TWERK OR TWEET

Saying 'No thanks' to a blowjob...

There's a first time for everything.

Ah, Halloween! Not just the abbreviation for Tim Burton's dog. Actually, I believe it's derived from "Old Hallows Eve" whatever the fuck that means. I suppose if I'm going to complain about modern day interpretations of classic traditions I should go and read up on the origins of the practice, but this is the internet and most of you have probably already been compelled to type TLDR with an exasperated sigh.

And since all but the most tenacious and therefore the most awesome of my readers are still plodding through today's dose of drivel, I may as well admit to using this very same heading last year. My ever so regurgitated apologies. I myself only found out now...

So, according to a very respected source (also from the interwebs), the costume of choice this year in 'Murica is "Sexy Ebola Nurse". Considering the entire point of a HazMat suit is to cover everything, one wonders just how they're going to go about wearing as little as possible. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for skimpy outfits and promiscuity. After all, the gangly, awkward version of me in my adolescence wouldn't have stood a chance if it wasn't for a metaphorical moral loosening of the belt. But it's morals of a different kind that this behaviour calls into question, not to mention the indictable lack of intelligence and susceptibility to media hype. Yes, I'm the cantankerous old bastard sitting on my porch yelling at the kids to 'git off mah yard!'. Just think - if the Holocaust happened now, this weekend would see frat boys everywhere double teaming drunk, half naked Nazi bimbos on pool tables. Probably even after Pearl Harbour. The real one, not the movie.

I know I'm not the only one weeping for humanity. And I'm dreading the day I have to witness my own (possible future) daughter trying to get away with shit like this - or worse. I'm probably going to reap all manner of dastardly rewards for my shenanigans. I wonder, if I was a young man today, if I'd be taken with the Twerk Or Tweet generation's female of the species. Or if my adult revulsion would remain...
Don't get me started...

But there's good news as well. As usual, the musical underground - other than salivating through prosthetic teeth - has taken this opportunity to put on a variety of mouth watering shows this weekend to commemorate this special spooky holiday!

The Halloween Slaughter is already an established event, now in its fifth year and going strong. Organised by Bulletscript, the formidable line up includes Strident, Junkyard Lipstick, Moment Of Clarity, and of course the irascible riff-monsters, Bulletscript themselves. I cannot tell you enough how much you NEED to see this band. They will tear down your perceptions and reaffirm your faith in the sort of metal that pulls no punches - leaving you bleeding on the floor. I hope Mercury's clean up crew is ready...
Then there's Full Metal Jack at The Rabbit Hole featuring Beeldenstorm and a few others. And if you still haven't had enough blistering local merrills, the following night sees Burning Tone Records' second annual Blitzkrieg, in which they showcase all the bands on their roster - Infanteria, Zombies Ate My Girlfriend, Megalodon and All Guns Full Ammo. Get all your buddies and go! Remember kids, travel in well lit areas and in packs. The locals of Edward Street are the current equivalent of pitchfork wielding witch burners.

But the undoubted favourite of the weekend has to be Attack Of The Ghost Riders, a show that's being put on despite The Black Angels postponing their trip to South Africa. If the line up of The Very Wicked, The Sleepers, Loveglove Pyrotechnic and Playing Dead doesn't get your ghoulies greased, then you may as well stay in your grave this Halloween...

But wait! That's not all! If you fancy yourself a horror movie aficionado, then you probably already know about the annual Horrorfest. If you don't already know, where the fuck have you been? The most prestigious film festival of its kind in SA, now in its tenth year, you daren't miss this 11 day feast of creepy celluloid celebrations.

My sincerest apologies for not keeping it to 140 characters or less.

NGDG: I was eating a bratwurst and drinking a beer. This girl was doing the same. So I asked her what her favourite Woody Allen movie was and she said "Who's Woody Allen?" It was like the Germans HAD won the war.

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