Wednesday, December 2, 2015

SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!


I wrote this yesterday - too afraid to step on toes - rather choosing to bide my time until knives had been put away. But I think it needs to be said, since the internet has provided everyone a platform from which to express their opinion. And at least this isn't a tired recycled meme, or a picture of a cat hazzing a cheezburger...

I was once at Mercury - could have been as far back as when it was still The Jam. The unholy act of such unspeakable malevolence that transpired on that evening had me in deep and disturbed shock! And I only read about it in the papers the next week!

...Some guy got a blowjob in the Mens bathroom...

...from a girl...

...at a rock concert...

Well, fuck me! I was so awash with disgust I couldn't even digest the information.

Fast forward to many years later and a friend of mine is escorted from the premises after a backstage altercation following some boisterous stage diving.

The truth is: I don't know the truth. The only point of view I am prepared to accept as holy writ is that of a good friend of mine who was manning part of the sound that night - and that certainly doesn't paint the full picture. In my rather checkered past I have learned that overreactions are not usually met with stoic politeness in the face of unbridled antagonism. Neither is a reasonable request most often met with frothing indignity. More often than not both parties tend to colour their side of the story with brighter, more sensational claims than the other because everyone knows that he who squeaks the loudest gets the most grease. And as for the moral outrage expressed by the majority of loyal supporters - good on you for showing solidarity against something portrayed to be so heinously unjust. And now that everyone has retracted their claws, perhaps I could suggest a more cautious approach to our reaction to the truth.

The truth is that metal heads are fiercely loyal, excitable and passionate about the music and lifestyle which brings them together.
The truth is that almost everyone outside the metalhead's closely and jealously guarded way of life is ill educated about the more exotic of our traditions - particularly when it comes to excitable expression whilst going crazy to the music we love. Please note that I use the term "we" very loosely.
The truth is that situations can - and very often do - escalate far too quickly for no reason. Very often miscommunication and misunderstanding can lead to some fairly severe consequences. I have seen a Russian sailor near beat to death just for wanting to buy a drink. Entirely unnecessary.
The truth is that people, by their very nature, will defend their corners with their teeth bared. Any attempt to find the unfettered truth from either of two opposing sides is an exercise in futility.

I have been to most of the Witchdoctor Productions shows since their reinvention, and have had the pleasure of dealing with them in their previous incarnation as Witchdoctor Records too. I can only commend their drive and determination to bring what the people want - and their relative success - the likes of which no one else has been able to emulate in recent years.

I have also been fortunate enough to have dealings with Mercury Live over many years - with the old management and the new. Nicer, more accommodating people you will not find and my hope is that you do not judge them too harshly for what seems to have been an incident which was allowed to get out of hand, but where no malice was on display (allegedly). I condemn physical violence in the most vociferous terms. If indeed the altercation led to serious physical harm, then let the individuals responsible be man enough to face the consequences. If not, then blowing incidents out of proportion seems a touch extravagant and common sense should prevail.

The potential damage to the local live scene could be irreversible... it will eventually be the Cape Town bands who suffer if a venue like Mercury is forced to change its format. Remember when they didn't allow metal bands a few years ago? How did that feel? We all need to be able to resolve these inevitable issues with a little more grace.

And if you would gladly condemn, then crucify, anyone without allowing them the chance to present their version of events, then you're no better than the bandwagoning, hatemongering, right wing conservative bigots you so vehemently oppose. Let he who is without sin (and I know that's none of you twisted lot...) cast the first stone in this glass house.

And on that note - you better fucking well be there - venue change or not - to support Cape Town's finest! BULLETSCRIPT and ZOMBIES ATE MY GIRLFRIEND will be tearing up the stage at Assembly. So like Paul McCartney said, "We all stand together..."

To anyone who disagrees with my thoughts - that's fine as well. I'm sure we can sort out our personal differences. I challenge you to a duel. You choose which shots you'd like me to buy you at the bar.

Spread The Love. Matt, We Love You, Man! 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I GOT A THONG THTUCK IN MY HEAD!

Sweet Baby Genius!

As we draw up our collective breath (thank you, Mister Stainthorpe...) and prepare for the final push, allow me to inject some levity into your dull existence. Well, I'll try but I make no promises. It's far too early in the morning and too late in the year for anything more than putting your head down and sucking it up. Hey, wait a minute!

It's December. The children have been let out of their institutional gaols and unleashed upon a citizenry unprepared for the incessant screaming. It's as relentless as the South Easter and even more annoying. I prefer the Fresh Prince's version of how summer time should go.

So what have you been up to? Getting your head down? Well, I am thrilled to report that the SUBVERS album launch surpassed even my lofty expectations and turned out to be a night of great success. And enjoyment. If you weren't there, then you'll be like that oke who feels a right kiepie when everyone else recounts that legendary time this or that happened - and all you can do is stand there nursing your Klippies 'n' cola around the fire dying of missilitis. To each and every one of the wonderful individuals who enjoyed the night with us - thank you from the bottom of our black little hearts! We trust and hope that you are enjoying the album! To our mates in ZERO STROKE, to Mercury Live and the team, thank you for everything - what a fantastic event!

Whilst we're on the subject of Mercury Live - the good people of Witchdoctor Productions have done it again! They brought FINNTROLL here for a good ol' dose of 'flagon n dragon' metal on Friday night and it was CRAZY! Bodies bouncing everywhere! Beer flowed. Fists pumped. Horns pierced the sky in choruses of HHFC metal synchronized unity and everyone had the time of their lives. Except this one doos. Who stood there watching, making sure his draft didn't get spilled, and enjoying himself quietly without giving too much away...

Not to be outdone in the ' beer n beard' department, Cape Town also hosted the Beer Festival this weekend and I was lucky enough to be the plus one of TheCraftBearResearcher. So I spent Sunday pinting away at a leisurely pace - what a pleasure! Luckily I was just drunk enough to ignore all the lascivious looks aimed at my long blonde hair and clean shaven face. I can't blame them. They haven't seen a beardless bloke in donkey's years.

Anyhoo, on with the dog and pony show. Almost there... Just . that . final . push . . .

Spread The Love. Vaalies In Mankinis!

Friday, November 13, 2015

BALLS DEEP AND MORALLY BANKRUPT.

Look Ma! No hands...

It's been a while...

You may ask yourself, in your best David Byrne impression, what the fuck I've been up to? And the truth, as much as it'll set you free after pissing you off, is rather less exciting than I would normally have you believe.

I've been working.
I've been suffering from an extreme lack of giving enough of a shit to entertain you.

Ok, let's rewrite that...

I've been working... extremely hard at getting an album ready for your listening pleasure.
I've been suffering for my art and now the time has come to share the results of this labour of love, blood, sweat and tears. Myself, Matt Daemon, Catcher In The Ry and our own intrepid producer who shall remain nameless for security reasons as well as not wanting to be part of anyone's lives in any way, have been slaving over this so that we may entertain you.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! Allow me to take this opportunity to capitalise on my return from the online wastelands to announce the imminent release of SUBVERS's debut album, appropriately (if a little self-indulgently) named 'BLOODSTAINED EULOGIES'. Catchy, innit?

We have been working feverishly for, well, forever on this and the results are in! It's magnificent!

But don't trust my clearly very biased opinion on the matter. You are invited to decide for your very discerning self! Marking the occasion of the album's official birth, in a manner not unlike Mufasa holding Simba aloft like a proud parent finally showing off his progeny to the world, we, SUBVERS, will be performing the album in its entirety on Saturday the 21st of November at our favourite haunt, Mercury Live in Cape Town. But wait! There's more! If you click on the event NOW we'll throw in some extra surprises and even - if you've been extra good this year - a new song. Nothing but the best for our adoring fans! And to sweeten the pot a little - as if that's even needed - our friends ZERO STROKE will do us the honour of sharing the stage with us!

And speaking of honour, it is my distinct privilege to wish the indefatigably inspirational Neal Goldwyer a glorious, grandiose HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May your wishes - no matter how lurid - all come true.

Spread The Love. Lube Up For Some SUBVERSion...

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

THINGS THAT SUCK

Daphne had the most annoying tartar build up...
  1. Eagles Nest - used to be the best thing since rainbow parties. I have been there time and time again since I was fortunate enough to discover this tucked away gem in the Constantia winelands. I've made a point to bring just about everyone who has ever visited me from out of town, and even some locals. I have had the best times there and enjoyed sterling service along with some wonderful wines. Then they put in extra benches and doubled their prices. And now... apparently you're not worth bothering over if you're not dressed in the latest fashion from the men's section of Queenspark and schmoozing about like you're a founding member of the Sunday Morning Stodels fraternity. It most certainly needs to be pointed out that the shocking service and attitude our very large table received on Sunday morning was unforgivable. If they had ANY idea of the spending power they collectively pissed off, they'd have choked on their own haughty indifference. Thanks a lot. Although I'm sure my business won't be missed, you've lost a life long devotee. 
  2. The new ETV jingle - if you've heard the abomination that is the revamped channel jingle, you'll understand.
  3. Life getting in the way of me getting to make music with my maatjies. Between meetings, deadlines and irritable bowel syndrome, I was denied my heavy hearted enjoyment of all things DOOMY last night.
  4. Not being able to post as often as I used to...
  5. The winter weather prohibiting me from doing my outdoor exercise.
  6. Little shits breaking car windows out of spite.
  7. Vacuum cleaners. Especially vacuum cleaners used early on weekend mornings by the kid next door obsessively cleaning his car.


The list is like my disgust for humankind. Eternal.

But today is actually NOT about things that suck.
Today is a glorious day! Filled with candyfloss clouds, rivers of booze, mountains made from the finest, softest boobs, and - at least in metaphysical ideal - the never ending blowjob. Things have gone full circle. You never go full circle! Hmmmmm...

Today is TARTY FARTY TEQUILA PARTY'S birthday!

Happy birthday, you wandering, wonderful gypsy!

May the universe smile down on you with as much warmth, grace, joy and love as you bring to those of us lucky enough to have you as a friend! Also, wine.

Spread The Love. Suck It. Wine Through A Straw.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

MUSICAL CHAIRS... A LAST EXIT FOR THE LOST.


When you first decided to try and learn to play an instrument, what drove that desire?
Are you still beholden to those original feelings, or has it all become a little jaded?
Do you remember the first time you heard something so overwhelming, so emotive, so engaging that it awakened in you an urgency to create a sound of your own...?
Did you for one second think to yourself that it would end up as a continuous stream of begging for clicks, begging for attention, begging just to be heard...?
Do you make music purely for the love of collaborating and creating that which is pleasing to your ear? And heart?
Does that mean you have given up?
Does the refusal to participate in "the game" indicate resolve or laziness?

Never has there been a more apt name for a game than "musical chairs", a game built on the premise that there is an ever diminishing platform for all the arsehole participants every time the music stops.
We live in that very real game of musical chairs, my friends.
More and more arseholes, less and less chairs.
The music has stopped.
But is it for the last time?

Sure, we now have an almost infinite market, but no one gives a fuck. And as for giving dollars, well we all know the answer to that! Music no longer holds any value because what is deemed to be music by the general public today has no value. At least not musically. I'm not saying the Sex Pistols were misunderstood geniuses - far from it - but at least they stirred the souls of a generation.

What brought on this early morning mood? Well, for one thing I have been rediscovering the joy of making music at its most basic level (I don't have much above the very basic to start with...) and last night was one of those "shit-eating grin" sessions. As for all the negativity, well, that's the kind of stuff permanently on my mind.

Come watch my shit-eating grin threaten the material integrity of the top of my head on Saturday.

Spread The Love. Putting The "EAR" Back Into "HEART"

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

VOTE FOR PERDO...O'MALLEY


Yesterday was murder. Except for the dinner-and-a-show part right at the end.
Yesterday was corporate hell. I stood naked before the world, no piercings with which myself to defend.

Contrived, I know, but I have been concentrating on things other than my prosaic droppings for some time now. As I'm sure you've noticed. Most people say the rather more uninspiring "work's been hectic hey!" but I feel I owe you a little more than that, my dear genteel reader.

Let's see, what happened to me over the last while... I maked a cake again. Part III! The Hot Girlfriend was over the moon! No dogs were allowed to lick anything in the commission of this master piece and the only dish / spoon shenanigans were restricted to the inside of the dishwasher. The rest of the birthday celebrations involved me slaving over a hot stove or a hot braai - a lot. There may or may not have been some wine involved...

Ooooh! Ja! SUBVERS also played their first house party! As reported in my last post, we decided to get back to basics and break out the party tunes. Having set up our PA system and after undergoing the time consuming face painting make up ritual (it was a horror themed party), we mightily bestrode the corner of the lounge and rocked out like so many garage bands before us. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see just about any American college movie ever made. And now imagine us doing that!
It was wonderful! We pumped that place so full of smoke, you'd have sworn blind you were at a Sisters gig in the mid 80s! And of course we topped this particular cake with the cherry that is "Scotty Doesn't Know!", the ultimate house party classic. We may even have duped a few individuals into enjoying themselves...

But wait. That's not all! If you go down to the woods today, that means you'll have Saturday free. What! Did I say "Saturday"? And "free"? In the same sentence?
Yes, my fellatio-owed followers! Saturday SUBVERS once more soil the stage at Mercury with their particularly lewd and lurid style! And with the return of THE DAMNED CROWS, who join us on the night to celebrate a milestone with our good friend Captain Awesome, shit is gonna get torn up good and proper. So put on your party hat, pop on a discreet adult diaper, smear on some lipschtick and drag your gloriously gaggin' arse down to the one and only Mercury for a night of heavy breathing, heaving bosoms, and heavenly noise terrorism!

It's FREE!

Read that again.

IT'S FREE!!!

In keeping up with the Kardashians, and the rest of the world as it devalues music and everything else, including even the most modestly veiled morals, fuck it! Captain Awesome brings you this extravaganza of excess at no cost to your good self. And the bands are performing for him, for you, and for free!

CRAZY!

And speaking of crazy, I have a damn panti-gram to complete... hullo! Make with the little black g-strings!

On decks all night is the one, the only, the inimitable DJ Reanimator, spinning your choons of choice and keeping your booty bopping until the wee hours. And by wee I don't mean "incontinently drunk". Although I'm sure that is most certainly not ruled out...

 Spread The Love. Buy The Birthday Boy A Drink.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

BANG! FUCK! I'M DEAD!


Pretend you're in your bedroom. Or Arties. And now pretend you're hearing James Hetfield bark out "I've got something to say!... " And now pretend that I indeed DO have something to say. And now imagine that the rest of this post isn't as awful as I anticipate it will be. Like St. Anger. Only without the insightful lyric.

It occurs to me that the older one gets, the more boring ones life. It's as if things finally come to a grinding semi-halt as we settle into a holding pattern of mind numbing boredom and merely trudge through the endless days until we are allowed to dull our affronted senses with the only socially sanctioned drug abuse on Earth. Booze it up while you clean the kitchen or do a load of laundry. Wake up feeling like you'd rather not, rinse, repeat. Adulthood. When did I become so wrung out?

At least, unlike so many of you, I have sufficient distractions in my life to convince myself that I still enjoy this dreadful existence. I get to use the horrible ennui as inspiration. And since I have no captive audience to satisfy, I can be as frustratingly obscure as I feel like. Which brings me to a lovely new ditty we're working on. You'll love it. It has it all! But you'll have to wait...

And speaking of things you missed out on, SUBVERS performed a secret surprise show on Saturday at a house party. Yes, thanks to the second half of the year's bookings disappearing in a puff of smoke, we decided to go completely old school! Oh what fun we had! Some of the guests even bobbed their heads and got into it. Whilst certainly not a stand out show in terms of grandeur or prestige, it was a highlight in terms of fun. And since it isn't likely to be repeated it was decided to include that ultimate of house party songs as the final number. Yup! You guessed it! SCOTTY DOESN'T KNOW! The goth metal version! One day we may be bribed with enough money/alcohol/projectile panties to release the video.

Anyway, I just thought I'd pop in and say hi. I'm sure you've missed me as I have missed dishing up the drivel. Problem is, I have no effing motivation and sweet fuck all on which to opine. It really is quite grown up of me.

Spread The Love. So What So What You Boring Little ****!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

LOVE LOVE ME DOH!


There's a remarkable difference between "getting ahead" in life and "being obsessed with getting blowjobs" throughout your existence...

Apologies for neglecting you, my avid, rabid readership. I have been partaking in the former, although remain steadfastly committed to the latter. You see, work has been hectic. One of these days I may even start wearing kerkskoene. No! What blasphemy is that...

Anyway, as befits my advanced years, the powers that be have finally seen fit to grant me some responsibility and such, which means I now have to work my poor little fingers to the bone (I don't know how you mortals have put up with this day-in-day-out for so long) in grand anticipation of my big bump up the corporate ladder. It would be soul destroying if it didn't come with the added benefit of a much larger booze budget. Still, no excuse for being so absent.
Truth be told, I haven't had anything exciting to talk about. And ranting about the sorry state of our world or the despicable behaviour of our leaders is becoming a well worn path towards a sore arm next to a rotting horse corpse in the sun.

I could tell you that I had a lot of fun band rehearsals, but then you already knew that.
I could tell you about all the wonderful culinary delights and alcohol fueled antic, but that, like my cowboy head wear that once served time in a stripper's on-stage performance, is becoming "old hat".
I'm pleased to announce that my focused attempt at fitness is going well, but I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I didn't admit to doing it for the sole purpose of allowing myself leeway to drink as much as I want to.

So I have been gone with the wind and no one seems to give a... oh no! I'm not falling for that one again! It's just such a pity I can't tell you about the incredibly awesome thing that's coming up. Not unlike The Kraken, only with less suckers attached. Although...

What am I on about, you ask. Oh nothing. Like tonight I think I'll rush home through the mire of unending traffic so I can spend all my time throwing money into the bottomless pit of my self indulgent "creative outlet". One day I may even find some appreciation. Who am I kidding. My arse looks nothing like the SS Kardashian so I don't stand a chance. Perhaps one day, with art being as fleetingly cyclic as it is, someone somewhere will click on the "pay $1" button and my life's ambition and selfless sacrifice will have meant something. Were my parents right after all? Nope. Fuck all o' ye's! My assault on your conscience and eardrums will continue unabated. Well, now that I have to return to the drawing board after Mercury's closure you may have to wait a while, but interesting plans are afoot, fear not. I mean, it's not as if I started a life of musical crime just to get the odd blowjob...

And on that rather offensively obscure note, just like that, he disappeared...

NDGD: (And boy, how I have missed his insightful wisdom) Get rich or die trying. Or run up massive debts and declare bankruptcy. More proof that rap is the Greece of music.

I missed you!

Spread The Love. Bring Me Wine.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

UP SHIT CREEK...



This is not an indication that I am currently in any sort of turbulently troubled situation without the necessary means of propulsion with which to extricate myself. It simply refers to the fact that the office cat is away for a few weeks. For the first time in a long time I don't have to deal with shit first thing in the morning every morning.
And it's glorious.

I also had this wonderful tie-in that dealt with varying levels of something very important, but like so many inspiring ideas, stories, lyrics and passages of music, all is lost the minute one wakes up completely. The best invention ever would be a fully recoverable dream recorder. Imagine the porn!

This may have happened some time during last night's load-shedding nap. There you go with the inappropriate analogies again. Oh no! I said analogies! That's like Koos du Plessis's deluxe triple cd box set which he decided to call 'Trilogie'. My friends and I at the CD store found that hysterical. Which is misogynistic in itself.

I had this whole schtick planned, I promise. But now I'm sitting here with my thumb lodged in my arse, the metaphorical equivalent of an unhappy guest of Kathy Bates. I suppose it could be worse. Luckily I work inside in a nice warm comfortable office. Spare a thought for the poor bastards having to deal with the brunt of this weather.

Also, I've been listening to Anathema and Ministry all afternoon. How kak is that?
So after my nice post-work nap yesterday courtesy of Eskom, I set about rewiring my studio. I probably shouldn't have. Now I have the DoomTroops coming in and half the gear is festooned over half the house...

Wow. For the first time in my life I really have nothing to say. Don't you feel a little uncomfortable? Aren't you overcome with an ominous feeling of foreboding and dread? This is like the penultimate scene in a particularly gruesome horror film. Uneasy before the final killfest. Squirm, squirm...

Don't look behind you...

Spread The Love. Stalkers Need It Too...

Thursday, June 18, 2015

WINE ME, DINE ME...


Ja you troop of delinquents.
Fear not, I mean that in the most endearing and affectionate way possible.

I suppose you want to hear what I've been up to...

Perhaps we should start with the birthday shenanigans. Or at least the latest batch, which went down in flames this last weekend in Hermanus. Once more we embarked on a wine fueled quest for glory, immortality and fresh air.

Friday night and it was brass monkeys, but we eventually got a nice fire going inside, followed by a swift lesson in exactly why my sister and I are not allowed to compete as a team playing 30 Seconds. The rest of the evening dissolved into an alcoholic haze which had no hesitation in reminding me the following morning that I have - indeed - gotten another year more awesome.
And as people of my advanced years and questionable lineage are socially obliged to do on Saturday mornings, it was off to the farmer's market. With no Biscuit Mall or Stodels in sight, we had to settle for the local equivalent. They even had their very own inappropriately Lycra-clad bicycle enthusiasts so we didn't feel like complete strangers. And, in keeping up with the Joneses, outrageous prices for fairly mundane fare. And hordes of elderly people straight from the pages of last year's Markhams brochure.

We decided to start with our adventure into the Hemel-en-Aarde wine route immediately. First stop, I can't even remember. All the places we went to, which included Bouchard-Finlayson, La Vierge, Ataraxia, Sumaridge and the one whose name escapes me, were beautiful. Windy, but beautiful. And the wine wasn't bad either. Astronomically priced is the new measure of true quality. Not. But it did mean the 3 lads who were celebrating their birthdays got to sit in the back of the 4x4 giggling like horny school girls in line to meet Motley Crue while the girls took care of the driving and general herding.

Needless to say the 2 hour attempt to start a decent fire upon arrival back at the homestead wasn't entirely surprising. But braai we did... Flame grilled steaks all round and they were pretty fucking perfect if I say so myself. (I have to, no one else ever does...)

Anyway, I won't bore you with the rest of the weekend's details, but I will tell you about my Monday. It was awesome! Have you ever had a day when you do nothing? Like absolutely nothing... I must have watched almost 20 episodes of Big Bang Theory.

Which brings me neatly to right here. Back at work and glad the sun is peeping its sheepish head out for a change. Unfortunately, with a return to being online comes the inevitable deluge of shitty news stories. Most disturbing of which is the sad news that Klein Libertas has burned down. What's up with the almost subliminal sabotage of our favourite live venues. I'm beginning to feel a little like an uncomfortable warm ninja turtle. The fundamentalist religious zealots must be having such a self satisfying snigger. Wait, what's that? Is that the sound of (in my wettest dreams) hundreds of you collectively nodding in agreement? Yeah, where the fuck exactly were you for the last while? 'Conspicuously absent' is not just a clever band name, you know...

I have to get back to being the first person without sin to cast stones all around this glass house, so if you'll excuse me...

Spread The Love. Computer Gigs Have Usurped Live Gigs.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOTHEQUE.


Fuck coming...
Winter - the bitch - is here! The MERCURY has literally fallen.
From the face of my personal planet...

Picture it... Sicily, 1922...
A little perspective.

I have played innumerable shows at Mercury (by my standards). Even some at The Jam. Some wildly successful, some less so. I have spent even more time watching bands do their thing up on that great stage. I've hosted charity gigs there. I've won pub quiz evenings there. I lost a lot of pub quizzes as well. I've had deep discussions and shallow dalliances. I've DJed and worked as lighting operator. I've crawled out of there more times that I've walked out with my head held high, both almost too many to bear thinking of.

I love the very bricks the place is made of; I love the people more.

So when it was announced it would be closing its hallowed doors for the last time, I was angry. Angry and sad. My knee jerk reaction was to shout "Look what you've done! Look everyone, how your apathy has taken its toll! Look how a life ruled by the modern convenience of online commerce has ruined something so dear to us!"

But I was wrong. Whilst inspecting the log in my eye, I came to realise that the industry has made such a monumental shift away from what I consider acceptable in terms of how it chooses to engage with, and enjoy, the art on which it is based that I must seem like a doddering old fool in the quizzical eyes of the youth. If and when they manage to extricate their attention from whatever's trending on their umbilical smartphones.

The simple truth is that it has changed, no matter how hard we lament or grumble about the good ol' days. Youngsters are no longer knocking out shitty covers in their long suffering parents' suburban garages and then going on to make memorable guitar driven music. Everything is programmed on the latest iPad by smug entitled little shits. But that's the point. The youth drives the industry. And they've driven it away. I watch as everything I have ever held dear is being torn down stone by stone, only to be replaced by fleeting interjections of the more plastic variety. No longer the fortress it once was, it now resembles floating debris on an ever changing ocean.

But I digress. I started out with good intentions and then got my head stuck up my own arse once more.
The people of Mercury, the ones who made it the monument to local music it has become, are the true heroes. To Lisel & Lux, our eternal gratitude for running the show, show after show after show. To the magicians behind the desk: Ian, Jethro, Nishan, Izan, Lyndsay & Juan - thank you for the incredible sound and the unbelievably high standards you always adhered to, not to mention the way you always treated all the bands and musicians like family and royalty! And to Kevin Grant - the coolest lighting guy ever (along - of course - with Tequila Nick)! Thanks for making a bunch of ugly rockers always look awesome. A gentleman and a true genius! To Sidney (kisses, bitch!), Khanya, Wayne & Tasmin (and Ice) thanks for the great times and the not so great hangovers. To Reggie at the door - thanks for the smiles and friendly professionalism. And let's not forget Themba and Canaan, who were always on hand to keep the place spotless, thank you for your tireless efforts!

And last but certainly by no means least, Kevin Winder. (And Sean Wienand, who started the club with Kevin.)Thank you for everything you have done for our community, sometimes in the face of overwhelming adversity. You were the giant on whose shoulders we rode. Without your selfless service over the years, many a young band would not have graduated to the lofty heights of stardom some of them enjoy today. And some talentless hacks would never have got to perform on such a professional platform. We as a community of musicians, singers, dancers and drunks salute you! Your contributions to the betterment of all our lives will never be forgotten and your wry grin will always warm our hearts.

Not to mention them trousers...

Thank you from the bottom of our collective hearts.

Spread The Love. Raise The Roof.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

GONE TOO SOON - NEVER FORGOTTEN.


I despise those who'd trade on tragedy. It's tawdry and unethical. And, in the case of some operators, it's despicably opportunistic. This is one of the main reasons I attempt to avoid glowing eulogies for famous people - especially on social media and particularly on here - which is a platform solely mine.

But that's quite possibly because I am far too cynical and full of shit. I do not want to be seen as one of these slimy "cool by association" types I so loathe. But then a friend of mine - upon asking me if I was going to write about the untimely death of South African porkrock legend, George Bacon, and getting the above answer - put it beautifully into perspective and told me I was being a doos.

I'd like to start by making it clear that we were not close friends. Yeah, a few drinks have been shared, and a few hearty laughs, but it is our association in the music industry that made us acquaintances. That is not to say that he didn't command huge respect from me, and the rest of the community. That much, in the last few days, is patently obvious. I remember the first thing I ever said to him went something along the lines of "Dude, I hate your music, but I have to tell you how well your CD is selling..." which, at the time, was a monumental departure from my all pervasive dick-headedness and my point black refusal to acknowledge anything other than My Dying Bride.

But write a tribute piece I will, nonetheless. George, as most of you will know, was possibly one of the most affable individuals ever to grace our little music scene, and well beyond. I think that was one of the endearing qualities of his that made him stand out among his peers, most of which were far too preoccupied with their own little successes to be anything other than arseholes, myself on top of the pile. His undeniable ability to enrapture a crowd, no matter how big or small, goes without saying. His infectious lust for life (as seen from the vantage point of a relative outsider) was the stuff of legend. And the longevity and astounding success of his band, Hog Hoggidy Hog, testament to the man's musical talent.

The sheer volume of communal condolence on Facebook attests to his enormous popularity, and rightly so, bar one or two contemptible parasites. In a rare moment of proper reverence, I would like to take this opportunity to join rank with the bereaved masses and add to their voice my own. To those George has left behind: his family, friends and followers, my deepest sympathies. The world is a poorer place for his untimely departure. To those of my friends especially who knew him well, cherish the many fond memories you have of this special, crazy, jumping, singing, laughing, smiling, hugging, loving man...

George, give Davey a hug for me.

Spread The Love. 

Friday, May 29, 2015

IF SCHRODINGER WAS AFRIKAANS...

...he'd be all for the human equivalent of turducken.

In a hundred years, the far away future, when humans have developed extra opposable thumbs and kneecaps have become obsolete; when we all have naguiltjie eyes and our olfactory systems have all but shut down altogether, it is my hope that - in the dusty archives of some preserved time capsule - some historian will dig out my hopelessly haphazard dribblings and be forced to read this shit the same way you are, my dear and faithful friends. You shouldn't be the only ones made to suffer so.

The future is indeed bright.

As opposed to the past. We hark back with fondness and wistful nostalgia to our youth, memories flood back at the soothing tones of a favourite record, or the violent pop of a riot gun. We say things like "Damn, they don't make things like they used to." There hasn't been a great song written in years. And be it a house constructed in the 70s, the Great Pyramids of Giza or whatever, they just don't build 'em like in the good ol' days... We live in a world where as long as you get your union mandated tea break, it matters not if the stadium you're helping build tragically collapses, taking with it countless lives. Seems the crack of a whip got shit done, and I don't mean in the confines of your bedroom/dungeon. Alas, we strive toward a mythical Utopia, and in so doing allow ourselves to be led astray by oppressors more insidious than the old slave masters.

But I'm getting way too serious for a Friday morning.

Aren't we all supposed to have our optimistic, jolly faces on?

I also have several serious theories on the current state of South African politics, but since the proletariat seems to prefer being led around by the nose in much the same way Tommy Lee Jones infamously used a pair of pliers in Natural Born Killers, perhaps it's best I kept my rather more enlightening opinions to myself. The true outrage is not what is happening, but the fact that it is being allowed to happen. The shocking truth is that no one has the wherewithal, or will, to oppose dear ol' Zuma. He will continue snuffling and gorging himself at the trough of plenty and there's fuck all you or I can do about it. At least that warmongering c*nt Obama is plundering resources outside his own borders - his actions, no matter how despicable, are enriching his people rather than impoverishing them.

Ok, so on to the good news. This weekend we escape the foul environs of the city and spend the weekend getting delightfully sozzled in the countryside. It's the Brother-In-Awe's birthday and we're going wine tasting, braaing, eating out, and nursing hangovers whilst wistfully looking poetic on a balcony with coffee in the mornings.

And that's just the natural progression from the dinner club of last night. Billed as an event in which "two buggers and a slap chick" would result in a possible Eiffel Towering, although there were high fives aplenty, it was a rather more moderate affair. The food, obviously, was off the charts. And when you feed this specific combination of people any wine at all, the conversations tend to get fairly raucous. So it was business as usual, except for my unplanned 6-in-the-morning stroll to fetch a car...

Spread The Love. It's Very Odd That You Can't Even.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

AFFLUENT / EFFLUENT

It's my blog - it doesn't have to have anything to do with the content.
Although, there is a pavement in there.

People = Shit.
We all know that, thank you Corey Taylor.

But why, in the name of all you lot hold dear, in the area of Sea Point so close to Fresnaye every second car is a Lexus, is there shit strewn all over all the pavements? I hope it's dog shit...
Are we protesting our good fortune? Or do we really just not care enough; or mind that we're literally knee deep in the kak? Have we become so cut off from our surroundings that we kind of just accept this as the norm? Pass me my acoustic guitar, for fuck's sake. Morrissey was right.

Well, yesterday took a turn for the decidedly worse. I got so bored I actually couldn't even finish this worthless attempt at brightening your day (above). Colgate, I ain't. At lease SUBVERS had a ton of fun at band practice. It's awesome to be able to jam tunes you love with people who enjoy it as much as you do. Not to mention the other shenanigans of which you will no doubt shortly see the results. But I'm not telling...

Shall we then sink our teeth into the country's current ails?
First of all, I realise it's yesterday's news (see above), but that oke Zuma is taking everyone for a royal p**s again. It borders on admirable the way he gets away with it time and time again. The real criminals are you and I, the people who know better, complain, and somehow find ourselves powerless to do anything about it. Or him. Nkandla? Fuck you. We'll sweep that shit under the carpet. Again. Smirk Smirky McSmirk Smirk. Marikana...? Once again, delay tactics. That's the first and most blatant give away. If someone is in the kak they stall and stall (see what I did there?). Have you ever known a politician to deny him or herself the opportunity to tell everyone how shiny, squeaky clean, virtuous and innocent of any wrong-doing they are? Nope. Much as I despise trial-by-media, this bumbling buffoon is taking you all for the biggest tits and we sit meekly by and whinge and wail. Perhaps we'll inherit the earth after all. What's left of it.

While we're at it, you didn't reeeeally believe we just got handed the 2010 FIFA World Cup because we, like, totally deserved it, did you?

And with that, I have conveniently run out of shit to talk. But chin up (said the director to the starlet), and take heart in the sure knowledge that we're all working hard behind the scenes cooking up something utterly glorious for you.

And speaking of cooking, tonight we celebrate the commencement of my and my Brother-In-Awe's birth month. With a hearty slap-up at dinner club. Commander Conker will also be in attendance, as will his beautiful bride Rose Thorn, both of whom are also part of this salubrious celebration. This could get ugly. Especially when you add a pinch of Tarty Farty Tequila Party, a dash of Slappy, juuuust enough Hot Girlfriend, and allow the better half of the DSW to stir it all into a great big merriment pie.

Spread The Love. I Should Introduce You To Kim Some Time.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

SPANKING SHOULD BE A SANCTIONED SPORT...

...in which I get to choose the spankees.

The world is crammed to capacity with geniuses.
Eskom implements loadshedding; every single person in South Africa chooses to inform every single person in South Africa that the parastatal power utility is mismanaged and struggling to meet demand. And that its all the fault of the ruling party, who have chosen to benefit financially from their sudden position of power, instead of heeding the warnings of the departing incumbents. How clever of everyone.
The weather - amazingly, and not at all against its natural course - turns a few degrees more nippy; mass hysteria and lamenting the likes of which were last seen at the Wailing Wall, and last Autumn.

Do you want to know who the government is REALLY letting down? The guy living on the street who has no heater. He can't turn it on to alleviate his shivering night, nor can he turn it off to spare the grid's embarrassment.

Get over yourselves and instead of spewing out redundant and self indulgent whining, do something positive. Enjoy a candlelit dinner. Plan ahead. Look into the cost of buying a UPS. Get a gas stove/light. This shit - no matter how terribly inconvenient to your precious sensibilities - is not going to sort itself out overnight. And pointing your accusatory little digits won't do a damn bit of good.
I'm not suggesting blind acceptance of something so blatantly incompetent, merely suggesting that your time would be better spent - and the community better served - if you rather did your bit to curb your own wasteful usage, or write a tune on your Grandpa's guitars. Actually, no scrap that last suggestion, it'll probably be awful and everyone will believe you to be a protest singer. And we're trying to get away from pointless complaining...

Last night The Hot Girlfriend informed me that I should complain less on this here virtual soap box of mine. And here I go, complaining about people who complain. Apparently it's far more enjoyable to read the irreverent stuff because there is an inherent humour in my incoherent rambling. She probably has a point, but as I pointed out over a delightful dinner (she took me out - it was awesome!), these days adulthood is taking its excruciating toll on my free time and my mood at work. So now I only post something when I have something to say, and that invariably includes anything to do with music, or whatever pisses me off. Long gone are the days of me entertaining you with tall tales of my death defying feats of athletic accomplishment (jogging) or the hysterical highlights of a life lived by the litre and all the near fatal flings with the poisoned chalice of chance (drinking). Ok, I've give you that one. That last list of seemingly pointless words really does make me look like the proverbial doos that's trying way too hard, and for that I apologise. I'm clearly out of practice. How about I promise to lighten up, eh? Just promise to keep reading! Otherwise the internet and the Universe are rendered entirely pointless and the last thing you'll read here is a suicide note...

I'd probably get a handful of Facebook likes for that...

Yes, so I got treated to dinner out last night. Perhaps as a reward for having to endure the cliched pain of shoe shopping with my woman. Thankfully it ended well, as the new boots are really awesome, but not before I had an Al Bundy moment with the unfortunate shop guy.

Anyway, back to the land of nod. I finally got my car back from its second opinion, since my current car doctors have been unable to diagnose what ails the poor thing after 4 attempts. So far so good. This time next year I hope that all the frustration of this year pays off, and I can transform into one of those annoying, smug arseholes who drive like dicks because their German-engineered cars cost more than my house. It won't be a huge leap, as I already identify with them. I just don't have the tools yet.

So in the spirit of being less serious, here is an appalling joke.
Sing along if you know the tune...

There were four in the bed
And the little one said
"Ag nee man fokof!
Ek will ook my beurt he om die hot een te spyker!"

Spread The Love. We Could All Do With Some More. It's Free To Give.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

SWEET EPILEPTIC SATAN!


Yes, folks, this is my... ta ta daa daaaah! Six hundred and sixty sixth post!

Everything is kak! Everything is in a shambles!
I may as well have started like with 'Fly On The Windscreen'.

Actually, the only kak here is that which is coming out of my mouth. Via my keyboard. Obviously.
Life is peachy and I have very, very little I can (even) complain about.

Just don't get me started on the music biz.

I declared earlier on FB that I wanted to start a band called LIKE, SHARE, FOLLOW & THE SELFIE SCHTICKZ. Because having spent my entire adult (straight face, I swear) life trying to make something of substance other than my frequent toilet breaks, I have almost reached a point where I would like to see some return for my constant effort. Hence my suggestion to form a group or become an artist with seemingly no talent and no end to back-end support. And I'm not talking about adult diapers either. I also want to mutilate a popular phrase and splooge it all over a second rate beat while looking like a smug schmuck. I already have a crippling sense of superiority, so I'm halfway there!

I even have proposed song titles...

Bitch stab me in the back (wit' a swagger)
Don't poke me, don't poke me (in my hashtag)
Ain't got no big butt, but I still got mi'yinns.
Shitz gettin' Cray-Cray(YOLO) - multicolour mix

And then in a moment of ultimate blasphemy, I'd do a Cure cover... "Pictures Of Me"... but that would be a Jack Parowdy.

As you have no doubt discovered by now, I am having a slow day at work. And on top of that, I have loadshedding to look forward to tonight halfway through band practice. Lovely.

Actually, perhaps a barf-metal band would be a better idea. You know, the kind that concerns themselves mainly with themes of partying and drinking. I could write such celebratory gems as "Bladder Betrayal" and "Legions Of The Legless" and tour the world getting ironically drunk.

Anyway, suppose I'd better stop now before someone (me) gets hurt.

Spread The Love. It's All In The Eyes.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

THE PENIS MIGHTIER THAN THIS WORD.

This is not what FR David was on about.

Words are meant to be all powerful. They're supposed to render ones opponent impotent in the face of their sheer magnitude and overwhelming force. Why then, has society chosen to upgrade its arms and devalue the written word so dramatically?

And by the written word I, of course, mean lyrics to songs. And now my train of thought has come to shuddering halt and sommer derailed itself...

My brain has most certainly atrophied to the point where I can no longer follow through on any particular chain of reasoning. Perhaps it's because we live in a world where what passes for literature is the equivalent of what passes through ones rectum after binging on McDonalds. And it's just as nourishing for your soul. Don't get me wrong. I'm no high brow literary man with leather-elbowed tweed jackets. I own Wayne Rooney's autobiography for fuck's sake. But I draw the line at "I can hazz cheezburger". And the subsequent demolition of language in all its glorious applications.

I also own a leather bound edition of The Necronomicon, although I struggle with that one. Also, for the real prose-nuts, an author bound first edition of Bayeau (as if to make my point, I'm not entirely sure of the spelling - darn you, socky ironicalness!). If you have to ask, then you're one of the many left out of the loop.

So why am I banging on about something most educated people have already lamented ad nauseum? I saw a link that asked 'Why can't we read anymore?" and instead of reading it, I chose to fill your lives with my pointless drivel. Aren't you excited? Now you can go and spend your lunch hour in a queue for Burger King (or any other establishment with wifi) and entertweet yourself with bytesized glimpses into the lives of some of the most inconsequential individuals ever to draw breath. Do not forget to buy the branded lunchboxes!

My poor kids, should I one day afflict the Earth with the result of my heaving procreation attempts, are going to be the least popular kids in school!

Fuck this - I'm going to "whooosah!" for the rest of the afternoon and have Anathema's latest offerings on youtube soothe my soul. If only there was genuine rest for the wicked. I'd even settle for just a nap and dial back my diabolical plans a notch...

Spread The Love. Wield Your Mighty Word Sword (Excalibur Mark)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

MISSIONARY - NOT BORING AT ALL!


Wayne Hussey is wonderfully flawed. On his own, or with The Mission, he has never delivered the picture perfect performance, or at least not to the best of my rather limited knowledge, having been stationed on the other end of civilisation for most of his career. This makes him endearing and honest. And last night I was once again fortunate enough to witness and experience one such performance, having had the privilege to "rock out with my Docs out" many years ago when he brought out the full band and Dawnrazor still called Cape Town home. (I know, because he was my major partner in paralytic crime that night, front and centre...).

Except last night was mainly acoustic, completely intimate and Wayne alone, doing a selection of songs from his illustrious career (songs that have informed and influenced the way I attempt to write to this day) as well as a few seemingly cheekily chosen covers. Allow me to lift the veil...

Ashton Nyte, South Africa's favourite son and dark romantic, got proceedings under way with is own set of acoustic gems, spanning an impressive career boasting some 18 albums, the latest of which, Some Kind Of Satellite, he is touring - hence his inclusion in the Hussey roadshow for South Africa. And not a moment too soon! Ashton has been an awesomely accomplished performer for as long as I can remember, but every time I see him on a stage I am even more taken by his charisma and presence. I only have one ... observation. Yes, I get that "that song" put him on the map and brought him to the attention of the local media and fans, but people please! He has consistently released the highest quality material - having written such exquisite songs as Maree and many more. Stop baying for damned 'Sound Of Silence' and appreciate this amazing artist for all that he has to offer.

Anyway, on with the dog 'n' pony show.

Up next, ushered in "Here, have a seat, Mister Huss!"style was, well, Mister Hussey.
Backed by an array of gorgeous guitars, he launched into his stellar back catalogue (as well as some other interesting nuggets and anecdote, most of which were him remembering the shenanigans from his last show in Cape Town, but nothing of The Purple Turtle after party...)
Since I can't possible remember everything, here then, the highlights and various other of my lustrous opinions:

'Severina' was exactly, exactly the way I imagined it would be, stripped of its stadium pomp, it was an understated, but not unassuming jewel, as was the equally austere 'Like A Child Again'.
'Wasteland' was one that I was looking forward to immensely. Wow! What a unique take on one of his biggest classics! Playing an extended version which strayed so far from the original that when he eventually meandered his way back to the memorable chorus, people were actually surprised.
The haunting beauty of 'Tower Of Strength' will stay with me for a long time. I can't really comment more.
Interspersed between these Mission classics, were a number of treasures such as a cover of Echo & The Bunnymen's 'Killing Moon' done on ukelele - smashing! He also snuck in a rather subdued 'Personal Jesus', which worked very well if you prefer the Johnny Cash version to the Depeche Mode dancefloor favourite.
At one stage I found myself outside at the bar, where I was royally entertained by the MC, Danny. So I know for a fact I missed a few songs, and you'll have to forgive me if these were played, but I felt that a trick may have been missed by overlooking 'Grapes Of Wrath' and 'Lovely', both of which make stunning acoustic numbers...
And then he went and did The Cure... Holy Shit! - as in "holy shitting on my holy cows" that is. I cringed my way through whichever song it was that he assaulted, I can't even think which one it was now. Only the Sleepers have ever successfully pulled off a Cure cover.
Also, 'All Along The Watchtower', although given the Mission treatment, just didn't do the song justice, especially since Jimi made it so famous with all his guitar wizardry, spicing up Dylan's doleful dirge.
And then all was forgiven, forgotten and forever consigned to history as closer 'Butterfly On A Wheel' brought the fucking house down! Inviting Ashton back on stage to share vocal responsibilities on what is arguably The Mission's best known title, the crowd was blown away! Ashton's immense vocal capability gave a song I have loved for 2 decades or more an added sheen, a lustre of such blinding brilliance that I sat there awe struck and dumbfounded. Without a doubt, that rendition was one of the highlights of my existence. Bravo! Both of you! For an incredible show!

Anyway, I have to love and leave you. To Jon Monsoon, thank you mate! To ASP Records - congrats on putting on a great show and thank you for bringing out one of my heroes. Again. And Ashton, it was good seeing you again. And to the few unfortunates who didn't book their babysitters late enough, you missed out on one of the singular greatest performances I have ever had the privilege of experiencing. Seriously.

And to my own collaborator-in-chief. I'm truly sorry.

Spread The Love. Just Not Like On Amelia.

Friday, May 8, 2015

GLORY HOLES - YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.


Apparently it's the 70th anniversary of the end of WWII. These unlucky motherfuckers are pictured here getting what is likely to be their last smooch ever. Judas's real name was actually Judith.

Anyway, pardon my absence. I've been on holiday. And as with leave from work, the inevitable deluge of excrement that accompanies ones return, rendering ones time away and the relaxation it offers, ultimately pointless.

At least it allowed me some much needed relief from the scourge of social media. It was bliss. But like smoking, we're drawn back out of necessity and an overwhelming urge to be in with the cool kids. So I continue. Batten down the proverbial hatches for I have much to tell in the line of "what I did on my vacation".

I spent a lot of time on the West Coast. Now remember, much of my previous contact with people from the fabled West Coast was brought about by people in my past who I am gladly no longer obligated to call bosom buddy. I had some dreadful experiences with the worst of the worst. Being exposed to the type of person who obstinately embraces being backward left an indelible mark on my conscience. Between that, the lack of shoes, crocheted condoms, the dialect and my well documented penchant for judging the fuck out of people, it is always with much trepidation that I venture beyond Melkbos. I mean, Tableau Voi is bad enough, with the boy racers washing their sooped up Corsa Lites on Saturday mornings. Etceteraaaah.

Anyway, I had a very pleasant day in Paternoster, where I also happened to bump into the only dog on Earth who doesn't like me. Small world. Apparently there are roadblocks leaving the fishing village to check your vehicle for contraband crayfish. Oh, what passes for entertainment out there...

Langebaan was an entirely more exciting proposition. Mainly because we brought big city sophistication (well, sarcasm) with us for the trip. The recently betrothed AzPack and DrHellCuz dragged The Hot Girlfriend and I along for a long weekend of sitting in traffic on Langebaan's main stretch. Apparently there was some form of festival in town. We did what any normal person would do and braaied, drank and laughed a lot. I even shed my shoes on one occasion in an ill advised attempt to assimilate myself with the wildlife.

Oh yes, rewinding the clock even further, we had an awesome time with our respective sets of visiting Expats from the UK. Dinners, wine tasting, braais, more wine tasting, Crimson House, some wine tasting, breakfasts, The Flaming DeVilles, obnoxious bar bills at Mercury, biltong making, some of the worst hang overs in recent memory...

...oh and some wine tasting.

My cup truly runneth over.

Not so much when I think of all the car trouble I had. Perhaps it's time to trade in the Frog Prince. I should have sold it to that oke who left not one, but TWO post-its on my car asking if I was interested in selling.

Here's your disconcerting thought for the day:

The term M.I.L.F, as popularised in American Pie, might also stand for Mother In Law Fucker.

Sweet Dreams, children.

Spread The Love. No More War.

Friday, April 17, 2015

GORDON MOTHERFUCKIN' RAMSAY!


I couldn't even... 
...help myself.

Yeah, bitches. 4 and a half years of living on my own has proven worthwhile. Very much like when Faf du Plessis first went to go and play county cricket, I have been forced to learn how to cook for myself. And subsequently, others.

Up until the sudden onset of inexplicable madness, I was quite happy to indulge in the omnipresent deal of "you cook, I clean". It worked with everyone with whom I ever shared an abode. When all of a sudden it dawned on me that you can't actually braai every night, despite a very valiant effort. Even substituting "breakfast for dinner" didn't provide enough variety. So I decided to expand my meal-base.

And now - after countless panicked phone calls to the better half of the DSW - I believe I have the hang of it. Last night at dinner club, the applause stopped just short of a standing ovation. I have taken to providing a theme to the nights on which it is my turn to whip up something fanciful and last night it was "Shit served inside other shit".
The starter was a butternut soup served inside hollowed out fancy loaves with rosemary. Like a soup gatsby.
Then followed the bobotie cooked and served inside a pumpkin - fucking impressive, hey!
And to finish off, it was baked brie-in-black-fig drizzled with honey.
Add some good wine and some great company and you have a night of gastronomic grandeur the likes of which I doubt I will ever be able to replicate.

So you see, I'm not just an alcoholic, cantankerous, potty-mouthed axe-murderer. And all I can say is thank God I have a dishwasher. The kitchen resembles Dresden. Next thing you know, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe. And there are shin bandages next to the cheese.

So now you see. The similarity to Gordon Ramsay stretches further than the shocking list of expletives streaming from our mouths at any given time. And nobody got my Hilary Swank joke. Fuck all of you.

Oh yes, before I forget, tonight sees KUDUCHILD (still the second best name in SA music) unleash their latest single at Mercury. Best you be there to join the boys in giving it horns. Joining them are KRAAL (I wonder if the combination of their names raised any "domestic" jokes) and CONDUIT (in my opinion, which you should take very, very seriously, one of the hottest bands about right now).

And speaking of unspeakable amazing things - as we are - tomorrow night I will be taking some time out to quietly sit in a dark corner and sob a heartfelt little sob or immeasurable sorrow. The most incredible line up of bands assembled on one stage in one night is happening tomorrow at Club Med. THE SLEEPERS, WILDERNESSKING, OHGOD & PEASANT. And I can't go...
That's it. Stick a fork in me, I'm done... he concludes with a forced cooking metaphor.

Have a safe, awesome weekend.

Spread The Love. But Get Out Of My Kitchen.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

CANDLES ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND



And, as it happens, guys too! Sies, you and your dirty mind.

This morning I woke to no lights, no tv and no toaster. I still managed a hot cup of coffee, a hot shower and enough candlelight by which to bumble around. Major inconvenience. How many millions in this country have to contend with that, or even less, daily? Spare a thought for those less fortunate. After all, if Mr Bean is to be believed, winter is coming.

So stop fucking moaning about loadshedding.

Imagine you were thrust into a position of extreme responsibility without having a single clue how to do the job.

Oh, to have a paycheck large enough to sincerely not have to give a fuck...

Ah, there it is. Just as I get all misty eyed and pious, my dear fellow countrymen do something to reaffirm my despair for humanity. What's with all these attacks against foreign nationals? (Please note my extreme refusal to refer to these as "xenophobic". I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fledgling journalist who just discovered a fancy nice big word and now has to overuse it to death.) And why do they seem to be so coordinated? The sad truth is that I actually understand why it's done. In a hand-to-mouth existence, one lashes out at the most obvious impediment to your own survival, the targets in this case the people who are seen as taking "err jerbs". Anyone can run a spaza shop, therefore undercutting the locals is seen as a threat. Imagine how bad it has to be in the rest of Africa for anyone to risk opening a shop in a local township as a better alternative.

And the root of all evil, as is always the case, is money. Or the lack thereof. Congratulations Zuma, your Nkandla lifestyle is being paid for handsomely. You are, of course, merely a convenient example of the emergent elite who are largely responsible for the abject poverty that leads to the above mentioned barbaric behaviour. I hope one day that you see that. And that the paycheck is not large enough anymore for you to turn a blind eye...

You, and of course those bastard imperialists.

Spread The Love. Peace, Love And Understanding Are A Stone's Throw Away.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

SPIDEY SENSES... OOH, HOW THEY TINGLE!


With great power comes great responsibility.

I prefer some great reward.

I'm trying to tell you that, with my career path on such a sharp upward trajectory, I'm kak busy at work. It's frustrating. I miss the carefree days of discovering all the dark little corners of the internet. And regular posts.
Yesterday, as with so many days of late, I was almost driven to homicide.

Still a better love story than kissing n' platbekpadda upside down in the rain dangling from a streak of spindly silky snot.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. Perhaps I just had a small window of opportunity I needed to use. Which leaves us here. A place where I started something I can't finish. Much like my perplexing adolescent social advances with the opposite sex. I haven't gotten any better, mind you, just luckier.
I remember the last (and probably first) time I ever offered to buy a girl a drink in a bar. Pretty little blonde. Her face contorted into a mask of anguished hatred as she fought her natural inclination to flee and settled for merely telling me to go fuck myself. In hindsight I probably shouldn't already have been holding 2 drinks on a 2-for-1 night. Hideously transparent. Now I just drink both beverages and try not to embarrass The Hot Girlfriend too much.

Oh fuck this is going to be one of those posts. I'll try and steer clear of the politics - both of our beloved country and that of music. The local music scene is having a collective platz again. Actually, I should take this opportunity to inform you of a stomping li'l shindig going down at Mercury on Friday. Kuduchild are celebrating the release of their new single 'Goodnight Lady' and are joined on the night by the incendiary Conduit and the infectious Kraal. Listen to my hooves!
Also, the most amazing line up ever in the history of local music is happening on Saturday. The Sleepers, OhGod!, Wildernessking and Peasant are all flaunting their impressive wares at Club Med. This is one not to be missed. As ever, not able to follow my own advice, I will be doing something else. Don't get me wrong, I'm gutted, but I do have something very important on.

Some days are better than others. Just about to have a meeting with one of my local music heroes. Suck it.

Spread The Love. On The Web. Not On The Couch. Although...

Friday, April 10, 2015

GORGEOUS NAKED PORNSTARS IN HOT TUB!



Well, isn't that the rock'n'roll dream? Even more so if you're a rock'n'roll band from Switzerland where this sort of hedonism is commonplace up in the Alps.

You guessed it! Mercury is hosting another international act tomorrow night! RESTOCK, fresh from their dizzying performance at Witchfest and concluding their countrywide tour are performing alongside local heavyweights, BULLETSCRIPT.

Hang on. Repeat that...

International band at Mercury! Our cups runneth over! Damn, it's good to be alive in these plentiful times. You're all spoiled like, well, really spoiled children who have wealthy divorced parents vying for your affection by getting you ever more ostentatious gifts. Without all that uncomfortable broken family palaver. Click here for ALL the event details.

Anyway, I will be spending the day celebrating the nuptials of the most expensive indoor potjie ever made, but will try my damnedest to join all you lucky buggers later on that night. Speaking of, I was there last night checking out the Bluestown Sessions. On a school night. It was awesome. JDP was there. So was Captain Awesome. We hope that whatever contribution we made came in handy - The Hungry Hungarian needs to replace some stolen gear. Somewhere around Gardens a tik kop is running around with some vintage stuff he has no idea of. Unless he's already hawked it for a fraction of its value so he could get that next high. Doos.

So, if you like your cheese like you like your rock'n'roll, then come on down for a night of sweaty, swaggering fun. Even more than you'd have with some grim creatures in a chlamydia casserole.

You're NOT Motley Crue.

Spread The Love. Like Bitches In Bubbles.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

MONU-MENTAL!



Once, when I was in primary school, I proffered a piece of carbon paper held out on the palm of my hand to an unsuspecting girl a year older than me, telling her it smelled funny and that she too should give it a whiff. Once she got her face close enough I smeared the carbon all over her face and hightailed it as fast as my legs could carry me. She chased me for almost a full lap of the school grounds. I couldn't stop laughing. At that precise point in my life, that was the greatest of my achievements.

On with the body count. I have tried to keep my great big blabbering mouth shut regarding what I consider gross stupidity of the rankest order in this whole statue defacing debacle. Note, I said "tried". I see both the point made by the instigators and the defenders. It's a noble trait I just picked up and I believe it's called adulthood. I'm not sure if I'm altogether comfortable with this new mantle though...
Anyway, I have been mulling it over and just when I decide to pen my considered opinion, this guy goes and writes this. I promise I had every intention of writing something but it all seems pretty pointless now that this guy has so eloquently made my point for me. I even had this picture picked out yesterday and all!

Actually, screw it! Let's remove ALL edifices of white imperialism and replace every single one of them with bronzes of Eddie Murphy. Engraved on the base we could have a speech bubble immortalising the words "Hey! Motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit! Suck my dick! Bye-bye!"

But much like the distasteful backlash of our Afrikaans "singers", this would raise the ire of the prudish proletariat enough to mobilise them into mass crocheted cover ups. Imagine a world where every monument resembled the old Barbie doll spare toilet roll holder. Pretty apt, considering this world is fast sinking down the bog.

You see, the problem with work interfering with my online tomfoolery is that you don't get to physically see the time gaps in the creation of these little disasterpieces. I have now been out of the office for an hour or so fart arsing about with an auditor (sounds like something Harry Potter should wave his little wand at...) and in the meantime new information has come to light. I just read a document in which Mister Cecil J Rhodes was quotes as saying he'd build UCT "Out of the k****s' stomach". Well, fuck everybody!

Fuck Rhodes.
Fuck Steve.
Fuck Sunette.
Fuck the pooh-flinger.

Each and every one of these is guilty of disgusting crimes against humanity.
Actually, humanity is guilty of the same thing.

You all suck!

Spread The Love. Leave Out The Liedjies And The Feces. Although There Isn't A Discernible Difference.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

S.W.A.G.

Sealed With A Gag - to show him you really care...

I recently checked in on the number of "reads" this here virtual soapbox of mine was up to...
I lie. I check all the time. It's in my competitive nature to permanently seek validation or superiority and having my hands down my pants is often frowned upon at work.

So I'd like to thank the army of loons that make up my rabid following for being as fanatical as you are. It can't be easy logging in time after time to read the same thing over and over again. How else to explain the staggering numbers? There can't possibly be that many of you! If you were Roman gods, you'd be Erudite. [You have to pronounce the last bit like the last bit in Aphrodite...]

Anyway, it is with much appreciation that I thank you from the heart of my black little bottom. I'll continue spewing drivel all over your screens as long as you allow me. Like the indulgent parent and the vomiting infant in the mall, a necessary cog in the mysterious machine that is life.

Not so mysterious is this whole "wine, women and song" thing that rules most of us. When I was younger, my dear ol' mom used to have very many suspicions (confirmed or not) about who was the "bad influence" on her precious little over achiever. Coincidentally, the suspicions first surfaced when the over achieving came to a sudden grinding halt. I still don't have the heart to tell her I was leading others into temptation and not the other way around. Barring, of course, the "women" part of the equation. No matter how much of myself I put out there, nothing and no one seemed interested in "taking the bait". But I digress. I was going to make the point that the three ingredients in that triumvirate of vices still rule the roost. And last night I got to experience them to the full. Again.
With the glaring exception of the "women" part. Again.
TDB, Rose Thorn (wine in hand) and I made glorious doom metal, echoing throughout the aching agony of the ages, and as far as my kitchen. I don't have a point, ok? I'm just padding my report on what I got up to. It was glorious.

And tonight SUBVERS get together to plot and scheme our way into your collective conscience, your dark little hearts and your knickers. I would tell you to look out for imminent updates but we all know that perfection takes time. Isn't it nice how we live in a world where subjectivity is so acceptable? Can you imagine rating bands on their empirical, rather than their emotive musical worth? I'd be fucked.

And on that blond bombshell, I'm out. Have the day you deserve. Cheeky, neh?

Spread The Love. Not The Cheeks.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

EASTER - A BOOB DANCE...



Yup, that's a titillating little picture. For the whole video, click here.

And now that I have your attention...

It is with great sadness that I must report that I did not go to Witchfest this weekend. The missilitis has been eating me alive, especially with all the reports streaming in about how absolutely mental it was. To be honest, I am really crushed I managed to miss Septic Flesh, maar nou ja. Too late she cried..

It ended up being a good thing. My oldest friend surprised me with "Hey, I'm in South Africa til Tuesday, let's get together for a drink!" He lives in the UK, so I haven't seen him or his wife in many, many years. I'd have missed that.
Then, The Meyer Of Awesomeville and his even more awesome First Lady snuck into Cape Town. We welcomed them with open arms and open beers. And gabbed for a million years. It was, to labour the point... awesome!
Lots of family braais and the usual revelry to fill in all the gaps which you usually reserve for doing laundry, and you have two very exhausted Easter bunnies. Not to mention another drinks session with SimOne.
Another event I'd have been gutted to miss was the rather less celebratory, but it was good to see old friends and reminisce.

When The Hot Girlfriend and I finally had enough time to catch our breath, we made the world's most awesome home made burgers. If pop up restaurants weren't so popular right now, and if outrageously ostentatious facial hair weren't a prerequisite, I'd open up a diner. Any leggy dames out there with their own rollerskates? I'll keep a life time supply of Mycota in the office since socks are frowned upon.

And now I'm back in the office. Long weekends are not long enough. Seems I should have an awful lot more on which to report, or at least more depth into which I could go, but I don't. So I'll leave it at that. Oh bloody hell! What am I thinking! I forgot one of the most important bits.

[Please do not think of a disappointingly short sexual escapade when you read the above paragraph.]

The Hot Girlfriend and I took TDB & MeJulie out wine tasting on Saturday. As we drove past Constantia Village and the traffic came to a complete standstill, we realised our fatal miscalculation. The fucking 2 Oceans Marathon. Not only is that other blog damnably, and infuriatingly, successful - but now the marathon from which it stole its name was blocking my boozing!
Anyway...
Making a sho't left through the mall parking lot and deciding to try and wind our way to Buitenverwachting instead, we were once again (and this time unavoidably) thrust into crawling traffic. At least this time we had the advantage of watching the "athletes" variously jog, walk, trudge, or shuffle past us in the opposite direction. The unearthly masks of desperation, agony and in some cases, numb noncomprehension, were priceless and actually reminded me of my maiden sojourn up my mountain with Commander Conker. Why we do this to ourselves beggars belief.
Buitenverwachting was closed.
Luckily ol' faithful, Steenberg, wasn't.
Following a languid wine tasting there, we managed to make our way to Eagle's Nest where the squeals of delight upon entering could mean only one thing. The Hot Girlfriend found out they had their world famous Viogneur back in stock.
We picnicked. We strolled around the picturesque grounds. We left. All in all a grand day out! Capped off with the obligatory piss up back at my place it was the cherry on top of a great weekend.

"Here I lay me down to sleep, and pray that Witchdoctor will bring Septic Flesh to South Africa again. Just for me... Amen."

Spread The Love. "It Can Leap... THIS Far!"

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

4 OKES GOING ASS-TO-MOUTH...



...the human centipede of pop "music". It's in the name.

Today is "everything that is shit in this world" day. The latest boy band sensation is storming the ramparts and if you listen closely, every tweenage girl in the Western Cape will chorus "Want erection! Want erection!", a harrowing chant echoing through the biggest toilet on Earth. Me, I'll be travelling home via Camps Bay and then camping outside my beer fridge.

Oh, you wanted to hear about REAL music? Ok then... Saturday night was awesome! Once again Mercury delivered, in particular sound man extraordinaire Jethro and the ever brilliant Kevin on lighting duty. Thanks guys. And of course Lux for looking after all the bands so well. We really are spoiled. To everyone who was there, what a night of amazing performances, eh!

I can't really speak from an unbiased point of view when it comes to SUBVERS, all I can tell you is we had a great time. My august and revered opinion on all things musical however, has a little something to say about the 2 acts who shared the stage with us.

First up, OH, CRUEL FATE. Bubbling with excitement at the prospect of their first show on a "proper stage", the delivered a devilish, delightful set. It truly was "stand there with your mouth open in wide eyed wonder" type stuff... Fronting a group of seasoned musicians who created awesome old-school creepy indulgence, Dani Diamond was an utter revelation! Her vocal prowess is going to carry her far and if she keeps this group around her, there is no doubt that they will very quickly get noticed and enjoy absolutely rabid adulation.

BLACK MOSCOW is a completely different animal. Combining a subtle, understated style with the occasional eruption of emotion-driven bombast, they weave a delicate and intricate web of sonic sorcery. Clearly all particularly accomplished musicians, they form a formidable prospect - the Incubus to OH, CRUEL FATE's Succubus, if you will...

Well, if you can handle the rather forced goth reference.

I have precious little else on which I can report. Contrary to the general status quo, nothing particularly hysterical has happened to me or mine of late. Work - much to my chagrin and everyone else's eternal amusement - is a dreary well of frustration and I find that I'm permanently on the point of homicide. I use that as a convenient excuse to drink as much as I do.

In conclusion, if you fell for any one of the hundreds of silly pranks or any of the misinformation that flooded the internet today, consider yourself punk'd. The saddest thing about that show was the realisation that you got bested by Michael from 'That 70s Show'. Mind you, he did get to diddle Mila Kounis.

I'll leave now before it gets any more unbearably contrived.

Spread The Love. It's Nights Like These I Am Glad I'm Not A Parent.

Friday, March 27, 2015

SEX & BOOZE & GOTH'n'ROLL...



Today's post is NOT about how fucked up the world is. Despite all the negativity we face on a daily basis... Actually, we're assaulted by a barrage of unwanted information every waking seconds of your miserable, inconsequential little lives. But today is not about JuJu, Steve, pooh, Zuma, ESKOM, The Po'tears, xenophobia, the state of worldwide education, the petrol price or even the orchestrated genocide The Oval Orifice thinks they're getting with.

No, today NOTHING can get us down. It's Friday. The weather is glorious. Actually, to quote one of my favourite movies "The weather outside is weather..."
We're a few short hours away from the weekend - the shackles of the work week magically evaporating - and that first, second and third well deserved cold beer.

And I get to do the thing I love the most...

Well, the thing I love doing the most in public. I get to lose my mind, my heart and my self on a great big stage and bring the music to the people! Well, it's not just me, obviously. If you ever heard me sing, you'd scamper for the hills and bury your head in the nearest ant colony where you'd be damned to an eternity of Courtney Love minus autotune. But I do like to play the guitar and hide behind my hair.

Tomorrow night Mercury once again plays host to SUBVERS for another stellar show. Joining us on the night - and bringing with them a distinctly darker atmosphere - are the delightfully creepy OH, CRUEL FATE and the dense, moody, and intricate innovation of BLACK MOSCOW. If ever there was a night to bust out the black, then this spooky spectacular is it!

DJ Reanimator will be filling in the blanks with his famous dancefloor killers so dust off the Docs and come let your hair down for a night of grandiose gothy goodness. And bring clean panties...

For your enjoyment, here is a little teaser. A track from each of the bands...

SUBVERS - Flatline
BLACK MOSCOW - Heresy
OH, CRUEL FATE - Creep Factory

For full event details, click here.

Oh yes. And then there's the small matter of not getting any sleep before the great battle of the Antipodes over some or other trophy no one in the cricket world cares about anymore...

Spread The Love. "It's A Cruel Seduction."