Wednesday, April 6, 2011

LOVE IS IN THE AIR - And the public restroom...

I freakin' LOVE that picture! What on earth possessed the creator to come up with all the "activities"? Are these borne of past events inside the bathroom? Who gets head in front of a urinal? Mind you - that's pretty rock n roll! If you don't mind the stench of pee and urinal cakes.

And leading on directly from that very convenient introduction: Romance is in the air, I say!

Everyone I know - well most - are hooking up, shacking up or making up. Beautiful times I tell ya! Now pass me a dead fly so I can play "She loves me... She loves me not..."

These wonderful acts of renewed love, lust and libidinous ardour are all good and well, but may come with some price. This I know for absolute empirical fact.

As such, I feel I should impart some little nuggets... no, keep reading... of truth regarding the matter. Kind of like survival tips for the recently-blinded-by-little-floating-hearts:

1. Under no circumstances should the other person find out the real you for at least 6 months. This is really easy as most of you have had many years of disguising your inadequacies and shortcomings. Also, this may just lead to there being a 6 months.

2. In today's day and age when it is so easy to find out so much more than before about the person that you find attractive, try and restrict yourself from excessive FaceBook stalking and leering through windows. And as we all know "watching them while they sleep" is downright creepy and something the "guy" from Twilight did. Gay.

3. Refrain at all costs from actually letting the other person know how you feel. Heaven forbid you're honest enough to go "Hey, I like you and I'm so into you I really dig kissing you". Oh no no no no. One must at all times maintain an air of mystery so that only once you have fooled the other party into leaving a toothbrush and a change of underwear, are you allowed to be yourself. This usually coincides with the passing of 6 months and excessive gas under the duvet.

4. Drink too much. Make sure the other person drinks too much. Neither of you are enough fun without being shitfaced. Trust me.

5. Try and avoid the ex factor.

6. If you are a girl, try and refer to animals by their designated noun and not the version employed by 5 year old daddy's princesses in conjunction with the sound they make. Like "kitty-meaoow". It's a fucking cat.

7. If you are a guy, ignore when she says "kittymeaoow" and concentrate really hard on that wonderful day she starts trying to win your waning affections with random surprise blowjobs and can't say "kittymeaoow".

8. Be over the top vehement about your music tastes. This will mean that you don't have to listen to some lame shit as a compromise because you were distracted by ass when REM was playing...

9. Make your expectations known as soon as possible. If he/she/it doesn't bolt immediately you're both in with a fighting chance. No matter how trivial or earth shattering these are, trust me if they aren't adhered to down the line, they become relationship threatening.

10. Accept that the whole ugly "gedoente" is DOOOOMED anyway and try and squeeze as much enjoyment as you possibly can out of it while you can. Just be careful not to seem too anxious. Lie. Pretend. Deceive... It's your only shot.

Spread the love. Until it's time to bale.


  1. I take exception to number 6, simply because I use those terms for animals!

    Also, I am actually a 5 year old.

  2. No wonder I am so unsuccessful with the opposite sex ...lying, deceiving and pretending are not my strong qualities. But I shall work on it. Thankfully I seem to have no problem with the "more fun when shitfaced" part...

  3. I did stipulate "If you are a girl" in no.6