Monday, July 28, 2014
Here's why I love Faecesboobs:
I get to post inane, below-par and below-the-belt quips which fall woefully short of actual humour in retaliation to everyone else posting pictures of their offspring or food. I suppose it's better than the opposite, which would be dick picks and pooh. It's a cause and effect type of argument.
Click "like" if you think you even vaguely got that...
Another reason is that I get to be an obnoxiously obtuse bastard. A lot of people go along with it, either in some sort of head shaking sympathy, or a vain attempt to pretend that it didn't fly a mile over their wanly smiling bobble-heads. The few that get it, do. And to those people I say thank you.
It feeds my rampant narcissism as well. I get to post pictures of my too-fabulous-to-believe lifestyle and everyone believes I cavort around having the best time ever with all my Motley Crüe friends. Judicious editing has been so far ingrained that you probably wouldn't believe it if I told you the truth about my largely uneventful life. Even admitting to an uneventful life is going to be read by dozens of people. Bless you all. If I'd said hundreds that would have been okay too...
The truth is that it provides not only a platform from which I can self promote my opinions, and by extension, my music, but it also serves to alleviate the crushing boredom of an office job. It's like the world's most interactive ant farm. Watching all the little people scurry about trying their best to be noticed in among an avalanche of selfies and pseudo-motivational quotes. And the hypocrites! Oh, the hypocrites! Too much cleavage - pouting attention whore! Too little - let's scrutinise her spelling! Don't dress the part but insist on making hard and heavy music - you're liable to be labelled a "stink hair hypester" (I'm not making this up!) The alternative of course is to dress the part and make shit music or no music whatsoever. The worst are those ever-so-hardcore juvenile delinquents with no money who rely on their clothing to make a bold statement about how terrifyingly Trve Kvlt they are. Although I empathise, rubbish bags have never been an adequate substitute for proper PVC. And even then you're in danger of looking like a twat.
Speaking of! I will be donning my Amazing Shiny Pants Of Toightness for your viewing pleasure when next AXXON takes to the stage. I have a new guitar to show you all courtesy of Jackson and Paul Bothner Music! You don't want to miss this opportunity to have your face and ears thoroughly sexed by our particular brand of intense, insanity-infused industrial.
But the main reason.. the very main reason I so love Facebook is the complete and utter self-contained self absorption it not only encourages, but embodies. I say and do as I please. And the irony is that only my nearest and dearest DO get it. And who cares about the rest, right? My highly refined music taste? Only those who share my pompous predilections would agree. Obviously. Everyone else sees me as a show off and a know it all. Which is probably the only scenario in which your interpretation of my online demeanour is in any way remotely accurate.
I'm going running. It's been months, but it's a beautiful day out and I don't feel like sitting here for too much longer - cooped up and glued to the fluorescent glow of a million people updating their stupid fucking statuses.
NGDG: I came very close to having an accident on Jan Smuts Avenue this morning. Thank heavens for the Colony Arm's public toilets.
Spread The Love. The World Needs It More Than Your Instagram.
Friday, July 25, 2014
A sphincter says "what?"
...leaves you with "shit". As in just plain ol' shit. Not THE shit. Just shit. A term I am inclined to use when describing a certain online retailer today.
So you go online, as you do - tra la la...
You finally find the item your heart desires (or rather the thing you're buying your significant other for their upcoming birthday) after a millionty hours because, you know, you're so fucking special that these things are simply not available at the arse end of Africa.
You gleefully click buy and get almost instantaneous confirmation emails. Wünderbar! Shopping made easy.
Then, because a certain online retailer outsources, you get a follow up email informing you that third party retailer does, in fact, not ship to Afrique De Sud. Oh deary deary me. But assurances are given that therefore no transaction has taken place and your account has not been bled dry to the point of containing nothing more that dust.
According to their ever-so-fucking-helpful instruction you amend the shipping address and re-order. This time, however, because you're now pissed off with them, you order only the item for your better half and leave out the impulse buy you had originally included for yourself.
Once again you click buy, having ascertained that, yes, they most definitely ship to Europe and safe in the knowledge that you have organised the gift's safe passage from there, home.
But hark! What yonder fuck up this way stalks!
"We're having trouble processing your transaction, yada, yada, yada..."
On a hunch, you go into your online banking and lo and behold, the original amount sits perched there in the debit column like a belligerent step child goading you with its beady soulless little fucking eyes.
All attempts - all very succinctly laid out in the most detailed explanation - have yet to be met by a response other than "We're having trouble processing your transaction, we're going to try again in a bit, yada, yada, yada..."
Do you know how much the bank charges you when someone attempts to extract money from an account with insufficient funds. There goes my unborn child's fucking college fund.
I need a drink.
See? It's SHIT.
NGDG: Just checking into Facebook for my daily dose of hypocrisy, outrage, and baby pics.
Spread The Love. Shit Just Got Real.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
"Come on! What's the safe word?"
"Fuck you! I am NOT saying 'NickelbackRocks'!"
Fetish Schmetish. It's only considered abnormal when she doesn't go along with it.
In fact, if the NG Kerk looks down on it, it is probably something worth trying.
I'm sure somewhere in the sacred texts, there exists some passage that translates to something like "exercise restraint".
And now, as promised, something completely different...
Is it considered OCD to try and eat neatly? Or for that matter, anything to do with food - be it preparation or mastication. You wouldn't want to stare into the gaping maw of some mouth breather chewing away frantically while verbally remonstrating the varied virtues of whatever is trending on Twitter this week any more than you'd like opening the lid of the margarine to find it mangled so badly you imagine Freddie Kruger and Edward Scissorhands had been playing thumb wars in there...
Yes. That just happened. At work. Further investigation led to the conclusion that a sharp knife was indeed used in the excavation - and therefore I assume, application - of said spread. It's so wrong! That's like drinking wine from a ceramic coffee mug when concealment isn't an issue. Please tell me I'm not alone in being mildly freaked out by such unrefined behaviour!
And how do I turn the spell check on this damn blog to English English? Fuckin 'Murica and its wholly dumbed down everything... Mind you, can't blame them. They've successfully managed to manipulate mass media to the extent where all the dumbfuck barely-literates they've created actually believe their foreign agenda.
Anyway, onto news of a more positive bent. Tonight I attempt the most extravagant dinner club yet. With any luck, my
And then it's the end of yet another dreary ol' week. Let's hope tomorrow isn't Food-Poisoning Friday. Last Friday our staff went to do their 67 minutes of guilt induced charity work. As usual, we did our thing for the animals, volunteering at the Animal Rescue Organisation in Ottery. My contribution was limited to getting high as fuck stuck painting the inside walls of a very confined - and poorly ventilated - waiting room toilet. At least I got to coo at one puppy. Let me tell you, the Day Of The Hound fast approaches. Does anyone know where one can sell one's soul online?
NGDG: The reason women can't park is that they've been lied to their whole adult life about how long six inches really are.
Spread The Love. All Six Inches. Around!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Peek... and tweak.
So lets' start at the very beginning. I believe it's a very good place to start. Them hills and all...
You may have missed my misanthropic musings for the last week or so. It really isn't that I don't want to speak to you, it's just that I'm lazy. Like a Vaseline covered sloth. No, actually it could be you. It's not me, it's definitely you.
Let's go back to last Friday, a night of nights! Mercury hosted the curious combination of SUBVERS, THE SLEEPERS and OHGOD! All in all, I'd have to declare the evening's entertainment a wholesale success. Not only were the punters purring with delight, but I'm pretty damn sure the bands were having a whale of a time as well. Speaking for myself, I had a wonderful time! Starting off proceedings, OHGOD! were a revelation! Their enthusiastic, eclectic, energetic performance was something to behold! They rocked out, delivering their scruffy elegance with the exuberance of recently freed circus animals! The shit-eating grins washed over the gaping, wide-eyed faces of everyone in the club served as an accurate enough barometer. I'm pretty sure a few pants in the audience tightened.
Next up SUBVERS had a great time playing their pseudo-spooky stomp metal to a very receptive crowd, who seemed to really get into our goth laced grandeur. Well, as far as I could see, from behind my curtain of flailing hair and sweaty enjoyment. Once again, an extra special thanks to our dear friend McSkootnik, who ably stepped into some pretty large shoes to help us out on drums. You are a demon and a darling.
Then it was the turn of THE SLEEPERS to mesmerise all and sundry. As usual, I was enraptured by their slick, scintillating, sublime set. You daren't move from your spot when they weave their sonic magic, lest you miss even one perfectly poised note, phrase or moment. That good? Even better. They continue to defy belief.
Once again, the terrific folks at Mercury are to be commended for running such an awesome venue. Lisel and Kevin and Lux - we love you guys! And the sound and lighting crew are out of this world! Sydney - you too, mate!
Staying with the theme of live music, we move swiftly on to Witchdoctor Productions, who brought KATAKLYSM to SA from Canada, and SACRAPHYX out of retirement. I didn't really get to see much of the opening band, BLEEDING SPAWN, but I can tell you they are very into what they do. Very intense, these lads.
SUIDERBEES was the first of the Cape Town contingent and apparently took great pleasure in gleefully slaughtering the awe-struck acolytes mushed together in front of them. Their brand of symphonic death metal is a juggernaut of infernal intensity that doesn't for one second ease off. Just what the (witch)doctor ordered!
Then it was time for me to get really excited!
SACRAPHYX, along with one or two other luminaries, have long been considered, by this not-so-humble scribe and everyone else who matters, to be one of South African metal's greatest success stories. Perhaps not in terms of financial gain or worldwide acclaim, but certainly the level of reverence they attained. Their legacy lives on and they command respect across the board - a fact amply backed up by their no nonsense, thunderous return to stage after a decade's absence. And pulling off their particular flavour of technical death metal after only 2 rehearsals is no mean feat either! The crowd went fucking ballistic! I had the foresight to get in early so I had a front barricade on which to anchor myself and enjoy the show up close. It was a source of immense personal pleasure and pride to watch old friends once again tearing up a stage (and a crowd) together. New arseholes for the whole of Cape Town!
Then came KATAKLYSM. I don't know where the masses got another surge of energy, but the explosion of entangled bodies that greeted the sheer brutal shockwave as they hit the stage was nothing short of staggering. And it simply didn't let up. The ultimate professionals, these guys were engaging and unstoppable. What a wonderful event and what an incredible time was had by all! Bravo to all involved, especially the guys at Witchdoctor - SP and UpsideDownDonKing - can't wait for SEPULTURA, BEHEMOTH & KONKHRA!
NGDG: We need a word for that feeling you get in a queue at a bar when you really want to dance but there are too many men's crotches in close proximity to want to anymore.
Spread The Love. Because Boobies! Fuck Yeah!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
As if you didn't already know...SUBVERS IS PLAYING AGAIN! As if that wasn't enough to send you whooping down the street, they will be joined by the awe-inspiring aural architects THE SLEEPERS and new darlings, the devilishly delightful OHGOD!
It is no secret I am an avid admirer of The Sleepers. In fact I have taken just about every opportunity to scream it from the rooftops. Their mastery of their craft is nothing short of breath-taking. I have spent many, many gigs happily transfixed by their mesmerising musical majesty. I can honestly count them as one of my all time favourite bands, local or otherwise. And I consider it a personal milestone to be sharing a stage with these incredible innovators - a dream come true.
Which brings me to Ohgod! New to my radar, but having been around in different incarnations over the years, they are quickly forging a path to greatness, with their intelligent, eclectic brand of pseudo-instrumental progressive rock. It's hard to pigeon-hole, so I'll let you decide.
The indefatigably enthusiastic Bryan O'Pines is quoted, upon experiencing SUBVERS for the first time - earlier this year at Metal4Africa's Summerfest, as follows:
"SUBVERS followed Rukuz on stage and, as the afternoon disappeared into the night, this quartet from the dark side ushered away the light. With a sound somewhat reminiscent of Type O Negative or Rammstein on 'roids, they immediately hit the spot for me."
"Their atmospheric, gothic darkness was wonderful; this is a band that will hopefully be involved in The Awakening tour somehow, and will be making far more regular appearances on the local scene. I have not heard anywhere near enough of them!"
'Nuff said, I reckon. Kind words indeed. Thank you. If that sounds like your particular brand of poison, please join us at Mercury on Friday for a night jam packed with wild eyed wonder.
Also, as it happens, we've planned it so that it very neatly doesn't interfere with the climax of the Football World Cup. Yes! You'll be climaxing enough on the night!
Hope to see all your black little souls there! Especially all the online scene warriors who have recently made such a public fuss over supporting local music, etc.
Ticket competition details.
And an extra special happy happy birthday to the one and only Cheese today! Have a wonderful day!
But wait! There's more. Valkyrie - hope you're having a fantastic day! Miss you and love you! Happy birthday!
NGDG: There's a moral dilemma when you see two salivating singles in the corner of the bar looking at the bachelors party and you should tell them that the only still-single member is the very drunk groom.
Spread The Love. We're All Martyrs To Her Will.
Little bow peep...
As it has always been, if you're after a good hard pomp, make sure that unruly hedge is at least trimmed. Or like Mr Miyagi and I both agree, "Wax on, wax off"...
Unfortunately Luiz, Dante and Marcello didn't read the memo as the Selecao got the full "back, crack 'n' sack" last night. Or did they purposely glue the sweepings of every beauty parlour in Sao Paulo to their heads? Either way, it cost them dearly, as the well organised machine of the Mannschaft marched on, leaving the host nation in a humiliated heap of sack cloth and ashes. It doesn't bode well for the Dutch, should they advance at the expense of Argentina tonight.
I could hardly believe what I was seeing. I don't think there has been such a hammering in a semi-final of a World Cup ever. Let's hope that tonight's game sees the Netherlands - with their graceful, balletic brand of football - prevail. I don't need a a wünder-drubbing; a nail biting win by one goal will do thank you very much. I'm even wearing my bright orange Holland football shirt, my bright orange Holland armband, and my bright orange Holland underpants! If that's not enough, then I don't know!
Hup Holland Hup!
Anyway, favourable outcome or not tonight, I have enjoyed this World Cup tremendously. Once again, it has dished up its fair share of drama and delight.
NGDG: "What did you do that for?" asked Paulo Coelho, after being punched in the face for no reason. Because sometimes things happen for no reason and you end up asking the wrong questions of life.
Spread The Love. Fun And Sunshine, There's Enough For Everyone.
Monday, July 7, 2014
A far cry from flowing white cotton robes...
Yoko Ono is still alive. Much to the chagrin of whoever it was that took John Lennon out and everyone else on the planet. She "performed" at Glastonbury recently. Somehow... somewhere... someone saw fit to allow her to assail our senses with her grotesque warbling.
So, it may be the long way of doing things, but I finally cracked the "how to" of getting booked to play at large, world-renowned festivals:
- Break up arguably the best song writing collaboration of modern music.
- Turn one half of above mentioned collaboration into a flea-bitten, moth-eaten, lice-infested hippy messiah.
- Visit the local eatery run by your family and study the sound made by cats when they're skinned alive.
No need for all this fancy "musicianship" or "having a good voice" or being able to "write a song". To quote another astute observer of the phenomenon "Some artists use the medium of feces to express themselves on canvas. She is the musical equivalent thereof." If I was the booking agent for Glastonbury, I'd find the nearest clogged up porta-loo, sit down and - sobbing - write a heartfelt apology to humankind and post it across all social media, before shoving my head into the overflowing septic melange oozing up from the toilet bowl until I choked to death. You deserve no less than that which you have inflicted upon all of us. If I had a Delorean, as much as I dislike John Lennon, I'd go back to 1980 and rugby tackle him out of the way in time if it meant that the gunman managed to get his intended target...
Anyway, onto happier news. The World Cup Finals, other than miraculously turning everyone into an expert on the game, have yielded the semis I predicted. But wait! There's more! With any luck the dream final between The Netherlands and Germany could still happen. As condemn-able as Neymar's kuif is, I feel truly terrible for the guy, having had such a good tournament and now having to suffer the fate of watching from the sidelines due to an unfortunate incident which was entirely unnecessary. With him out, I doubt Brasil will have what it takes to overcome Germany. And with Di Maria missing from Argentina's semi, the Dutch should prevail, gravity notwithstanding. Actually, I wouldn't mind a Netherlands vs Brasil final either. The atmosphere would be amazing.
What did I do this weekend? You don't want to hear my report. Except to tell you I almost caught the bouquet. If there had been one...
NGDG: A love poem for Kendall Jones
We have thousands of lion, leopards, buck too,
On film or the park down the R512.
But nude pics of you I can't find for shit,
Can't feel on my palms your cheerleader's tits.
Young Kendall Jones, when next you come hunt,
please can I come, sheath my gun in your... handbag.
Spread The Love. Imagine...
Friday, July 4, 2014
Yes, you CAN!
'Murica. Where would we be without you?
Oh yes that's right. We wouldn't have drone bombing of innocent civilians. We wouldn't have farcical invasions of foreign countries under the guise of peace keeping. We wouldn't have the Kardashians. At least Colorado is cool...
But enough of my star-spangled vitriol. Every country - and especially mine - has a past littered with atrocities. It's just human nature to gloat at the fall of an empire, even if it's not happening fast enough.
On to more relevant news... Last night The Hot Girlfriend and I were treated to a truly wonderful evening of dinner and catching up with Large Ulrich and his better half, Double Hockey Sticks. Not only that, but the grand handing over ceremony was also acted out and I have a laundry list of some of my closest friends to thanks for a magnificent gift. I will do so in person. The rest of you need just realise that I have the best fucking friends in the world and I am truly blessed.
Like I said, every country has its history of doing kak stuff. And tonight, Germany take on France. Thank Heaven, Hell & Hallmark it's on a football pitch. I will be rooting for the Mannschaft because I am hoping for a Germany vs Netherlands final.
And then after that it's time to celebrate the birthdays (and return of) one Biggie and one Higgo. Thus the birth of Biggo Fest! I'm looking forward to it! It's at an archery club. We're not allowed to bring our own bow'n'arrows, but I think I'd be missing a trick if I didn't at least bring some Crossbow Ciders, drink them, get drunk, and make an attempt at throwing the broken bottles at the targets. I am, after all about to play another gig and hand injuries are par for the course.
More than that, I cannot tell you.
Enjoy Irreverent Friday...
Imagine Tom Cruising around in his wheelchair. Happy 4th of July.
NGDG: I've been looking forward all day to tonight's body corporate trustee meeting. Sitting in a cold outhouse to discuss a wall trumps anything I could've planned on my own.
Don't hate 'Murica. Hate everybody. But...
Spread The Love. Punch An Alien.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Sin zones?...An ad lending credence to the notion
that religious nuts are all a bunch of wankers.
What if you used a clever euphemism for wanking? Would that make self pleasure more acceptable? I suppose there would be thousands of those. I'm sure you're all pretty familiar with the myriad alternate phrases coined around self gratification, but I am referring in particular to "A little me time"...
Oh no! That could be taken one of two ways. Keep reading...
No, tonight is a night I have earmarked for the ultimate experience. Erm...
You know how they keeping trying to bang the concept of delayed gratification into your skull at Sunday School? Well, it finally paid off. I have not had the opportunity to be alone with myself of an evening for so long now, I'm starting to lose my mind. And then there's been all this distracting football and band practice. Well, folks, tonight is the night! Tonight I pour myself a glass of classy red wine and allow Mr Gira to transport my soul through the wonderful medium of laser, copper wiring and superior speakers.
I'm going to listen to my new Swans double CD.
For the first time.
I'm more excited than the combined cast of American Pie on Prom Night and a nascent Madonna. And then I'm going to listen to it again. And then I'm going to watch the DVD. And then I'm going to watch it again. The entire planet (with the exception of EverybodyLovesBacon) has been going bonkers over this album. The biggest fan of the band that I know has, very daringly, declared it as his favourite album of theirs, usurping the long standing Children Of God. Them's fightin' words! It even got me thinking and although I have also in the past declared Children Of God to be 'The One', I keep finding myself sliding back to White Light From The Mouth Of Infinity - if I allow myself some honest introspection I'd probably point to the inclusion of 'Better Than You' combined with my unchecked narcissism as the tie breaker. Anyway, can you imagine the inner turmoil and temptation!
And if my walls are not dripping with jizz - metaphorical or not - after tonight, then tomorrow they are very likely to be anyway. I'm taking a little drive out to for'n parts to collect my new Anathema Deluxe Edition Super Duper Oh My Fuck Is This Really Happening It's So Warm Inside Your Mouth Wah Wah Wee Wah Whoooh! 3CD Party Pack. Rinse, repeat...
And then it's semis time. You may make of that what you fancy as well...
I hope your evening is even a 10th as enjoyable as mine is going to be. And no, I am not dressing for the occasion. I won't be wearing my ratty Swans shirt or digging out the old Docs for a more authentic experience. I'll most likely be sitting in my ugly green sweatpants and sheepskin slippers. Like a REAL rockstar!
ps: I was trying to find that verse in the Bible which basically says masturbation is okay as long as it's followed by a spiritual cleansing (don't quote me, Sunday School rendered my ability to concentrate nullified due to a particularly oppressive case of blue balls) but all I could find were passages on adultery. Then I got to thinking about the root of the word. And I came to the conclusion that it must be a grown up act to covet thy neighbour's wife. But you're not allowed to. At least not physically. Easy solution: make sure your wife is hotter than thy neighbour's!
NGDG: Thanks to Vodacom Techzone for unlocking my phone. And a curse upon whoever sent me the link to that weird sex fetish article which was the first page that loaded in front of the technician when he got it working again.
Spread The Love. One Has TO BE KIND...
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
And there was no stripping involved. But I got you reading, didn't I?
Where to start? Where to start? I did so little in such a long time, I'm really having trouble focusing again now that I'm back online. And to be honest, it took some adjustment to slide back into the abyss. Being free from the cloying, nauseating asphyxia of social media was delightfully refreshing.
But such is life these day... If I stood on Greenmarket Square right now spouting all my spurious gratitude for mankind, no one would listen in real life.
So. I took a few days, The Hot Girlfriend and some boardgames, and we went to Slappy's house in Hermanus. Graced with wonderful weather we did all sorts of touristy exploring by day. We saw the Old Harbour. We saw the entrance to the New Harbour, which is more like the food court in your local mall where you have to pay for parking. We saw the harbour at Gansbaai, which is right next to the camp site my mates and I inhabited on our post school adventure/holiday. Ah, the memories! We had tea and scones in Stanford. We had beach walks and overpriced Gelato. Which, it turns out, is just ice-cream. We played with the adopted HuskyWolf and drank beer at Birkinhead. We tasted and bought wine at Raka. And we braaied. We braaied a lot!
It got cold at night though - which is where the indoor fire came in handy. The first night we found the dodgiest pub in all of the land at which to watch the Netherlands perform their elegant rendition of Swan Lake. The owner kept buying us tequila and the barman had Metallica on repeat.
The rest of the evenings we played boardgames in front of a roaring fire. You may have noticed that I mentioned boardgames twice now...
You see, whilst I was outside slaving over a hot bed of coals, The Hot Girlfriend proceeded to set the scene inside and set up the Monopoly Board. I'd already been drinking heavily, so I have an excuse.
We started to play, and then I noticed we didn't have any property cards. Now, since I inherited this rather dog-eared old game and have never really opened it before, I just assumed it had long since lost some of its components, and McGuyvered a set of cards using torn up bits of egg carton and eyeliner. I have pictorial proof. Only once roughly 20 properties were in circulation and I was down to the fourth or fifth "Community Chest" card did it dawn on me that she had set everything up in the wrong place.
My guffaws weren't well received and she spent the rest of my restful holiday whipping my arse at anything resembling a game.
Oh, and now that you're probably smirking and in a mood to accept suggestive, erm, suggestions...
SUBVERS is tremendously proud, privileged and honoured to be sharing the stage with two other magical acts on the 11th July at Mercury. If you haven't yet experienced the intriguing instrumental bedlam of OHGOD!, then you're in for a treat! And if the celestial sonic sorcery of THE SLEEPERS has somehow managed to escape your attention before now, then you should probably not even consider yourself anything other than a troglodyte. Well, you could consider yourself extremely grateful for me telling you about them right now, and awestruck - which I know you will be after you check out their new video. Add to that the turbulent toxic waltz of SUBVERS, and we have quite the evening planned for you lot!
And now for my daily Rant Ranty McRant Rant: Do NOT get me started on the dire state of the SABC. I think the person misunderstood when they were asked to recruit "analysts" of the beautiful game. Mimicking the flagrant abuse of anything resembling language by the very "analysts" they've hired, they probably googled "analists" and made an unfortunate assumption linked to the word "bicyclists"...
NGDG: I've lost 3kg to this flu. I should start one of those Herbalife pyramid schemes where fat people pay me to cough on them.
Spread The Love. Not The Lurgy.