Thursday, December 1, 2011

DAMAGE INC.



Tonight we attend the Paint 'n' Pizza party at the soon-to-be-ex-residence of one times Tarty Farty Tequila Party. She's moving herself and the menagerie of mad mutts to new digs and she requires our help to disguise the evidence of many years spent having a blast in her house. Fuck - there isn't much I won't do for free pizza, even cold pizza - being like sex, you see...


Which begs the question, when did morality take such a fundamental leap to the back of the class? Must have happened in very small increments. I remember actually exclaiming proudly that I would never smoke, yuk! I have now been a non smoker for 2 and a half years after being the poster child for the habit for 22. I remember thinking girls were yucky. I remember a joke about a dude and his first blowjob.

You want to hear it now don't you?


Anyway, let's just say that we have all degenerated into demented, perverse, sexually predatory beings after having started out all shiny and new and innocent. Personally I blame Samantha from Sex & The City. And perhaps my vast porn collection. And a string of exceptionally permissive young ladies in my past. I must make a point of thanking my maker more often.


Anyway, back to the point. Besides not being able to drink legally and looking kinda dorky, don't you long for those far simpler days when you had no responsibility, you were forced to nap every afternoon, you had no idea what you were missing out on, you didn't have to worry about what you wore, you had no debt, no mortgage, no worries about job security, no nagging partner and your friends didn't live inside the computer?


I know I do.


Here are some things I'd do if I could go back:


  1. I'd be the guy lifting little girls' skirts and not the doos who got blamed for it without the benefit of ogling the bounty.

  2. I'd take those guitar lessons offered me all my life instead of deeming them exclusively for moffies.

  3. There are a number of girls in highschool I would try my best NOT to pine over unnecessarily. (Jeesh I wasted SO MANY years of my life...)

  4. I would use the Clearasil more regularly.

  5. I'd make the switch from Speedo to Baggie YEARS earlier.

Strangely there isn't much else I'd change given the chance. It stands to reason I'd be the smoothest pimp Daddy motherfucker in highschool, though. Obviously. Awkward gangly collection of limbs and shrill voice notwithstanding. They say it's all about your attitude. I've watched enough sitcom/romcom dating advice in my time. Behold: The Lesser Known Warbling Spotted Albino Carpenter's Ruler. With Supreme Confidence And Macking The Ladies!


6. I'd videotape my ass trying to be superfly for effective therapy from work related depression many years down the line. I could probably sell copies en masse and make my fortune.


Anyway, about to drag my unwilling carcass around the running circuit again this afternoon. I'd like to know how it's possible to have more pain the the day after the day after strenuous exercise. Let's hope I make it.


NGDG: "I don't buy into the whole vegan mindset but why do the kids scoffing ribs at restaurants always look a bit Down Syndrome?"


Spread The Love. Along With The Rib Sauce. Down Your Cheeks. Yes. THOSE Cheeks...

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