Sin zones?...An ad lending credence to the notion
that religious nuts are all a bunch of wankers.
What if you used a clever euphemism for wanking? Would that make self pleasure more acceptable? I suppose there would be thousands of those. I'm sure you're all pretty familiar with the myriad alternate phrases coined around self gratification, but I am referring in particular to "A little me time"...
Oh no! That could be taken one of two ways. Keep reading...
No, tonight is a night I have earmarked for the ultimate experience. Erm...
You know how they keeping trying to bang the concept of delayed gratification into your skull at Sunday School? Well, it finally paid off. I have not had the opportunity to be alone with myself of an evening for so long now, I'm starting to lose my mind. And then there's been all this distracting football and band practice. Well, folks, tonight is the night! Tonight I pour myself a glass of classy red wine and allow Mr Gira to transport my soul through the wonderful medium of laser, copper wiring and superior speakers.
I'm going to listen to my new Swans double CD.
For the first time.
I'm more excited than the combined cast of American Pie on Prom Night and a nascent Madonna. And then I'm going to listen to it again. And then I'm going to watch the DVD. And then I'm going to watch it again. The entire planet (with the exception of EverybodyLovesBacon) has been going bonkers over this album. The biggest fan of the band that I know has, very daringly, declared it as his favourite album of theirs, usurping the long standing Children Of God. Them's fightin' words! It even got me thinking and although I have also in the past declared Children Of God to be 'The One', I keep finding myself sliding back to White Light From The Mouth Of Infinity - if I allow myself some honest introspection I'd probably point to the inclusion of 'Better Than You' combined with my unchecked narcissism as the tie breaker. Anyway, can you imagine the inner turmoil and temptation!
And if my walls are not dripping with jizz - metaphorical or not - after tonight, then tomorrow they are very likely to be anyway. I'm taking a little drive out to for'n parts to collect my new Anathema Deluxe Edition Super Duper Oh My Fuck Is This Really Happening It's So Warm Inside Your Mouth Wah Wah Wee Wah Whoooh! 3CD Party Pack. Rinse, repeat...
And then it's semis time. You may make of that what you fancy as well...
I hope your evening is even a 10th as enjoyable as mine is going to be. And no, I am not dressing for the occasion. I won't be wearing my ratty Swans shirt or digging out the old Docs for a more authentic experience. I'll most likely be sitting in my ugly green sweatpants and sheepskin slippers. Like a REAL rockstar!
ps: I was trying to find that verse in the Bible which basically says masturbation is okay as long as it's followed by a spiritual cleansing (don't quote me, Sunday School rendered my ability to concentrate nullified due to a particularly oppressive case of blue balls) but all I could find were passages on adultery. Then I got to thinking about the root of the word. And I came to the conclusion that it must be a grown up act to covet thy neighbour's wife. But you're not allowed to. At least not physically. Easy solution: make sure your wife is hotter than thy neighbour's!
NGDG: Thanks to Vodacom Techzone for unlocking my phone. And a curse upon whoever sent me the link to that weird sex fetish article which was the first page that loaded in front of the technician when he got it working again.
Spread The Love. One Has TO BE KIND...
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