THE LIST - PLEASE NOTE 'NOT SUITABLE FOR STUCK UP ARSEHOLES'

So I read the Anti-B-logger's latest blog post, which led me to remember the empty promises Tequila Tart has been spewing about Man Lists and the like, which led me to remember the jolt I felt when entering the bar tent at RAMfest on Sunday morning...

I'll explain. Anti-B-logger (otherwise known as The Delectable Bastard) doesn't get chicks. I mean he gets chicks. He just doesn't get chicks... Understandable.

Tarty Farty Tequila Party has been promising to come up with the definitive list of attributes women look for in a man. She has up to now failed to deliver on this promise.

All this, coupled (haha) with my recent ambivalence on the subject of relationships and permanently being told I'm far too full of shit for my own good, has led me to want to divulge MY list. It is a reasonably long list. The older I get and the more run ins I have with the opposite sex, the longer the list gets. Every altercation reveals a universally true attribute or condition that I will or won't put up with.

I have had my fair share of action in the 112 years I have been sharing your oxygen. Some of the girls I have dated have been super cool, some really intelligent, some awesomely compassionate, some super hot and some have even been good at sex and all its wondrously varied applications. Bless them. Very rarely, if ever, has all this been rolled into one conveniently solvent and sane package.

So. The list. In no particular order, and I will admit to making this up as I go along (it's never progressed past discussing singular items at a time), here goes.

1. Ridiculously good looking. Simple. Not classic beauty either. Cute in a smoking hot way with more than a hint of naughty in the eyes plopped on top of a body that would leave Kerry McGregor jealous.


2. Music tastes have got to at least overlap to some degree. If I elaborate we're going to be here all day.


3. The ability to function at a normal social level when required, a basic understanding of Ps and Qs and common sense and a little decorum.


4. Kindness and generosity of spirit go a long way in this world, but all too often I find intolerance and bigotry to be hurdles. Also, I am the only one allowed to be self centred in this union, thank you very much.


5. I don't give a crap if you can cook like (insert your favourite celebrity chef's name here), but you have to be able to concoct something more complicated than a PnB sammitch.


6. The ability to hold one's liquor. A must.


7. If you're with me it is a given that you have exquisite taste in partners, now go and apply the same level of sophistication to the other spheres in your life.


8. Cats vs dogs. Cats lose. Also, there is a minimum size of animal that qualifies as dog. Yapping slippers are other people's pets, not mine.


9. Sensibility when it comes to the purchase of shoes and selecting shoes for a specific purpose.


10. Solvent.


11. Sane... You think I'm joking...


12. Sex. You don't have to be Sasha Grey but you have to be open minded, limber, filthy and reasonably keen. I wouldn't say I'm the kinkiest guy around, but there are certain expectations. Also, don't even bother if you have a gag reflex or don't swallow. And yes, random surprise blowjobs DO make for a happy and healthy and reciprocal sex life.


13. No follicular growth under eyebrows.


14. Eyebrows. You'd be surprised how many women are without.


15. A basic sense of cool.


16. A stupendously advanced, yet at the same time adolescent sense of humour.


17. A driver's licence and some form of transport.


18. A willingness to indulge me when I am being silly/drunk/belligerent/sick/depressed/watching sport or making music.


19. An understanding of the correct use of a telephone.


20. Infinite patience.


21. Have I mentioned tiny. I like tiny. With boobs. It goes with cute.


22. Also, I'm into affection. Giving and receiving. Surprisingly, not everyone is.


23. And lastly,the windows to the soul. I could fall in love with eyes if they capture me...


24. All of the above.


25. ALL OF THE ABOVE.

*Disclaimer. If any exes are reading this, I am talking about the other chicks, not you. You have always been my favourite.

And there you have the ramblings of someone, now that I am about to post this, who is destined to be single or disappointed for the rest of his days.

To those of you who don't find the above list at the very least informative, and have contrived to find some offence in it, I kindly invite you to stop reading my blog.

Tomorrow I re-institute Irreverent Fridays, and will be back to my short-post bolshy self.

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