MALCOHOLOCAUST

Blondes. Sticking out their tongues. It's what life is all about.

How was your weekend?

Friday was a rather sedate affair. We celebrated the 30th birthday of a friend in some style at Luna Bar by putting on a successful surprise party. Like I said, very sedate. I decided much against my nature to admit that discretion was on the night the better part of valour and skedaddle home. What with the big party coming up and all...

Saturday, rather worthlessly, was spent cleaning the house in anticipation of the floods of people attending the Malcoholocaust, an annual event where the only point is to see how much alcohol one can put into one's body. It coincides roughly with my birthday.

It's only the first 5 or so people that even have a fighting chance of noticing whether or not your house is a sty or a palace of cleanliness, because as soon as there are more people, they start chatting to each other instead of scrutinising your home's hygiene. And then invariably someone spills tequila on the floor.

This year (for the first time in history) I did not have a butler/door answerer/concierge/hostess. Life without a girlfriend can be tough sometimes.

Anyway, eventually the house was bursting at the seams with revellers and the good times they started to roll. The Dean of Univer City was in attendance to bring us a wonderful load of Liquid Cocaines and The Big One provided us with a spectacularly underestimated punch. Some of which is keeping a small badger from returning to his family, as it's stuck to my kitchen cupboard door.

As usual I have only the vaguest recollection of the latter portion of the evening, a sure sign that I was having the time of my life. Thanks to all that came, especially my beautiful friends from The Big Shitty up North. Great to see the Meyer Of Awesomeville again.

The shit list, however, grows...

Yesterday's breakfast has got to be one of the raddest ever. My mate Stephen, from Axxon, was far too wellied to drive home, so spent the night on the sleeper couch. He also brought me a homemade 'Black Label Beer Bread'. This was put to good use as toast, which went with fried eggs and pan fried lamb chops. Best brekkie ever, I tell you.

Now to remember where I hid everything and get my house sorted out again.

NGDG: "Admit it. The only time you think it's a good idea to shave your balls is when you're drunk."

Spread The Love. ANCYL vs Gareth Cliff style.

CLOWN SHOE'D ASS-LOAF

Last night was awesome! The weather was perfect for football. Then we hooked up with every one's favourite foreign couple, the Meyodies, from The Big Chill.

Tradition won the day and we met at Mitchell's, that place where Bosuns comes from. After much hugging and catching up and dissecting why I am still single, it was time to seriously tuck into the wonderful array of draught they offer on tap. Actually, Hansa Marzen Gold Draught, they gave us a free glass with each one. I now have a complete set.

Anyway, getting tenuously back to the subject line heading this disasterpiece, we were eventually joined by the biggest ass-badge I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. Apparently dickshine works in the Waterfront and he thinks this bestows upon him the right to join conversations or intimate gatherings willy nilly and then to engage in a rather unenlightened game of one-upmanship. Being the nice sociable people we are, we indulged arseface for a while before he became an utter nuisance. Him buying the table a round or 2 was probably the only thing that helped us maintain our composure for as long as we did. Fuckstick even claimed the manageress as his girlfriend. She did an admirable job of keeping the vomit IN behind her thinly veiled contempt.

So. A quickly scampered exit stage left and regroup at the Meyodies' hotel. Which was a real treat. Fire n Ice has the coolest bar and setting. DO make a turn there if you're ever in the area.

Needless to say this morning was a total write off...

Anyway, back to shit-for-brains. What possesses someone to invade the privacy of others like that? Would any of you approach a random group of people and weasel your way into their company? Would you then pick arguments about which car, cell phone or qualification was better?

What an utter pillock!

Important announcement. Every one's all time favourite music and lifestyle magazine, YourLMG is celebrating their 50th issue with a knees-up of apocalyptic proportions tonight. Mercury will play host to Sabretooth, Taxi Violence and Peachy Keen. Be there!

Ok, so as promised we end off with....

...tah daaaaah!

NGDG:" Apologises for breaking your mouse and screaming 'This riff is fucking tasty!' while crowdsurfing your cubicle. It's your fault for showing me Google."

Spread The Love. With People That Know You.

Even If That Leaves Some Of You At A Distinct Disadvantage.

Happy Irreverent Friday Everyone!

IMMORTALISING NEAL GOLDWYER

Well there's a unique take on things. As unique as the man himself, some may whisper in hushed, reverent tones...

You see dear reader, along with my eccentric pairing of ill fitting pictures to nonsensical diatribes, and the various traditions I have instigated like Irreverent Fridays, I now intend to add a quote from the gentleman in question at the end of each of my missives.

They're simply too good not to share and if you're not a friend of his on the dreaded FaceBoobs, then you will forever be bereft of his charming genius. At this point I would like to point out that I have never had the pleasure of actually meeting Neal, but am saving all my pocket money and hope one day to stand in the presence of his brilliance. Maybe he'll buy me a pint.

No, don't scroll down. I know you want to see for yourself, but first you have to read the rest.

On second thoughts, I really don't have anything of value to contribute to the general well being of humanity, so without further ado, here is the first of "Neal Goldwyer's Daily Gems".

Actually we'd better start you off by spoiling you with a couple just to get you going...

NGDG: "I had a glimpse today of how selfish kids can be. I asked a little girl, who was drawing pictures with her pencils anyway, to draw me one of a nun killing a spider with a dildo to no avail. Bloody artists."

NGDG: " Man I need to show a midget some love. Bucket list stuff. Check out Brigette the Midget."

NGDG: "Only degenerates and paedophiles use caps lock."

Spread The Love. Where's That Brigette bird?

HUNGOVER AND SOMETHING ELSE THAT STARTS WITH AN "H".

My friends and I once invented a cards based drinking game. It was called "Man Down" due to it's incredible efficiency. If by efficient you assume getting us all arseholed in minimum time. It goes like this.

1. Each player gets dealt one card face down.


2. Flip cards and the person with the lowest number on his card drinks that amount of shots. Everyone else is safe for that round.


3. If 2 people have joint lowest, a redraw takes place, the lowest of the redraw drinking the amount of shots as indicated by number on card.


4. Joker nominates and the drinker must drink corresponding number on the card he or she is holding irrespective of who has lowest.

It has never lasted longer than half an hour.

I feel as if I indulged in a game of "Man Down" last night.

Your LMG Pub Quiz made a storming comeback with a record attendance for the first night of the new season hosted at Mercury. Fantastically well done Mike and Kevin - and thank you! Not for the hangover, but for the great evening.
Team Burger King were worthy runners up in a hotly contested battle of wits. We won booze! To all on the team - you guys fucking rock! And from now on our default answer to any question we're unsure of is "Canada".
We MURDERED tHe MaD hAtTeRs ! ! ! !
They're, like, the new Team Papsuck.

And since we're keeping score: Black Label Draught 1 - 0 Me.
In related news: Tarty Farty Tequila Party, otherwise known as The Scribe, did some unmentionable acts of debauchery in order to get free booze. Coz that's how THIS team rolls. Sydney, you'll never be the same again.

Anyway, once again thanks to all for making it such an awesome evening. We're all taking strain today. The way it should be.

Spread The Love. At The Bar. For Drinks.

RANDOM RAMBLING

Can you see where this is going?

Hmmm... mmmm?

Filthmonger! I was actually going to debate the ever controversial issue of copyright. Am I morally, ethically or legally allowed to use the picture above? Since it is tagged by an existing site? Does anyone care?

Would autotuned R&B even exist if so called songwriters were prohibited from "knocking off" some well known hits from an era of actual talent?... much like their "artists" probably did to the corner liquor store...

Same thing basically. It's taking what's not yours because you're a talentless thug. The real winners in this situation are the corporate entities that endorse this blatant rape of resources. Nothing is original, and if it is, we as a consumer driven generation have been brainwashed into believing it's kak by definition. Very rarely has anything genuinely new and exciting been (a) shown the light of day or (b) greeted with open arms and open minds.

So who's to blame? The public that allow themselves to be spoonfed bite size portions of second rate shit all day every day? Yeah, I think that's the answer. Be more discerning! Explore your options! Don't settle for mediocrity.

Which leads us to part 2. In a radical change of direction I propose to you that too many people on Earth are being led to believe that they are entitled to more than they're worth. Why do the average masses all believe that they can be exceptional? Surely this is a contradiction in terms? It's because the TV told them so. Now we're sitting with a jilted generation of people that believe they could have made it but for some hindrance beyond their control. Wankers.

So.

In conclusion we're a bunch of apathetic twits that allow our tastes to be decided for us by mass media and we're all fucking delusional about being extraordinary, when in fact we are simply extra ordinary.

Except me...

With any luck I will be able to claw my way from the mire and lead the great Team Burger King to victory at tonight's LMG Pub Quiz!!!

Spread The Love. And The Knowledge. Knowledge is sexy mos...

PINATA COLADA

Of birthday celebrations and all things nice.

This was my weekend.

Well, almost...

Let's go back to Thursday. Special birthday dinner with The Demonic Sibling and the Brother In Awe. They had made my favourite. Calamari for starters and steak for mains. These are my favourites generally because at any given restaurant they represent the best choices on any menu. I do love lasagne, though. Washed all this awesome food with a bottle of Raka Biography Shiraz, which is truly spectacular, and the rest is a vast-amounts-of-Grolsch haze. Thank, Tarty for getting my scandalous ass home in one piece.

Friday morning was less than pleasant.

Friday night started off like many a Friday night. By me getting home after a long week's slog in the office and tucking straight into the libations. In teenage American parlance this is known as pregaming. So along came Tarty and Lars-but-not-Least in the Zopmobile and off the three intrepid partygoers went. Mercury was hosting the annual get together of the Hogs and the Rudimentals. Opening for them were my old friends The Summer Underground. Happy days. So...

Lots of people, lots of booze, lots of noise, lots of kak talking, lots of Tarty being the life of the Party, lots of saying to hi to people that expect you to know who the fuck they are... Did I mention lots of booze. It was after all the first night of my birthday weekend...

For some or other reason I, in my drink addled state, decided very spur of the moment I'd had enough and very skillfully ninja bombed. Don't remember allegedly hugging JDP on the way out, don't remember leaving, don't remember taking a taxi home, or even getting home for that matter. Fun times...

Saturday was ANOTHER birthday party. This one was way cool though. This one had a PINATA. An adult pinata. It had little bottles of booze in it. (Quickly renamed Pinata Coladas.) It had lotto tickets and chocolates. I have never partaken in a pinata whacking ceremony before, so obviously I took over completely and led proceedings. When it was eventually my turn, I did manage to whack the crap out of the little black and white donkey (not zebra, apparently)...

There was also a massive inflatable boxing ring in the garage. With oversized boxing gloves. I love that we can afford toys...

What I didn't love was being unceremoniously deposited on my arse over the "top rope" - jumping castles are strenuous enough without a mate of yours hell bent on panelling you into submission.

Sunday was spent renewing cellphone contracts and purchasing a dishwasher. Hallelujah! I lost mine in the divorce 9 months ago. It's been a while. I can't wait to get home and switch her on and listen to the soft soothing "whirrr" of her doing her thing. Maybe one day, when I'm a real boy, I can write that about a real girl...

Anyway, this weekend is going to be my birthday party. No gimmicks. No clever decoration. No paramedics. No holds barred. No excuses. If I live through this one, I hope to be able to report on it.

Tomorrow night marks the long awaited and exalted return of the Mighty LMG Pub Quiz Night! Can I have another HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Spread The Love. Like Miracle Whip On White Bread...

B I R T H D A Y B L O G ! ! !

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.