HOTTER THAN HELL - MAAR COOLER AS JACK FOKKEN PAROW.

Shiny happy people! Courtesy of Bryn De Kocks - Infinity Focus Photography

Time to report on the weekend. Oh what a time was had. And I didn't even see the party bus!

Cast your mind back to Friday. Remember how you couldn't read how everyone was shitting Twinkies over the heat because your internet screen was dripping slowly onto your desk? Yes? Well, Clever Clogs over here went and played football in that. A few short hours spent lying on my back in my room, trying to rehydrate with a few barley sodas, and struggling to chew my pizza, it was as if I was in high school on a Sambuca binge all over again! Genuine discomfort is now the prime reason for not imbibing as much as humanly possible at every given opportunity. I lie. It's actually a superhuman tolerance and a hopeless addiction.

Anyway, Saturday morning greeted me like a spear tackle from Bakkies Botha. It's been so long since I've gone to sleep without any booze that I felt genuinely out of sorts. Waking up without a hangover is a shock to the system... And off to our early morning engagement (or rather, wedding) we raced. We raced because we were late and it was all the way out in Palookaville Simonstown. We were also late because it was the worst signposted beach (nil) in the history of all beaches. I've seen better directional boards on the Skeleton Coast. We eventually snuck in the back and got to see most of the ceremony, which was held on the beach right by the water. Beautiful couple, beautiful backdrop, but the groom is going to hear all about his loafers/moccasins/whateverthefuckthosethingswere when I see him at band practice.

Then off to Summerfest with the rest of SUBVERS. A quick gear check and a hasty trip back for some of the promo material and we eventually made it to Stellenbosch in good time. After an awesome lunch it was down to business. Luckily shameless self promotion comes easily to me. Our promotion strategy worked an absolute charm and we played to a packed Klein Libertas theatre. The heat and the response from the crowd were equally infernal. It felt like we were playing in the depths of Hell itself, but the rousing applause and appreciation elevated us like nothing on Earth. Thank you to every single person who shared that unbelievably exhilarating show with us. Also, I'd like to officially thank Sean and Myles from Mac Audio for the great sound and stage management. Also, the lighting was fantastic throughout the night - I didn't catch the guy's name - but thank you to you too! And the guitar amps! Oooooohhhh! The guitar amps! Those Laney 120 Ironheart heads gave me such a ToneBoner TM...

And Herr Grun, he of the Stephen Green - Art & Design, for the promo design. Thank you! That shirt is amazing!

All the other bands that played were incredible, making it one of the best M4A events ever. In particular, it was great to meet the lads and lady of Adorned In Ash (thanks for letting my borrow your stand, Robyn). This band was something else, a real intensity envelops them when they get on a stage and they take the audience by the scruff of the neck and shake your soul. Wildernessking were, as we've become accustomed, sensational. Their brand of atmospheric black metal is certainly growing on me and their obvious musical superiority is something to experience. Arc Reactor were brilliant, although I have to come clean and admit that I missed a bit of their set (mainly due to packing up amid a heady cocktail of complete dehydrated annihilation and just-kicked-the-shit-out-of-EVERYONE euphoria). The highlight of the evening for me, though, was Sindulgence. I haven't seen them play since Rock The River a couple of years back and I enjoyed them then. They fucking blazed on stage! It was a pleasure witnessing a band so into their craft connecting with a crowd so clearly into them! So to all at Metal4Africa, particularly Patrick, thank you once again. It was a kick ass party and a testament to the continuous hard work you so tireless plough into the metal community of South Africa. You deserve a huge chorus of thank yous. But there is one more person who deserves the biggest thank you of, like, ever! So to my fellow Axxonite and skin pounder extraordinaire, my man McSkootnik! A THOUSAND THANK YOUS for saving our arses and filling in so fucking superbly on drums. SUBVERS rocked with you on board! Thank you!

The only bad thing about the entire experience is that it had to end. Oh ja, and the useless fucking cock-wranglers who saw fit to dief a handful of cellphones. One day one of those large, hairy, bearded, tattooed monsters are going to catch you in the act and then you'll learn why people steer small children to the opposite pavement when they walk by. I hope you get the p**sklap you so richly deserve.

Clearly, yesterday was set aside for some much needed recovery. I can't WAIT for the next one!

NGDG: Just realised that lyrics "You really turn me on" in Michael Jackson's 'The Way You Make Me Feel' follow the falsetto squeal of what sounds like a 10-year old boy.

Spread The Love. Let's DO It Again!