WHO THE FUCK IS JENNIFER LAWRENCE?

Excuse my dithering ignorance, but unlike the rest of the herd known as humanity, I remain obstinately - and very blissfully, I might add - unaware of most #trends, current aberrations in the entertainment industry and the like. Unless of course they are forced on me and I can't ignore the glaring lack of tact, taste or talent.

For the most part, suffice it to say that I see the headlines, but prefer the company of my own mind and a jar of lube. So, let's go and google this poor dear and see if there is anything besides this naked picture leak scandal.

Ok, so it turns out she's an actress and apparently her most significant role was in something called the Hunger Games.
And now she's Kardashian-famous because some piece of shit who probably fantasises about his mother in the shower decided to post very private nude pics of her and some other celebrities online. Firstly, let me put it to you that YOU are the reason this happened. No, not YOU, the ever so bent out of shape literary activist who has spouted incensed vitriol since the breaking of this sordid story, but YOU the general public who click on anything put in front of you without the slightest thought or consideration. Because your attention span is that of a particularly easily bored goldfish and your overwhelming sense of self worth has built indestructible blinkers around your fat fucking head. YOU'VE caused this. YOUR veracious appetite for smut and sensation that ooze from your every pore created the demand. YOUR validation of vapid, vacuous harlots whose only contribution to society is their ability to gorge on cock and build celebrity careers out of nothing created the demand. You're exactly the type of p**s that would be front and centre pushing some poor misunderstood girl into the clutches of Matthew Hopkins himself, baying for blood and proclaiming loudly how she'd turned you into a newt. What's wrong with you people?

The fact of the matter is this. People, no matter how famous or sought after, are entitled to their privacy. Granted, some flaunt and tempt and taunt a little too much for comfort, but that gives no one the right to transgress this moral line. Besides, what the fuck is the fascination? Is it just because it's "taboo"? Please! You're just too lazy. More than half the internet is filled with pornography of every variety. Sleazy, sick, even sexy. There is something for everyone's taste. No matter how depraved a voyeur you fancy yourself, there is something for you - just a few clicks away. And the discovery and enjoyment thereof is actively encouraged by those that provide it, very often free of charge. And at no emotional detriment to themselves (for the most part - hopefully). But just because this shit surfaced on a popular aggregation site and the news got hold of it, all of a sudden you decided to completely ignore the social norms you grew up with (and most likely expect from others, let alone will probably teach to your little girl one day)...

Next time you feel like reaching over to your extra value jar of lube while about to click on one of these sensationalist "exposes" think to yourself how you'd feel if it was your sister. Or your girlfriend.
Next time you shout at some old lady for driving slowly, imagine that's your grandmother.
Next time you blithely download someone else's intellectual property, imagine it was something you'd worked on for years and poured your soul into.
I could go on. And often do.

So much for the self righteous rant. I'm just as guilty as anyone of perpetrating the crime against decency by blogging about it. But I refuse to wantonly click on it. And don't get me started on amateur sex tapes. I really don't get it. What makes these halfwits so special or worthy or our attention? Naughty, naughty. You should collectively be ashamed of yourselves.

Before I finish up... and then inevitably deal with everyone's unwanted opinions on the matter after I post this, let me ask one last question? Why make sex tapes in the first place. Unless you have no other skill, are slightly squint and possess the arse of a couch-ridden diabetic, and you're hellbent on a career in show business, what's the point? I'm the most annoyingly narcissistic arsehole alive and even I don't have one. And trust me, The Hot Girlfriend is way hotter than whatshername? The one everyone is clicking on right now...

NGDG: My alarm clock scares me. The last time something loud and wired was in my bedroom, I battled to get it to drive home.

Spread The Love. Turn Off The Internet And Go Play Outside.