Thursday, April 24, 2014


Today we take a look at how to compose lyrics and music in a variety of genres. Below you will find helpful instructions and examples that will assist you on your inevitable journey to stardom. It's not like the old days, when women were expected to suck their way to the top, eh Madge? Times they are a changin'... *urgh*
Let's start with some nice lyrics illustrating the essence of popular white-folk music.

That bitch done wronged me
I hope her underwire
Puncture her silicone
And she die in a fire...

Look at me! I've got dice tattoos
My girlfriend's a maid on a luxury cruise

Moving on, we look into what it takes to break through as an urban artist.

Hip Hop:
Wear ill fitting shiny pants and basically say "Uh... Yeah!" a lot while holding the microphone at such an angle as to disguise the fact that you're so useless you're actually lip syncing to "Uh... Yeah!"

Appropriate anything from Ace Of Base, make a video with sun bronzed beach babes and voila! Insta-hit!

Radio friendly Pop/RnB/HipHip:
Scan WikiTube for "80s smash hits" and pick the first one with which you're unfamiliar, ie; one that hasn't already been ripped off and played to death on 5fm. Along with pre-programmed drumloop from your casiotone plug-in, add repetitive refrain of how you're partying/preening/posing/posting/puking.
Such as:
Walk into the club to hang with my boys
The Djs up there making all the right noise
These girls in the corner they looking so fine
By the end of the night I know they be mine

Or you could just drop to your knees and clutch the sand in anguish...

And what about the more alternative styles of music?

Goth - a genre much heralded for being the single most persistent - hasn't done anything innovative since shooting itself in the foot in the mid 90s. Not to mention the horrifying realisation that so many of its followers genuinely liked 'Toilet - The Movie' before public ridicule forced them even further into their little caves.

My favourite topic. The one genre with so many sub-genres it's like its own Ponzi scheme. In this case, its more the attire which defines what sort of metalhead you fancy yourself. Everyone starts out wearing oversized Iron Maiden tshirt with ill fitting jeans, terrible boots and an oily, spotty scowl of misunderstood misanthropy. Then we identify ourselves by whichever sub-genre we think will garner us the most respect for being "hardcore" and spend all our money on the appropriate clobber. In reality, it's really just a variation on extremely over-driven guitars and pissed off shouters. Most of the time lyrical integrity is rendered moot by vocal delivery. Go and investigate Cannibal Corpse lyrics and you'll understand why I haven't made up a nice example.

Punk? Punk was never a musical movement, it was a socio-economic backlash.

I'm going to get a lot of kak for this. Luckily, most of the people with whom I associate in real life know better...

Also, be very mindful to wear whatever kak the latest icon allows himself or herself to be seen in. These so-called pop stars are dressed. They don't pick their own fashion sense, it is thrust upon them by people who are clearly high or having the biggest laugh. "Let's see how far we can push these little fucking idiots and the limits of common sense." Ne?

All that aside though, we need to keep abreast of developments, technological and cultural. Music, like any other art form, is always evolving, and thank goodness for that otherwise we'd still be sitting around a campfire listening to Ubungu moer some rocks together. Or The Parlotones, who have somehow managed to suck the magic, soul and essence from music and create nothing more than a bland, blank canvass on which advertising executives can enjoy a merry old wank.

So, what's the "latest wat uit is"? Well, I suppose it would have to be dubstep, judging by how everyone and his ill-informed mother have taken to incorporating it in their own brand of dross. Here's how it's done:

  • Order anything off the menu at Panchos (it's invariably going to be shredded meat in a wrap).
  • Add a side of baked beans and a prune shake.
  • Allow to digest.
  • Run to the bathroom where you have an "in-bowl" microphone already set up and triggered by a motion sensor.
  • Once the commotion eventually subsides, inspect your Jackson Pollock stool.
  • Throw up.
  • Take the recording of the explosive bowel evacuation and superimpose that of the vomiting over it.
  • Filter through a midi interface and apply random sucking noises from your vast collection of overproduced VST plug-ins.
  • Load onto your MacBook and hop up and down behind it while you press play and "entertain" everyone at the club.

Skinny nerds making unintelligible noise for the particularly gullible. Perhaps they moonlight as fashion advisers for pop stars...

I think I may have gotten a little off topic here.
Suffice it to say that I am obviously not referring to all types of music as rubbish and am generalising on purpose. I stand by my assertion that only the top few bands in any scene/style/genre are worth anything.
I'm starting a movement, taking a stand...
Turn off your radio for starters. And explore and support your local dives - you'll be surprised what you find.

Oh, and a BIG SHOUT OUT to Mr Music himself, Mr Anton Marshall! I'll have one in your honour tonight.

NGDG: In the past two weeks I think I've been through more files than a fish moth in the Stasi archives.


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