Friday, June 20, 2014


Earl in his underwear. If only that was Nadine Velasquez...

Today is a Friday of opposing emotions.
On the one hand, it' FRIDAY, the end of yet another week in our eternal trudge graveward. We can throw off the yoke of our oppressors and get shitfaced. Coupled with the fact that I am on leave from 5pm, it should be reason to celebrate and dance the streets naked!
Today also marks the end of what has become an institution among the hairy heathens collectively known as the Cape Town Metalheads. And rockers. And punks. And all manner of musical miscreant. Bryan O'Pines DJs his last show on Ozone tonight. It's a sad day. Your dulcet tones will be missed floating out to us over the ether, Bryan. And that is the second best pseudonym EVER!
He'll be speaking to The Summer Underground, who are launching their 'Damage Done' album tomorrow night at Mercury. If you're into Rock'n'Roll with more balls than the World Cup, then this is just your cup of Jack Daniels. I'll be there, pinting, pissing and pushing my opinion down the throat of anyone within earshot!

And speaking of birthing raunchy sweat drenched screaming demons, The Flaming DeVilles have just released their debut EP - Once Burnt... Twice Shy. Go and give this a listen if you dare...

In keeping with the trend, Witchdoctor Productions have announced Wildernessking and Theatre Runs Red as the (very deserving) support acts for Behemoth and Konkhra when they tour South Africa later this year. I wouldn't miss that for the world!

And yes, I have been keeping up with the World Cup. Every day. I have watched almost every match and I'm still not tired. I can tell you who is though. England. They looked as if they were on the set of Lord Of The Rings shortly after Saruman blessed his mutated warriors with his white hand paint. And Spain? That was a bit of a shock...

But before I head off into the forced oblivion of holidays and being offline, I need to tell you about this friend of mine. He single-handedly organised a charity event for the animals at the Lucky Lucy Foundation - brilliantly named INFURNO - and it was a roaring success. My heartfelt congratulations and everyone's immense gratitude for such a wonderful deed and indeed, wonderful event. My report can be found on Monday at Metal4Africa.

And that's me. I'm going to be taking a few days to recharge the old batteries. In a faraway little beach resort. Alone with The Hot Girlfriend. And no TV. Luckily I believe there are pubs nearby so I don't miss any important matches. Don't miss me too much. I certainly won't miss you scruffy lot.

NGDG: The bergie in Unit 1, during trustee nominations: "Oh yes, my dears. I'm coming in this year. I'm up to here and I'm coming to cause hell." Me: "you cause enough hell already and you're in arrears on your levies so I don't second the nomination and I veto anyone who does, not that a second makes any difference to your de facto ineligibility." Bergie: "it's R1500 which I will pay tomorrow." Me: "I don't care if it's one cent and you pay it now. You're not eligible. Capice?" (Italian is always a nice touch).

Spread The Love. Oranje Boven!

Friday, June 13, 2014


Here, let me help you with those puppies...

Hahaha! Tricked you! Happy Friday the 13th! This post is really about

If you've been living under a rock, or have been in some sort of coma, or if you don't have Faeceboobs, then you have, up til now, been allowed to be unaware of this magnificent event. The good people (well, CevinOffKey) have (has?) been working tirelessly to put on an epic show in aid of raising funds for the Lucky Lucy Foundation, an animal welfare operation desperately in need of help as they are being evicted from their premises.

Even if it wasn't one of the most magnanimous manoeuvres ever (manoeuvre? More like a gesture...), you'd want to go! Look at that line up! If it doesn't kill you it'll make you stronger? I don't know hey! It'll probably kill you! Imagine the aural equivalent of being trampled to death by an angry mob of Mammoths and enjoying the experience. The bands on show tomorrow are contributing to this wonderful night their talent and time and should be appreciated for their effort. The impressive list of companies and individuals who have donated prizes should be heralded to the heavens.

Get ready to be rocked to your very core by the tuneful delights served up by Megalodon, With Dawn, Bulletscript, Arc Reactor and Peasant. If you can't find something in that awesome line up to get your juices flowing, you're deaf, blind, stupid or all of the above!
Not only that, you can win all sorts of paraphernalia with which to further enrich your "alternative" lifestyle.
There's even a copy of the new Terminatryx cd, 'Shadow' up for grabs!

I've done this before. Before you assume I'm looking to cash in on the great work done here, I'm not. I'm merely attempting to illustrate that I know what I'm talking about when I tell you that this is no mean feat. It is exceptionally hard work putting something like this on and I take my hat off to Kevin for the many, many hours I know he has put into this. I hope that the event itself makes your toil worthwhile. I will be there, enjoying the live music and keeping Antonio's dream of owning a small island one day alive.

So, to every bleeding heart out there in internetland who has ever posted a picture of a puppy looking for a "furever" home, to every mildly moronic maladroit who has ever shared a link of a cute kitten doing something heartwarming, to every slacktivist who has ever plastered our online walls with gruesome pictures of intolerable abuse, to every so called aficionado who ever had an opinion on anything and everything related to heavy metal music - NOW is your chance to put your money where your mouth is. Or rather where the mouths of those who can't talk for themselves are.

Bring a blanket, bring food, bring a toy, bring a friend, but most importantly, bring yourself. You deserve it. They deserve it even more!

NGDG: I gave a vagrant a pair of sunglasses yesterday. He danced, we threw gang signs at each out, I hooted as I drove off. I hope he didn't get stabbed later for having nice things.

Spread The Love. For The Puppies!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014


It's not often I'm sufficiently moved to dedicate an entire post to one thing, particularly if that one thing is a singular song or a music video - over before you know it - blink of an eye type stuff...
It is, however, completely in keeping with my entire being to gush like a lovestruck tweenage girl when it comes to The Sleepers. In the realms of sonic alchemy, no one comes close.
Sure, there are more raunchy, rocking or even radio friendly bands out there, but no one can do what The Sleepers do. They brew a heady mixture of meandering melancholy and explosive musical hedonism which I find impossible to resist. Everything they produce is awash with circumspect intent and critical invention, layering and tinkering until the listener is entirely enveloped, and eventually set upon a never ending wave of blistering and immense music that transcends mere mortality.

...And they have a new music video. It comes with a new song, which I believe has a few friends primed for imminent release. I was lucky enough to be invited to check out this new video over the weekend, but had to pinkie-swear not to let the cat out of the bag before they officially release it. Sitting down with what I can only assume was "artisanal" coffee and keeping my mind wide open, I settles into the video for 'Mine'.

It is, in a word, stunning. The artistic vision to bring something like this into this world can only be attributed to a moment of (or enduring) genius. It's bleak in its beauty. It's eerily engaging. A series of black and white shots meld into each other creating a dystopian, harrowing, angular landscape in which the viewer finds little comfort. You're drawn in against your will and find yourself utterly immersed and intrigued. The song itself is at once delicate and fragile, and artfully turbulent, and monumental, and the end chorus could level mountains...

There is no traditional narrative.
There is just the visual representation of the simple complexity that is The Sleepers.

And it is a masterpiece.

Spread The Love. Like Water On White Cotton.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


South Africa has a rich and diverse history. Everyone knows about the political turmoil that choked our future for so long.
Then came the new dispensation, bringing with it a landslide of nepotism, corruption, violent crime and an ineptokracy that threatens to suffocate the very people it is intended to serve. Or at least provide a glimmer of hope at a better life. Apparently all the poor, cold, hungry, uneducated masses require is a few silly name changes. Streets, institutions, memorials, entire fucking towns and provinces, whatever. But now the buffoon driven gravy train has gone one step too far. If the proposed change to "Devil's Peak" is actually allowed to go through, I will personally find those responsible and verbally abuse them until their very souls are so tarnished, no amount of prayer or redemption will ever be enough for them to see the Pearly Gates! Give me 4 "Hail Marys" and a great big "Fuck Off!"

But we also have a wonderful and culturally unique history in the arts. And as one of the arts, music stands out as one of the most successful at having embraced enforced differences and united the people of this land. Even more specifically, the musical underground of this country, whilst never really reaching commercial success because of years of imposed isolation, has blossomed into a serious force to be reckoned with. Our DIY attitude has birthed many a classic/cult band. Our metal fraternity has always been one to present a united front (nevermind localised petty squabbling) and as torch bearers of the metal hordes (I use the term 'hordes' with as much irony as I can muster...) VOD are not only what most consider the Godfathers of SA Metal, but also the most qualified to comment on it - as Francois Blom so eloquently cried "Julle almal se poes!"

For years we yearned for the laundry list of elusive bands to visit our shores. Some of us fortunate enough to be able to travel regaled others with stories of seeing bands in Europe or elsewhere. The internet made the yearning even stronger as we were exposed to more and more. Here and there brave souls literally risked infernal bankruptcy to attempt bringing international bands to our shores. Some succeeded, some failed. The common denominator was always the public. From the same camp of poorly attended shows came the laments and anguished wails of "It's too expensive!", "Why do I have to travel?" and "They're has beens!" And while the rest of us were enjoying the fruits of these brave souls' thankless labour, the dissent was never far behind.

Ever willing to nitpick and poke holes, but never willing to make the sacrifice themselves, there will always be the naysayers. They've always been around. I'm sure they exist in every walk of life. Pessimism is a part of the human condition. Unfortunately I have to experience it in full HD on the fucking internet now. It's all pervasive! And don't get me started on the sorry souls who haven't ventured out of the dark half-light of their bedrooms in years that now all of a sudden have messiah complexes because people they don't know are excited about a band they called eternal dibs on!

Exceptional deeds were never achieved without risk. Be glad the risk is not your own and someone else has chosen to take it upon themselves. Were it not for them, the topic of discussion today would have been "Why does no one ever do anything for us poor fucking metal heads... Oh the humanity!... Oh the awful neglect!"

Roll up your sleeves and politely inquire "How can I help make this the reality everyone hopes it'll be?"

Francois Blom, jy is n fokken visionary.

Take this wee rant for what it is. If it causes offence, then so be it. Perhaps it'll help in the long run.

NGDG: ANC members of parliament have blamed the fattening catering in Pretoria for their astounding obesity. Perhaps Apartheid as an excuse has mileage, but not enough calories.

Spread The Love. Deep Down You Know You Want To.

Friday, June 6, 2014


A well placed foot could kickstart any fetish.

I only blog because The Hot Girlfriend won't allow me to grow an ironic beard. I maintain it's because it will make me look like a proper viking, therefore making me entirely irresistible to ALL of the ladies, but she says it pricks when I kiss her. And I like kissing her, so I go through the maddened rage of shaving once a week. It's an ongoing inner turmoil, and a struggle for acceptance in my local hood. I heart Woodstock...

Well, I do. GetWine has just opened a branch right by my house.

Getting back to why I do this... I dabble in lots of things. I'm told I have a curious mind. If you look curious up in the dictionary, you will discover that it has 2 meanings: 'inquisitive' and 'peculiar'. Your choice. Anyway, sometimes things stick, so essentially my mind is more like fly paper than anything else. And equally dirty.
It all started with a night out and wine. Naturally. As alluded to above, I quite dislike being lumped in with all the hipsters and other nefarious unmentionables that populate the blogosphere. I was rather averse to the whole idea to begin with. But my good friend and fellow mischief maker, Tarty Farty Tequila Party was adamant she would become a blogger and regale the world with extravagant tales of her misadventures as she bounces through life, assaulting whichever situation she encounters with the sheer force of her smile and infectiously upbeat outlook. But needed a little encouragement.
Up steps Mister-Knight-In-Shining-Armour-Who-Is-Already-Under-Full-Sail-Never-Mind-A-Few-Too-Many-Sheets-To-The-Wind and quite naturally says something along the lines of "Sounds like a lark. I'll start one, so you don't have to do it alone"

Then I realised that I could be as vocal as I wanted to on my very own virtual soapbox and no one could bitch me out for my opinion or interrupting them or speaking loudly and with conviction, as so often happens in real life. And I kinda liked it. (In this regard, I am very much on the same page as Katy Perry. See above.)

I went on to specialise in conning readers into clicking on my posts and reading the puerile brain farts devoid of any worthwhile content by enticing them with erotic pictures that objectify women. Occasionally I slip in a serious piece or advertise some important event just to keep you from deleting me altogether, thereby rendering me internet-moot, which is a fate worse than debt and one for which I am ill-prepared. My rampant narcissism would force my physical being to implode and my soul to leak through the cheap laminate flooring.

Are you still reading?

Before I sign off and bid you adieu in the run up to another weekend, I'll leave you with this: Tarty Farty Tequila Party has yet to produce her very, very, very, very, very long awaited list of attributes the female of the species finds attractive in us poor men. I'm sure that with a little cajoling we can make it a long overdue reality. I think a bit of cybernagging is called for, what say you?

Go forth and be irreverent!

NGDG: Spare change. Now spare thoughts. These homeless really are demanding.

Spread The Love. Give Something To Alleviate The Plight Of The Homeless In This Awful Weather.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014


"With great age, comes great responsibility..." That, despite what Chocolaty might think, is the closest I'll ever get to Spiderman. Creepy little bastard. Jizzing out of his wrists... I mean, come on!

They made me wear an inflatable crown. You know what they say... King for a day, fool for a lifetime? At least my sister didn't get around to the embarrassing slide show of pictures from my formative years. The horror! In full HD on 3 big screens probably would have sent the gathered masses hurtling back out into the pissing rain, clawing at their retinas!
As it was, my party was, in the words of Borat, a great success. The venue was amazing. I cannot thank Lisel and Kevin and Co of Mercury enough for their kindness and generosity. And speaking of, to every single one of you dear, daft and dastardly bastards that made it out to share the evening with me - my deepest and eternal gratitude. I can only imagine the temptation to stay in, faced with the full ferocity of Cape Town's winter. My Brother-In-Awe even ran home and back in the slanting storm to fetch a cable I forgot to pack so that we could have music! And what a selection of music it was!
Judging by the bruises on my shins and one or 2 pictures I've seen, apparently I had an amazing time, even breaking my self imposed rule of not dancing in public! (I dance in my kitchen all the time, while singing along to The Cure. No prying eyes...)
Shots flowed!
But I kept up!
I am starting to suspect that my friends' generosity had less to do with their collective concern for me having a good time and more to do with seeing when I'd succumb to the evils of intoxication. Well, I'm thrilled to announce that I almost didn't fall over. And I was having the best time! Even with my crown jammed upside down under my chin...
This, remember, after the night before, when the Malcoholocaust got started for real at my Brother In Awe's birthday party. It was nice seeing some old faces make a reappearance!

Needless to report that Sunday lunch with the folks was a slightly more sedate affair...

Anyway, this is really just a huge shout out to everyone who made me feel special on my birthday. It was a hell of an occasion and you all made it one I shall forever remember and cherish. Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to post a message, sms me, call me, come out in the cold and wet to celebrate with me, all the thoughtful gifts - you all mean the world to me. And getting soppy is a rite of passage at this ripe old age, so suck it.

NGDG: It is 9 o' clock and I've written the Trustee's report for the AGM (singe-handedly because the other trustees are just puppets). As Chairman Mao of the Body Corporate, I don't care much for the people. If I could set them to work in the fields I would. Instead I'll open the floor for a cosmetic 5 minutes and propose no levy increase. Then leave the real work to the agency. Just like communism.

Spread The Love. The Love Of Life!