ANOTHER DAY... ANOTHER DEATH...

Another year down the toilet. What, if anything, did YOU achieve? Did you contribute in a positive manner to your surroundings or your fellow human beings? Or did you just sit and glower at the world via FaceBoobs and make jaundiced comments designed to display your aloof coolness, when all they did was show what a socially awkward wanker you are?

Not me. I sat and made derisive comments on FaceBoobs all year purely for YOUR entertainment. Everyone already knows what an utterly useless wanker I am.

I got some things right this year though:

1. I got to see Rammstein, drugged up to the teary eyeballs, barely able to stand up straight, with my best mates.


2. I successfully managed to keep the Good Ship McArb afloat through some choppy personal waters and it's a good thing I did. The Hot Girlfriend was worth the wait.


3. I am almost fully transmogrified into a nifty hybrid of Martha Stewart and Keith Kirsten. This domestic goddess has perfected the art of conjuring culinary delights AND has green fingers - good for gardening.


4. Team Burger King did us all proud with their perma-podium finishes. Whilst we never actually won, we were certainly a highlight and "coulda been a contender" at the LMG Pub Quiz nights.


5. I did the inaugural Tutus 'n' Tiaras run (my eternal gratitude for everyone's assistance and support). Watch this space for more information soon. We're organising an event to benefit animal welfare. McCall, you are loved, missed and the inspiration for this wonderful initiative.


6. I played my first full length gig in a long time, storming the stage at Mercury with my fellow miscreant in Axxon.


7. I instituted a daily dof of the cap to the inspirational Neal Goldwyer, the King Of The Quip. Catch the latest instalment of his Daily Gems at the bottom of this post.


8. I made you look, I made you poep...

Notable achievements by those near and dear:

1. Tarty Farty Tequila Party managed to move homes without a complete break down. And the new place is rad!



2. Rose Thorn got to see her all time greatest idol, Tori Amos.



3. TDB managed a blog post.



4. Various other people got hitched and/or had children.

Also, since this will be my final post of the year, let me take this opportunity to remind one and all of the superawesome live music event which will be ringing in the New Year. Rock The River, with it's stellar line up of local acts, is set to be THE party to be at, no question! I will be performing on the night of the 31st with the other crazed loons of AXXON, delivering a devilishly delightful set of In-Your-Face Industial. There will be lots of stompin' and hollerin'. Afterwards, when I am allowed to have a little drinkie, there will probably be more stompin' and hollerin'...

And on a more sombre note, today marks the anniversary of the passing of Joe Strummer - RIP you should have stayed, not gone.

And so, dear friends and readers, we come to the end of our journey together for the year. I'll be happily rid of you bastards for this last week, not having any interwebnets 'n' all, sunning my lanky ass in various stages of inebriated holidaying. Have a fun, safe festive season full of love and cheer and hopefully a few naughty sexual favours. 'Til New Years!

And for fuck's sake, do NOT drink and drive!

NGDG: "There's a venerable Scottish tradition of putting one's house in order ahead of the new year so all bodes well. My hanging garden replete with downlights is that final step in putting mine in order. Just waiting for the paint to dry to complete installation."

Spread The Love. In Your Saucy Little Elf Suit... Happy Holidays!

I SAW MOMMY ****ING SANTA CLAUS! IT COST EXTRA...

Joke of the day

Good news: Kim's dead.

Bad news: It's not one of the Kardashians.

And on other diabolically stupid utterances, our country's dear leader is in the dwang again for his assertions regarding the degeneration of African morals and methods of dealing with shit since the introduction of Christianity and colonialism. We must apparently now draw a distinction between "Christianity as a faith", which is apparently ok according to a presidential spokesperson, and "Nefarious Missionary Activities", which are supposedly directly from the White Devil's Handbook Of Subjugation. Nefarious Missionary Activities? Are you fucking SEE-REE-USS? A presidential spokesperson? Doesn't he see how a statement like that can be used against the very president he is trying to defend? Hullo! Shower...! Taxi fare...! "She was asking for it by wearing a short skirt...!" Ok, maybe the president's spokesperson knows he prefers it doggy-style. At least now we know how they spend their days...

Besides, for any proof you may still require that humanity has lost its religious nature, just look around you. "Famine, Pestilence, War, Disease and Death" can all be found, ice-cream in chubby paw, strolling abreast in family sized battalions through Canal Walk. The accessory de jour is the pram, which is employed as a shopping cart, whilst the screaming, sobbing spawn of Satan is being carried, cascading snot and misery down the back of its parent's shoulder.

Must.buy.presents.

Must.put.my.family.in.perilous.amounts.of.debt.coz.Shoprite.and.the.TV.told.me.to...

Can you tell I braved Canal Walk after work yesterday? The most surprising thing of all was not that I was able to ghost between the legions of Fatties 'n' Foreigners, but that I actually found competent service at Look & Listen. I was gobsmacked! Anyway, shopping done with minimum bloodshed and tonight I wrap 'em all up in my bulk discount red wrapping paper with dodgy looking reindeer on that I have been using for the last 6 years. It's very easy to identify which are the gifts from me under the tree.

Not too much longer now, folks. Only 3 days until the music is switched from Christmas to Easter in the malls, with a smattering of Back-To-School and Valentines chucked in to spice things up. Get ready for the onslaught of Lindt chocolate bunnies, Ben 10 pencil cases and edible La Senza. Aw crap! I just gave away the surprise. Now my girlfriend is probably going to figure out what I'm getting her for the 14th of February.

NGDG: "No kid. You can't come talk to me. Not after you peed on my mint julep and keep trying to wash off my tattoo with your grubby hands. And I don't really want to borrow your Ice Age DVD."

Spread The Love. I Hope She Likes Her Ben 10 Pencil Case.

GET YOUR ROCKS OFF

So much to do. So little time. So many things happening on the same night. How do we choose? It's all so damn tempting...

Friday night, more so than most Friday nights, we're spoiled for choice. For those that remember the eighties, with the electro-experi-mental music, the atrociously flamboyant fashion and the tendency for bright colours, there's Way Back To The Eighties - Fizzed Pop (Featuring Gothballs) at Mercury Live and Lounge. You'll be treated to all manner of 80s pop classic upstairs and more than likely get a few giggles with all the dressing up expected to be on parade. Just go watch Wedding Singer to get an idea. Also, DJ Minstrel will be on the decks downstairs spinning all the 80s Goth classics you have come to love retrospectively and that the select few of us with functional memories can actually recall being awkward to at Playground. You'll probably see more than one Siouxsie or Martin Gore...

Which reminds me of another 80s dress up I went to once. JDP went as Boy George and we didn't even recognise him. There were obviously 3 Madonnas, a Cyndi Lauper and a Magnum PI, even JR Ewing if I remember correctly. Then there was me. And TDB. I have long blonde hair. TDB has a long, um... afro, if you will. We went as Guns 'n' Roses, Axl and Slash respectively. He looked fantastic - everyone commented. Me on the other hand, with my red bandanna, knotted fishnet top, ankle boots and hockey-sock-crotch-stuffed white cycling spandex probably looked a sight! I'll let that mental image percolate a while...

Then on Friday we also have the option of going to Pandemonium for an extreme metal party called Iniquity, featuring a top line up of DJs, in conjunction with the Emperor Tribute Show at ROAR upstairs, featuring A Walk With The Wicked, Wildernessking and more. Expect it to get loud!

I might still be Christmas shopping. Or incarcerated for an unfortunate episode of road rage involving a tyre iron and a Vaalie.

NGDG: "When the agent responds to your email in measured legalese, resist calling them 'fucking incompetent' a second time and instead agree with them. Sarcasm is undetectable in law, and giving their every word a racist slant will also bring satisfaction. You're a trustee now. But responsibility isn't the death of fun."

Spread The Love. 'Tis The Season.

END OF YEAR FUNCTIONLESS.

Go on... you know you want to.

As mentioned in yesterday's post, it's that time of year when a retrospective look over one's shoulder is a pretty decent idea. In this case, it's primarily for your entertainment, but also so I can remember what I got up to. You see, this blog also serves to document the "Suitable For Work" part of my life. And considering I suffer from permanently-shitfaced-amnesia, this has been quite useful. Michael Gira would be proud...

So here is the "latest-wat-uit-is" best of the Monster From The Blog. My Christmas gift to you:

1. Not a single slinky in sight - a manic tale of celebration and celebrity.
   



2. Apparently everyone does Mondays wrong. This explains a lot.
   



3. When your average day at the office is a Boner-fied Net Wank.
   



4. If only it had been Flesh For Fantasy...
   



5. I think Meshuggah said it best. Of course they did. The only way to live.
   



6. Don't worry, this "bit between" is not too graphic!
   



7. The Seven Deadly Sins of internet use - according to this Ass Badge.
   



8. A Challenge. It was all about pie. Unfortunately not the 314 variety.
   



9. It's time to shave a line down the middle of your chest hair.
   



10. Inspirational. Like American with oversized smiles and pomped up on their own zeal.
    



11. It's close enough to Christmas to include my Wishlist here.
    



12. Aaaah! Mo'vember Reign! Read this even if it's only for the picture.
    



13. A large black man with udders.
    



14. Everything's coming to a grinding halt...

And that, ladies and gentlefolk, concludes our object lesson in the human condition - and more importantly - our glorious opportunity to catch up, have a good chuckle and waste a whole bunch of time at work.

[Previous "best of" here.]

Spread The Love. Share My Blog. That's What "Spread The Love" Means! Duh!

DADDY COOL

Yes folks! Brace yourselves! One of the original members (rights to perform as Boney M in hand) is set to rock our shores once again. Tarty Farty Tequila Party and Sheik Yerbouti are going - in afro wigs and bell bottoms no less! Apparently to get in the groove, or something. I'm sure it's going to be brilliant! Can't wait for the pictures. Kinda makes these last few days before work closes for the Christmas holidays seem even more interminable. Mainly because I'm a sap for Christmas with the family - and my (apparently rather annoying) annual tradition of playing the Boney M Christmas LP*.

Time is molasses. It's the most perfect day in the Mother City and the only people who get to enjoy it are the Vaalies. Undeserving oiks.

At least my spirits will be revived this evening as the almighty Doompah Loompahs convene to play out a wondrous set of DOOM classics. At as few bereavements per minute as humanly possible. Always a fun night. Good laughs. The White Flip Flops will prevail!

Three more days of this leaden crawl to holidays. Then, you'd imagine, it's all about relaxing, putting one's feet up and drinking beer in front of the cricket. Think again. Renovations. Band rehearsals. Vaalie dodging. Family commitments. Braais. I don't think I'll even get a chance to keep this here virtual soap box updated. (Mainly from lack of intrawebs access)...

And speaking of... EVERYONE is currently trolling about, treading the waters of time, until we're released from the shackles of the work environment. If you're THAT bored, why not skim over some of my more popular posts? I compiled a little greatest hits, although I should probably do another more up to date one. Perhaps tomorrow I'll do a retrospective look at the year...

Oh, and a massive shout out to the awesome Ysie Meisie - congrats on your 23rd birthday! Hope you have an awesome day and even better year ahead! (Shit, do you think she'd mind that I revealed her age?)

*LP = Long Player. A flat (usually) black vinyl disc of 12inch diameter. These do not work in CD players or USB ports. Mainly because they don't fit and have analogue information etched into them. They were used to store recorded music before you were born and have since made an underground comeback as the preferred medium for djs with limited taste and who choose to struggle. My Uzi weighs a ton.

NGDG: "I have Angry Birds on my new phone. I'm happier than a big green pig in a rock fortress beset by a single blue jay."

Spread The Love. Less Git Nekkid.

NO HANKY PANKY

For The Dean

I've seen the future. The future wears Disney themed clothing, gurgles, screams, bounds after terrified pets and is the centre of attention for all gathered. And there are a LOT of them.

Yes, my long weekend was spent in the company or vicinity of children. Lots of them.
Most were in the 7 and under age group, and yesterday thankfully, they were of the early 20s to early 40s persuasion. Sans Disney prints.




Friday started off with a bang. I wish I could say I was being purposely "nudge-nudge-wink-wink" but...
Ran around like a blue arsed fly (never actually seen a blue arsed fly in action, but it's a saying that has stuck with me from my youth nonetheless). Many errands and even some shopping. Here's a tip when entering a monument to consumerism such as Canal Walk. Accept that it may take 3 minutes longer to find parking (the COW packing her Merc full of festive season swag and then NOT vacating her parking whilst blissfully unaware that I was idling away my entire petrol tank patiently with my indicator ever hopefully flashing is going to meet a grim and premature ending if my prayers are answered...) and thrust your hands deep in your pockets as you stroll along and whistle a popular Christmas jingle through you clenched teeth. Worked for me. Got in. Found item. Paid. Got out. No Vaalies were harmed in the purchase of this gift.

Friday afternoon heralded the annual Bimsi's Wonderland Of Mince Pies And Festive Season Pleasantries. Ate myself to near "Seven" type gluttony death, yet somehow failed to ingest even one Mince Pie. Although, come to think of it, that may be a good thing, as this post would then have been more of a rant-piece on how the term "mince" is somewhat misleading. There were lots of children and no boozing. Took a pleasant, seatbelt loosened drive out through the Durbanville Wine Route on the way home and listened to Fetish. Made up for being a responsible driver by spending the evening getting rat-arsed.

Saturday morning was more band practice followed by our long awaited birthday celebration away in the Table Mountain Nature Reserve. I have mentioned that I'm quite fond of my chunk of rock, haven't I? Orangekloof tented resort is the stuff dreams are made of. Entire structures are constructed from removed alien vegetation. Luxury hotel tents are enclosed in wooden structures, the main cabin is big enough to host the entire Wenches And Benches year end function, the showers and bathrooms look out over magnificent vistas and the braai is big enough to plank over and use as a rollerskating rink. The little wooden knives and forks were actually tongue depressers with little indents in them.
We sat with our feet in mountain streams that could turn flowers solid on contact, we gazed wistfully at spectacular sunsets (I was seeing double by then already), we braaied, we consumed our body weight in beer. We added to the untouched splendour and class of the surroundings by reversing my car to the gate, opening the back hatch and pomping the tunes...

The next morning we ate breakfast with sunglasses on. Indoors.

And after packing up we toddled off to that place The Dean calls home. They had been partying even harder and in fact hadn't bothered to stop yet by the time we got there. Now that's dedication. On with the swimming trunks and the sunscreen and flop down on lilo to drift around for a few hours of bacon crispy bliss. Sunday afternoon braais will always be a good idea. We had one. Sunday evenings spent chilling at home with one's better half curled up on the couch are also a good idea. I had one of those too.

Which brings us to today's life-sapping hangover. I don't think I have the reserves to make the week. It's like watching Wally Hayward stumble into the stadium at the end of the Comrades. You just don't know...

NGDG: "Kirstie Alley is the only cast member of Cheers never to cameo on Frasier because, as a Scientologist, a show that 'endorsed psychology' is against her beliefs. Well any dietician will tell you that nuts are high in fat."

Spread The Love. It Always Ends In Screaming. If You're Doing It Right. Or Wrong...

THURSDAY - IT'S THE NEW FRIDAY

Somehow IRREVERENT THURSDAY doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?

Let's, for the sake of having to call it something similar because it's the end of the week, cal it FUCKED UP FURSDAY. So, in the spirit of all things fucked up, go and have a gander at this Belgian fellow.

In other news, did anyone check out the @home FaceBoobs page yesterday? If you were quick enough you'd have seen a picture uploaded showing a young lady going down on some lucky dude. Lots of speculation about that. It's incredible how fast news spreads. I can see this becoming a trend. Hack away, hackers! Hack away!

@home - always that step a-head...

I stroked a cat with my mouse hand.

Also, you'll be thrilled to learn that SubVerS is in the process of conjuring up a brand new song. What's perversely unthrilling is that a random name has not yet occurred to us. Something like the "Clothing in Las Vegas" might work, but it's simply not catchy enough. Ha! I have it! It's going to be called "Sweat Shop". Perfect.

Can I have a Hallelujah! for the long weeeekeeend? In a few short hours I will be rid of the shackles of work and enjoying 3 days of haring around trying to do a million things and being everywhere at once. Luckily it all ends with a fantastic brunch and a chilled Sunday with the better half recovering from 2 days of insane revelry.

So have a great long weeeekeeend people. Remember to play it safe. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink and fuck ugly people. Unless you're totally wingmanning. And don't forget that our Presidency and Department of Health are actually fibbing when they claim that vegetables, showers and taxi fare can cure Aids. Be safe.

NGDG: "I'd like to thank Billabong for the marijuana-and-hydrogen-bomb-themed tshirt. Most bizarre roadblock ever - the Officer searched my car for WMDs and drugs and came up sorely disappointed. Even though I had 3 beers at dinner and attempted to evade said roadblock by turning into a closed T-junction, I was set free. Weird. Not being a drug-user, I'd still have searched a dozen nooks he didn't think to look. Amateurs."

Spread The Love. With Your Mouse Hand.