Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A STORY. WITH TOYS.



More like I just HAD to use this picture. It's too good not to use. I have sweet fuck all profound to say to accompany this picture. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.


I'm proud to announce that I indulged in some wine-induced genius again last night. Can't wait to see the video recording of the greatest little acoustic (Grandpa's guitars) ditty ever written, written by me last night. Also, I have now been elevated into the ranks of "multi-instrumentalist" as I totally owned the violin part of 'Sear Me MCMXCIII'. Well, on the keyboard obviously, but still...


Now if only all this wonderful talent could miraculously get rid of this hangover...


Perhaps the gathering of souls DOOMY this evening for le evening of making 'slow, deep and hard' music will lift my spirits. Or maybe I should just continue the whole stinking cycle. Ah the high life of a pretend rockstar! (*Disclaimer - I'm actually a real rockstar, it's just one pesky little detail - the rest of the world largely has yet to acknowledge this.)


Breaking news. A dear friend of mine, Aunty Nexus, has just admitted that she would like to see me do a little tap dance wearing the following: A tutu. A black leather bra. Suspenders and fishnets. A bowler hat. You can't tap dance without a bowler hat. And for that matter, a cane. And a feather duster sticking out of my arse. The final rah would be in the form of a sarcastic "Happy now?" I have amazing friends! Just thought I'd share.


Stop drooling, Mary!


On a far more sombre note, Sickmind Flawed has been named and shamed as the new quizmaster (or as we like to refer to them, "MC Hammered") for the most fun you can have with your pants on, the LMG Pub Quiz. So mozie on over with your team of miscreants and sign up for this most entertaining of developments. Expect a fair amount of expletives. I can't wait!

Also, if the concept of answering questions all night and getting wankered at the same time floats your boat, go and check out the new MegaMusicQuiz hosted by MyMusicMatrix, the brainchild of the only member of The Bad Hatters that is allowed to stand during the True or False section, even if he gets it wrong...


In even more breaking news, I have managed to get my ugly chops in the virtual papers. Go and read ALL about this wonderful band for whom I perform the role of secondary axe-murderer, AXXON.


NGDG: "It saddens me when entertaining, quirky friends are hounded off Facebook for being themselves. I'm going to start reporting photos of kittens and sunburnt rabbits, and statuses about sunshine."


Spread The Love. Like In Andy's Room.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I FEEL INSPIRED...



... to write a bullshit heading, thereby grabbing your attention under false pretenses and suckering you into reading my worthless ramblings against your will. It's like watching people slow down and rubber neck as they drive past a road accident.


How has your week started? I trust all is well and that you're all hale and hearty after a wonderful weekend. No? Perhaps just enjoying the fact that you're alive and in this glorious sunshine? (My humblest apologies to the legions of my readers not in Cape Town.) Or maybe just grateful to be alive...

So I tried retail therapy on Saturday morning. I was waltzing around Access Park (because I'm cheap like that) looking for all manner of goodies, when my eyes fell on a sign that read "Musica". Not thinking too much other than "Oh, that's new..." I continued with my quest for new trainers. Until... I peeked from the corner of my eye a sign that could only have been presented with angelic chorus, had I been paying attention. "CDs under R20" it bellowed across the tarmac!

Now having been in the employ of a specialist CD store for so many years and since having to try and find ANYTHING resembling competent assistance in ANY Musica store - I have developed an acute aversion for this particular franchise of turgid pooh merchants parading as the foremost supplier of music to our masses (the fact that this is in fact true does not say much for the masses, now does it). But a "bargain's a bargain" I kept trying to convince my cheap ass as I found myself going meticulously through this mega-bargain-bin. The cds in this store are the ones people didn't buy out of the bargain bin in their local Musica PoohStores. You can imagine the amount of sifting required in order to find something worthwhile. To the untrained eye, that is! I walked out of there having had to curb my enthusiasm after finding 9 awesome discs worth buying. I actually put a few back, as my purchases were digging into my trainer budget. Happy days!


Needless to say I wasn't able to locate any trainers, but a successful day out nonetheless. The only TRAGIC thing about all this is the amount of local content on the R20 shelves. Well, not really, considering this means that Musica has already paid for these and is footing the bill, whilst the artist is plotting his pick up lines for the next festival...



Shannon Hope. How do I begin to describe the sheer magnitude of the occasion? The Fugard Theatre is at once a beautiful and awe-inspiring venue and at the same time poncey and overpriced. Having gone to the show alone, I found myself nursing the single most expensive beer in living history as I awaited the big moment. The staff were wonderfully friendly though, continually asking if I was happy/in need of more refreshment/lost. I hope I didn't look that out of place. I was wearing a button shirt and everything.


The moment finally arrived and the inside of the theatre in which the performance took place was as breathtaking a backdrop for Shannon's hauntingly beautiful music as is possible. It was a combination of old and new, a steel lighting rig against bare masonry and tall, arched church windows. A solitary baby grand piano sat highly polished on its own centre stage. The lights dimmed and the anticipation was palpable. Without any fanfare Shannon sat down and launched into her stellar set. I have mentioned before - on many an occasion - that I consider her to be a cut (or several) above the rest - and in this spectacular setting she was even more glorious. As humble and self effacing as she was all evening, reminding the appreciative audience that this was a dream come true for her, the music soared and her distinctively divine vocal captivated everyone in that auditorium and transported them far away. I found myself both moved beyond myself, and moved to my own inner self, so poised and poignant and powerful was her performance. She treated us to a wide repertoire off both of her albums, ending with the single 'Believe' off the cd 'Fight A New Day', for which this was the launch. A rapturous, standing ovation was rewarded with an encore song and after an hour and a half performance, that was that.

But that wasn't that, I realised. Even as I left to go home, this particular performance - punctuated as it was with entertaining anecdotes and moments of incredible sadness and strength - was replaying itself over and over in my head. I remembered, and re-felt, things I had felt at particular moments in the show, shivers down my spine for a particular crashing crescendo or finding myself sitting there grinning like an idiot at a quirky comment or sly turn of phrase.

All in all a magical night and congratulations Shannon - not only was it everything you dreamed it would be - it was everything I did too. Bravo!

And then yesterday I braaied. A lot. I am taking bachelorhood seriously and decided to braai enough meat in one go to make sure I'm fed all week. All week except for tonight when Rose Thorn, post "stupid fuckwank", cooks for me as we pretend to have band practice. And also on Thursday when it is once again my turn to Martha-nise the gathered masses for Dinner Club. Whoohoo!


Anyway, I'll leave you to ponder on your loss. Your grief. Your eternal longing at having missed out on one of the most memorable shows I have had the privilege of attending.

Fear not - she'll be here for another month, go and check out listed gigs if you get a chance.


NGDG: "I didn't put the nipple picture in his presentation, but he didn't take it out."


Spread The Love. Because It's Worth Spreading.

Friday, November 4, 2011

THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET...



This is your last reminder about the lethal dose of awesome happening at the elegant Fugard Theatre tomorrow night. Yes, yes, I said elegant. They said I would be allowed to come in if I wore pants.

And a shirt.

And brushed my hair.

Yes folks! The intoxicating Shannon Hope is performing her long awaited Cape Town CD Launch show tomorrow night at the Fugard Theatre on Caledon Street. Her stunning new album, 'Fight A New Day' will also be available for sale. Join me, my pants, and the gathered masses of people in the know to celebrate this auspicious occasion with her. You're in for a night of entertainment the likes of which you have never before experienced. A grand piano, a grander venue and the grandest artist currently around. To quote a very wise and astute reviewer: "the voice of a goddess and a truly magical musical ability". Also, bubbles...


So don't let yourself down. Come and see what all the well deserved hype is all about.

Spread The Love. Show The Support. You Will Be Smitten...

IRREVERENCE - IT'S LIKE THE LUGGAGE.




So here we are again, on that most hallowed of days, Irreverent Friday. More so for the fact that it's the end of the week than for the fact that a general sense of irreverence is being encouraged. That is pretty much the default setting for most of you anyway. It's just that I decided to make all your sordid dungaree wearing tendencies a bit more acceptable - for today anyway...


For those of you that actually retain any information from this here soapbox of tricks and virtual tome of heretic hedonism, "Yes, thank you, last night's meeting of the parents went quite well..."


They had the requisite number of digits, limbs and other body parts. Enjoyed a pint or 2 in their rather pleasant company, being the life of the party and royally entertaining everyone at the table. I lie. It was mostly "What do you do? " and "Where are you from?" and "Are your parents kind to the staff?"...




Which basically turned into me talking about myself and music. My 2 all time favourite subjects.

They were cool. I survived.



This weekend, because it's going to be musical heaven in many ways (Axxon practice AND the wonderful Shannon Hope's long awaited cd launch), I have designated some time to teach myself how to use a cello bow on an electric guitar. Now, I have seen this done and heard the hauntingly beautiful result when done properly. I expect the proverbial feline mating maul before I get to that level...


So wish my neighbours (bless their ever loving patient hearts...) the best of luck.


NGDG: "I want a Frasier Tshirt with a velcro sky for sticky-on-y meteors and balloons and winking neon lights."


Spread The Love. Like A Cat. Scream Like You Want It!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

ALTERNATE DAY



You see, today I can't use a picture of some random hottie, box or no box.

As in CARDBOARD box, but I like the way you think...



I declare myself the winner. I have successfully overcome the loathsome task of setting up a new email account and getting all the little bits and pieces and wank to fire on all cylinders. Or for those of you in the know, the settings on the incoming and outgoing servers are now correct. Who'd a thunk it, eh? An IT guy I am not. Computers give me the heeby jeebies. I come from a different time. A more pleasant time. I grew up flinging handfuls of wet soil primarily at my younger sister and eating plants that tasted of dog pee. Ah, bliss. A time when you saved up and bought records. And later cds. For the iPood generation, those things that look like shiny coasters hanging off the rearview mirrors of minibus taxis.


Life wasn't a series of zeros and ones.


Guess what I'm doing later... have you seen the movie "Meet The Parents"? I hope I can keep it together and not fall into the overwhelming temptation of referring to them as the Fokkers. Because you know what's going to be going through my head...


I have also begrudgingly agreed NOT to wear one of my more choice slogan tshirts. Apparently "Blow Job Is Better Than No Job" won't, um, go down too well. Neither will "Pussy Magnet", "Shave-Yer-Guava" or "Fuck Off I Have Enough Friends"...


And in other news... Well there really isn't any other news. The world is busy imploding as usual. Choose a conspiracy theory and stick to it. The only news site worth reading is still Hayibo. Love their tag line: "Breaking News. Into Lots Of Little Pieces."


Oh, did I mention what an absolutely awful day it is in The Mother City? Think I'll do a couple of sundowners overlooking the Atlantic... Sound good?


NGDG: "Johannesburg was voted 5th worst city in the world for traffic congestion. 5th! At least we're still No.1 for murder."


Spread The Love. Kill Your Computer.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

CHICK-IN-A-BOX



I only put that there because I have this picture I want to use. This is the second time I have used a picture of a chick-in-a-box. Not entirely puzzling, as it sounds like "Dick-In-A-Box" which is a particularly funny song. Go on. You know you want to...

Anyway, this all conveniently bring us to the point in time that is now. When I inform you that I have a clicky thingy on the right here. You click on it. Then some little being in the remotest parts of the ether-verse tots up all 15 votes and has a quiet chuckle before disappearing in a disappointingly uneventful *poof*...

So, please go "Click-In-A-Box" and who knows, I might be getting some sort of prize for this here wee soapbox of mine. Perhaps something really groovy like a set of handkerchiefs, or even better, my own personal mime. We all have to start somewhere.

In a thoroughly dismal night's underperformance, Team Burger King did not end on the high we were all hoping for. It was more like an already deflated balloon than angelic trumpeted fanfare. We manfully attempted to regain our high spirits and high-jinx by putting lots of booze in our faces. This resulted in the one prize I did receive - this very impressive hangover. It feels as if a bergie took a bath in my mouth. Oh, LMG Pub Quiz, how I love you!

I get to present the questions for a category of my design the next time. Hold onto your knickers!

NGDG: "Where the hell is my new Tom Waits? This has ceased to be amusing, not that it ever was, but giddy anticipation confuses the emotive centres. Like being in a motel, wanting a late night cheese-burger, only to wake up next to a runaway from Poukeepsie called Maya."


Spread The Love. Click In The Box.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

OFF TOPIC...



Today has been a fascinating one so far. I woke up sans debilitating hangover. It was just a little one. I have been assisting my new colleague to get settled in and have had to do an awful amount of explaining. I'd completely forgotten how complicated my job is. Perhaps I should pay more attention...

Tonight I (finally) lead the glory bound Team Burger King to, well, um.. glory! We shall triumph and top the podium on this night! Nerd teams be damned! We shall storm the battlements of "participating sober so we can get all the answers" on our mighty steeds of alcohol-induced-bravado-and-belligerence!

Man, I just love LMG Pub Quiz!

AND. Today heralds the brief reappearance of the Gospel according to Robert Smith. It actually means something today. Not that it normally doesn't, but this could give you quite an in depth view into my personal goings on. Not that any of you are THAT concerned with the grotesque and sordid details...

Book 5 : Chapter 4 : Verse 12 -13.

Come on! I dare you!

Another strange occurrence this week, and this may just cause very unseasonal weather phenomena to occur (indoors) - I have no band practice. All week. Every single night free of band activity. I have no idea what to do with myself. Ok, tonight is pretty much spoken for. So is tomorrow - I have the distinct pleasure of bursting a lot of bubbles held in such reverent esteem about the music industry. Young minds will be disillusioned. It's my contribution to the idea of weeding out the weak.

Thursday - well, we'll see what Thursday brings...

And then - blessed be - it is once again weekend. Which can mean only ONE THING. Yes folks. She's here...

The gloriously gifted, terrifyingly talented, achingly entertaining Shannon Hope is in Cape Town for the launch of her second full length album, Fight A New Day. This weekend the Cape Of Good Hope changes its name to the Cape Of Extraordinary Hope. She will mesmerise you with her poignant performance. She will capture you and enrapture you with her stunning vocal delivery. She will steal your heart and fill you with a haunting longing and a hatful of quirky, irrepressible humour. All this with a wicked little smile and a sincerity that borders on anxious honesty. I will be there, letting it wash over me like a beautiful tide.

If all of this seems a little heavy on the praise, it is with good reason. I am unashamedly a fan of exquisite music and Shannon Hope is currently on top of the pile. My opinion is considered and considerable. The only way you'll be able to gauge how accurate my views are is to be there and see for yourself. See where I'm going with this?

Saturday 5th November. 7:30 at the Fugard Theatre. Caledon Street. Do not miss out.

Speaking of considered and considerable opinions, here's another chap with some of those.

NGDG: "Blind dating never qualified for the Para-Olympics. Good enough reason for it not to be practiced recreationally."

Spread The Love. Eyes Wide Shut Style.