Friday, April 17, 2015


I couldn't even... myself.

Yeah, bitches. 4 and a half years of living on my own has proven worthwhile. Very much like when Faf du Plessis first went to go and play county cricket, I have been forced to learn how to cook for myself. And subsequently, others.

Up until the sudden onset of inexplicable madness, I was quite happy to indulge in the omnipresent deal of "you cook, I clean". It worked with everyone with whom I ever shared an abode. When all of a sudden it dawned on me that you can't actually braai every night, despite a very valiant effort. Even substituting "breakfast for dinner" didn't provide enough variety. So I decided to expand my meal-base.

And now - after countless panicked phone calls to the better half of the DSW - I believe I have the hang of it. Last night at dinner club, the applause stopped just short of a standing ovation. I have taken to providing a theme to the nights on which it is my turn to whip up something fanciful and last night it was "Shit served inside other shit".
The starter was a butternut soup served inside hollowed out fancy loaves with rosemary. Like a soup gatsby.
Then followed the bobotie cooked and served inside a pumpkin - fucking impressive, hey!
And to finish off, it was baked brie-in-black-fig drizzled with honey.
Add some good wine and some great company and you have a night of gastronomic grandeur the likes of which I doubt I will ever be able to replicate.

So you see, I'm not just an alcoholic, cantankerous, potty-mouthed axe-murderer. And all I can say is thank God I have a dishwasher. The kitchen resembles Dresden. Next thing you know, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe. And there are shin bandages next to the cheese.

So now you see. The similarity to Gordon Ramsay stretches further than the shocking list of expletives streaming from our mouths at any given time. And nobody got my Hilary Swank joke. Fuck all of you.

Oh yes, before I forget, tonight sees KUDUCHILD (still the second best name in SA music) unleash their latest single at Mercury. Best you be there to join the boys in giving it horns. Joining them are KRAAL (I wonder if the combination of their names raised any "domestic" jokes) and CONDUIT (in my opinion, which you should take very, very seriously, one of the hottest bands about right now).

And speaking of unspeakable amazing things - as we are - tomorrow night I will be taking some time out to quietly sit in a dark corner and sob a heartfelt little sob or immeasurable sorrow. The most incredible line up of bands assembled on one stage in one night is happening tomorrow at Club Med. THE SLEEPERS, WILDERNESSKING, OHGOD & PEASANT. And I can't go...
That's it. Stick a fork in me, I'm done... he concludes with a forced cooking metaphor.

Have a safe, awesome weekend.

Spread The Love. But Get Out Of My Kitchen.

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