Monday, December 15, 2014

SCHWING-LE BELLS!


Fucking tourist Vaalie bastards burning down my mountain again. Don't you unliterate dumkupfs ever get tired of that trick? Aren't you over visiting our malls in your startling neon yellow poly-shorts (replete with a Boksburg Brick cellphone hip accessory), walking full-family-abreast and remarking in fear and awe "Jinne, kyk daar mama! Dis mos nou duiwels!"

You're probably wondering if the mountain has once again been the victim of some negligent out of town shitbag. It has, I am happy to report, not. I wrote that a while back and forgot about it. When I went into my posts to start something new to end the year with, I was pleasantly surprised to find it sitting there, all ready and trussed up like the traditional turkey. Perfect.

As I do every year, and especially since this year I will be making the very necessary escape from my office a lot earlier than usual, here is a list of my favourite stories from this year just gone. As far as best of compilations go, it is by far the most mediocre thing I can imagine; nevertheless, at least try not to drop your smartphone in the toilet whilst reading...

  1. Surprise, surprise - this one's about music and Turtle Burnings.
  2. Black metal cheese.
  3. Reasons people dislike me. Quite a few of them.
  4. Stick with me, I'll make you famous!
  5. Take your hand off your penis!
  6. Just more things that suck!
  7. More moaning from Mr Moangat.
  8. I really did moan a lot this year...
  9. The thoroughly practical alternative to online slacktivism.
  10. How to be less of a doos.
  11. This list wouldn't be complete without a reference to blowjobs.
  12. Jeeeesh! More moaning...

Anyway, as I bid you a premature farewell, please take care of yourselves and one another this festive season. My dearest rabble rouser from New Zealand lands soon for a visit and we're gonna tear shit up, so buckle up. I'll also be missing the greatest show EVER so that I can play guitar as Rose Thorn and Commander Conker exchange vows - wearing a buttercup yellow tie...

NGDG: "It's Christmas and one lucky entrant will be drawn at random to win a Rachel McAdams. Share and like our page and say what colour you want. It's that simple. And as unlikely."

I'll have a blonde one please.

Spread The Love. Hug A Vaalie. To Death.

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