THE DEVIL'S DOORBELL...

So much catching up to get through. It's been a while...

Some of this may seem a little dated.

Cast your minds back to the PREMONITIONS gig. It was exactly like the good old days, when so many of us started out - the beginning of a journey that would eventually tally countless man hours and immeasurable expense, blood, sweat and tears that would eventually pay off. Yup playing to the other bands and their girlfriends was nostalgically gratifying. SUBVERS even had the opportunity to welcome Ian Watson to the stage for a rousing guest vocal appearance on our lovely little ditty 'Conviction'. Fuck! He tore that song a new one! We are truly blessed in Cape Town to have so many active and awesome bands. The punters are spoiled for choice week in and week out. Long may it last - it's the basis on which a great future is being built.

Following the show, instead of the usual "rock star treatment", we were up early to go to The Hot Girlfriend's work function at Fairview. Disgruntled goats on display aside, it was brilliant. Nice work if you can get it. Her one colleague - from behind the glazed mask of complete misunderstanding - commented that I looked like "Nickelback". I can only assume she meant that poodle who almost single handedly ruined rock'n'roll. Personally I think I look way more like Avril Lavigne. Perhaps that's where the confusion came in.

Then it was off to Joburg - much to my equal excitement and mortal trepidation - to catch the Ministry show. Toilet visits were very thoroughly scheduled way in advance and strictly adhered to throughout my trip. Except the night I landed. I spent the entire night with my head in the bog, like a teenage girl with aspirations of becoming the first to claim bad judgement in Spring Break. The Ministry experience, much like the Rammstein one, was a little less enjoyable then due to my tragic illness, nevertheless nothing short of fucking insane. All hail his majesty indeed! Terminatryx brought their own brand of stomp to the proceedings and the crowd went full lunatic to their set.

So after spending my week long holiday in Joburg cooped up inside for fear of further gastric pyrotechnics, aside from breakfast with my old friend PyeGye, it was back home. Do not pass begin, do not even look at Lanseria's time warp toilet. Thanks to Princess Pants and Lord Doom for looking after me.

I know this isn't going to come as any sort of shock, but Zuma is a poes.

And in the ongoing - and ever growing - list of disquieting observations on humankind and what makes them tick: If you're not the perpetrator of some heinous crime against humanity, you're obliged to point out what a doos all perpetrators of crimes against humanity are.

I know this little observation is a little late, but considering that I've been jotting down little points on which to make comment for almost 2 weeks, lest ye suffer from missilitis, here it is anyway. Witchfest should just be held in Cape Town. Clearly our religious fundamentalists are more relaxed than the fanatical zealots of The Norff. It has since been moved to a location where they cannot be pre-emptively fucked with, so here's hoping the festival goes off without a hitch after all these needless setbacks.

And then there was the fairytale wedding on Saturday. I broke a wine glass on the dancefloor and by that time had already discarded my kerkskoene and was on bare feet... And I wasn't the only one suffering from a touch of over exuberance. The bride blurted out "I DO!" three times. THREE times! What a lucky fellow the groom is. I wish both of you the best for your future together - if the wedding was anything to go by, you have nothing but the most amazing life to look forward to. I passed out in the back of the bakkie on the way home.

Oh and Rhodes was a bad man and a colonist, but surely you have something better to do than fling pooh? You're doing nothing more than exposing yourself as a morally bankrupt arsehole who probably stole your younger sister's Barbies for fun time in the back shed. Concentrate on your education dickhead, and perhaps then you won't be tempted to act out in such barbaric ways. If you were any smarter you wouldn't lend credence to the very utterances he made to which you take such umbrage.

Also LEFTY'S is the shit! The Hot Girlfriend is now officially the longest incumbent Minister Of Home Affairs in my life. We celebrated this and our anniversary by going to Lefty's for a meal. And what a meal it was! The staff are friendly and quirky. The food is imaginative and out-of-this-world delicious without being precious or pretentious. And the vibe is infectiously charming in an urban setting kinda way. Given this combination, you simply cannot help but have a good time.

Then there's the cricket. South Africa confounded the book makers on Wednesday by chewing and swallowing Sri Lanka whole. I was lying in bed with my coffee and my rusks and a big fat grin all over my face. Days like that are rare and should be cherished. Meanwhile I think Pakistan's fielding coach is already filling out online job applications.

I know I've forgotten a few things, but that's pretty much it in terms of catching up. I have a million other things I could whinge about, but right now it's Friday afternoon in the Mother City and, like peering into a stripper's butthole, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have a safe and sensational weekend, everyone.

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