CLEAVAGE ON MY FUCKING TOAST!

Boobs!

Boobs!

Boobs!

Boobs!

BOOOOOOBS!

Whip 'em out! Push 'em up! Jiggle 'em about!

Fuck I love boobs! I LOVE boobs!

Very subtle, TLC. I hope you haven't killed Byron.

Come on, ladies (yet another judicious use of a comma...) make with the exposure! I don't care how cold you "think" it is.

For the empowerment of women everywhere!

But more importantly, for my entertainment and enjoyment!

NGDG: "I don't mind eating humble pie. Even if it does taste like your mom."

Spread The Love. Squish Together Your Boobs.

XHOSA TRANSLATION FOR 'REVERENT'.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

FETCH ME MY STYLISH EARPLUGS!

So. Last night I ventured out of the relative safety of my lovely little home and, along with hordes and hordes of my mates, stood around in Mercury Live amiably chatting about this and that. We discussed the usual stuff. You know...

How you doing?

How's the band coming along?

The hot piece of ass that just floated by.

The next inopportune opportunity for Flapper to do his "thang".

Why do the local crowds wait until an international band graces our shores before they come out en masse in support.

Now, the answers to and comments about all of the above are quite generic and generally well rehearsed replies designed to create and sustain a warm fuzzy sense of well being among comrades. The latter, not, but we'll get back to that.

Obviously the question of turn out arose because a LOT of people turned out to see Fleshgod Apocalypse, a scary technical death metal band from Italy that uses loads of intricate orchestration and makes a huge, carnivorous, face-melting racket that'll punch holes in your very soul. Personally I was very proud indeed, being a resident old timer, of our Cape Town faithful for pitching up in their deliriously excited droves. I'd heard that some of the concerts so far on the Detonation Tour had been somewhat lacking in attendance and didn't want our little town, one renowned for its rich death metal culture, to embarrass us. This not being the case, the subject of attendance levels at gigs came up. Much was said and lamented about our rather fickle crowds, etc.

I disagree.

Now I may find myself knee deep in the shit before being told that tea time is over and it's time to do my hand stand, but the simple truth is that, much as we love to sing the praises of our local talent, no one from here is at THAT level. Holy mother of Baffy! The sheer ferocity was enough to boil the beer in the bottle you were holding. They MURDERED the crowd with what can only be described as a lesson in the art of performance. From the very first strained chord of the intro they captivated (and nearly decapitated) an audience that was so rapt and swept into fist pumping frenzy that I thought the venue was going to be destroyed beyond repair. For an hour or so we were treated to a spectacle of a stage show the likes of which has rarely been witnessed here, or will be for some time to come.

Now the argument can, and most likely will, be made that they're only that brilliant because they have opportunities that we don't. They tour the world. They play all the time. They have better infrastructure, fan base, and live venues. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Personally I was jizzing along merrily, so I'll take responsibility for that one, but you know what I mean...

Sounds to me like it's a case of a band that work their arses off and are finally reaping the benefits - as are we, the adoring audience.

My congratulations to the sound and lighting guys, absolutely top notch! Mercury, you once again proved what a fantastic venue you continue to be!

Also, thank you to the organisers, the support acts (especially Suiderbees, who reversed my previously held negative opinion) and my good mates who shared this experience with me.

Lastly, to the band. Grazie molte! For your music. For your stage show. For your intimidating presence. For your friendly willingness to spend so much time with the fans. It was truly a wonderful experience having you here.

You're welcome to come back any time. I can always do with another arsehole. And to all my mates in Jo'burg - DO NOT DARE miss this.

And speaking of all things Italian, I purposely left out the best part of my report on the weekend's festivities so I could add it in this post. Purposely as in I was reminded quite sharply that I had failed to mention it yesterday. On Sunday night Rose Thorn and Commander Conker came over for dinner and the Hot Girlfriend made a lasagne fit for the gods themselves! It was especially impressive since it's my favourite dish and my good ol' mama makes a world renowned one. Bravo! Bravo indeed, bell'amica!

NGDG: "Neighbours: Can't live with them. Can't quite chop them up small enough so they go down the drain instead of clogging the holes like those bits of onion after washing the pots from a pasta dinner."

See, everything today is themed!

Spead The Love. Stendere L'Amore.

FRESH BLOG OF PORK 'n' CHIPS

It's all too much! It's literally just too damn much. I don't know how I'm going to cope. If I wasn't so ticklish and kleinserig, I'd definitely put a fork in myself. I'm done.

Friday I found myself out in the Northern Suburbs there by the Tygervalley, where I grew up and harboured all sorts of sordid hope for all sorts of sordid unions between all manner of "opposite sexy" types. Needless to say, back in the day these remained rather unfulfilled. Anyway, I ended up in a place I used to know as Kaballas (or something like that) and was filled with the horror of the memories of sideways-foot-to-foot dancing and dodging the attention of the local rugby brekers. And true to form, I walk in and the first person I see is someone I know. Typical. Made it through the evening, which turned out rather pleasant.

Saturday I had a double birthday braai, which can be taxing, especially when there are as many children involved as has become the norm. Although whilst at the braai, the Hot Girlfriend and I were given a nice surprise. TDB and Me Swifty had spare tickets to the Hop On Hop Off Peninsula Tour Red Bus and gave them to us. So Sunday we went a touristing!

It is totally rad! We saw sights we normally scurry right past and hopped off at the Constantia Wine Route and Mariner's Wharf in Hout Bay. The Wine Route took us wine tasting at Groot Constantia where, you guessed it, I knew the dude behind the counter and got extra helpings and free port. Then, amidst some nagging and moaning, we alighted at a tiny little boutique wine farm no one (well, me) has ever heard of. Eagle's Nest is awesome. It really is tiny. You feel like you're intruding in someone's home, but the wines! Oh! The wines! Certainly going back there.

Anyway, back to the Waterfront along the Atlantic Seaboard and home we went, spent.

Monday involved me mostly building a wall in my back yard and swearing a lot. Then Rose Thorn and I got down to some serious band practicing.

Roll on Tuesday. Fleshgod Apocalypse day. As is the norm in this wonderfully delightful industry, 'hurry up and wait' was the order of the day, so George 'Strident' von Skingrinder (or something) and I had a pint at the ever-pleasant Peddlers. After introductions and a few beers, the first interview got under way. Then the touring bands arrived and there was a whole lot more introduction and beer. Having had a very cool interview with Big Bennie from Bile Of Man (who happens to be a scholar, a gentleman AND a crazy bastard all wrapped into one...), it was time for me to usher 2 members from the main attraction into our Voice Of Rock interview cinema. Seriously, these guys are so well spoken, laid back, totally chilled, eloquent, passionate about their craft, friendly, professional and all round cool dudes, I decided to like their particular brand of mind bending "orchestragasmic metal" immediately. They offer an unrelenting barrage of technical death metal fused with ornate orchestration of such demonic dementia, that the listener is left with nowhere to hide, their sonic sledgehammer taking no prisoners.

Wow! I wrote that WHOLE description without using the word 'brutal'. Aaah fuck!

Anyway, if that sounds like it floats your boat, mozy on down to Mercury Live this evening and have a gander for yourself. I'll be there. With earplugs in. So I don't get blood on my shirt...

And then it was back to work. Urgh. I could so be a lady of leisure, lemme tell you...

NGDG: ""You're perfectly entitled to your opinion that Colonialism tore your culture from its paradisaical life-world but do you have to illustrate it with such garishly ill-matching coloured tshirt and trouser co-ordinations?"

Spread The Love. Just The Tip. Just To See What It Feels Like...

IT'S FRIDAY AND I'M FEELING IRREVERENT...

Irreverent, like when Mr Blackheart makes his comments about using chloroform and duct tape. Oh no wait. He's actually being serious...

Anyway, back to business. I have been far too busy for comfort at work of late and have found very little time to write my entertaining (like tuberculosis) and enlightening (like puppy pissed-on newspaper) blog posts for your enjoyment. Let's hope this unfortunate state of affairs will now be a thing of the past and I can once again slip into a more suitably leisurely pace - the kind to which my Capetonian arse has become accustomed. If I wanted to pay exorbitant amounts of money to work myself to death and for the simple right to use a road, I'd move to Jo'burg for sure. I'm just not sure if I'd ever get used to the idea of breathing with a knife and fork. Or how long it would take me to learn all the nightclub-fight-dodging rebuttals. You know, so the pop-up collar brekers don't moer me for having long hair. Or an intellect. Ah fuck me, now I sound like all the gaming nerds.

I was saying something about the e-toll system in Gauteng everyone is so up in arms about. I think we, as residents of the Mother City and custodians of the most enviable lifestyle in the world, have an obligation to ourselves and our way of life to stand against e-tolling as vehemently as those that stand to be affected directly by this barely veiled grabbing hands greed. You see, if the "novelty blue balls hanging from my towbar, I put my effie on whiff a wrench" types start seeing Cape Town as a viable option for relocation, we're all fucked. It's bad enough in tourist season, and even that is extending way past its threshold, but imagine an en masse immigration of Poly-shorted, mouth-breathing, mall-crawling workaholics INFESTING our scared space? Jeesh, can you IMAGINE what the Biscuit Mall will look like on a Saturday morning? Where the fuck are all the housewives from Tableau Voi going to go? South Africa will slowly begin to resemble Somalibabwe, as it fills up from the top with illegal border jumpers. Not that I blame them in the least, I squarely blame the "bring us your lame, deaf, defeated, poor, hungry, desperate and willing to undercut the going rate at which our lazy, entitled locals are prepared to pretend to work" attitude of our elected leaders. And I thought the African Swallow was non-migratory.

Speaking of, the lady of the night that frequents the corner right there by the Biscuit Mall (not so classy now eh, you fucking organic veggie, tofu wine, wanker yuppies...) had the good grace to show me her boobs again the other night as I drove out to pick up a friend of mine for band practice. She's got a kind of "Halle Berry sonne tanne" thing going for her.

I'm glad you asked. Band practices are going very well, thank you. Almost ready to take it to the next level of online talking without actually being able to show anything for it...

Except for Symphonaire Infernus. Now that's going to be a night to remember.

Incidentally, I will be off for a few days, doing boring things like interviewing Fleshgod Apocolypse and building walls in my backyard. I think there should definitely be beer involved. Starting as soon as humanly possible. Roll on beer-o-clock...

NGDG: "Merah, Merah, on the wall, and the pavement and the gutter and on the Peugeot parked nearby, who's a dead terrorist then?"

Fucking genius!

Spread The Love. Go Fuck A Genius. And No, DrHellCuz, I Do Not Mean Yourself.

SYMPHONAIRE INFERNUS

Does anyone here know what Doom Metal is? Well allow me to explain...

In the particularly eloquent outburst from my erstwhile stage manager, upon being exposed to some Grämlich (early Doom Metal pioneers in South Africa. Trust me, I should know...) back in the day, he exclaimed "Fucking slow and p**s heavy!"

Now if he'd added "dramatic", "poetic", "depressing" and "hauntingly beautiful" he'd have just about hit the nail on the head. 'Grämlich', after all, means 'morbid, sullen and ill-tempered'.

But don't let this rather moribund definition fool you. Oh no! What lurks beneath all the gloomy veneer is some of the most exquisite music ever composed. Bands like My Dying Bride, Paradise Lost, Anathema and Theatre of Tragedy have been blazing a trail of bereft beauty since the early 90s and have inspired many, many bands to follow suit.

Which brings us to SYMPHONAIRE INFERNUS. An event showcasing the talents of a variety of local musicians who will be playing a set of classic Doom Metal songs from the most notable bands in the genre. Musicians on display on the evening are from A Walk With The Wicked, Ashes At My Grave, Axxon, Crow Black Sky, Sex Cauldron, the yet-to-be-formally-introduced SubVerS and even some old farts from the one and only Grämlich. And no one song has the same line up of musos either - it promises to be a monumental evening!

14th April (the anniversary of Pete Steele's unfortunate death)

ROAR - Free Entry

We don't want to give away the setlist quite yet, so keep your eyes on the FaeceBoobs event, we'll be posting cryptic clues as to the songs we'll be playing... one by one...

Oh and did I mention the artwork? The beautiful, amazing artwork! Well done again Stephen Green. Yoh!

NGDG: "Brown paper, white paper. Stick it together with the tape, the tape of looo-ove. The sticky stuff!"

Spread The Love. The Sexuality Of Bereavement.

TUTUS 'n' TIARAS

Yes folks, it's that time of year again when I feel the need to do my good deed.

Remember last year when I made an absolute arse of myself in aid of raising funds for my dear friend's dad? If you still haven't seen the damning footage, go and have a look see for yourself how much fun can actually be had in a head-on gale force wind. What we won't do for the promise of a cold beer at the end, eh!

Here we go - the event page for TUTUS 'n' TIARAS.
As always, all proceeds go to TEARS (The Emma Animal Rescue Society).

AND the finishing line is The Banned Rock Lounge, who have very kindly agreed to give YOU a cold beverage upon completion of your good deed! Win, win!

So, how was your weekend? Mine was strangely chilled. How did the manic weekends and laid back working weeks somehow manage to swop around without so much as 'by your leave'? Vexing...

NGDG: "I've spent the whole day gunning around with the roof off and Dropkick Murphys going full blast. Oirish genes beat Prohep any day."

Spread The Love. Run Forrest, Run!