Thursday, August 8, 2013


The clue to understanding me is in the heading somewhere. Hidden subliminal messages are as subtle as happy ending massages...

Unsurprisingly, I have some opinions on current musical (and some definitely unmusical) events.

So Jack Parow is in the "tjoekie" for doing an Enya cover. So what. Is he even in jail or is it just another cheap shot aimed at dimwitted punters to up his rating? Newsflash, South Africa! Jack Parow is a prankster, not a gangster.
He is tremendoosly good at what he does. What he does can thankfully not be classified as music by any strain or stretch of the imagination. Rather, his talent lies in manipulating culturally deficient morons into bouncing up and down as he vomits on himself on some stage. YOU put him there, not me.

Which brings me to other bands in our neck of the woods. There is a certain trend among bands, especially those of the metal variety, that is starting to piss me off. I lie, it's actually always been around and it's been pissing me off from day one. Here are a few handy hints to make your and my life infinitely more tolerable, although putting these into practice may affect your connection with any angst and anger you feed off in order to pen your world class lyrics:

  1. "My band is SO good, why doesn't everyone get it?" No it isn't. People are sheep, but they also know when someone is shoving turdburgers down their throats (for the most part - unless you admit to liking Jack Parow). Some honest introspection and self analysis would save you a lot of embarrassment and me a lot of suffering. Be more critical of your lovingly crafted art. Why are so many musicians so harsh on their "peers" when they seem impervious to the stench of their own fetid offerings?
  2. Ixnay on the naivitay. The music industry is, like it or not, a business. And whilst so many of you have long since given up on the ideal of making a living by pretending to be Zack Wylde, it's astonishing how many fail to see the wood for the trees. Those who understand the machinations of the business WILL get further. It's elementary. Being involved, having hard won connections, rolling up your sleeves and getting things done... these are all things which will land you the slots, which will get you in the glaring (often mostly just jealous glares) spotlight. Not one single motherfucker among you is entitled to anything. There have been recent exceptions to this point, I'll concede, but questions of style, savvy and so many other considerations go into these choices that sometimes things need to be accepted. Which brings me to point 3.
  3. Why is South Africa stuck in the past? I am as guilty as the next guy. The music that defines me is old. Obviously to me it's relevant, but in all honesty, why would some snot nosed toddler decide to pick up a guitar and do My Dying Bride style covers of Cure songs? Yes, I know there are revivals on all the time, but they're short lived. In the eyes of the generations that have come and gone and carried your precious metal forward, this is the basic break down, if you'll excuse the obvious reference. Iron Maiden ceased to be relevant when Metallica and SLAYER brought their fresh, fast and frashy sound to your earholes. Similarly bands like Pantera and Sepultura raised the ante, and paved the way for the generation that followed. Pushing the envelope, bands like Morbid Angel and Deicide gave way to Meshuggah and, a few misguided guyliner applications and jorts purchases later, we have whatever is popular now. It means something very powerful to the kids of today. At least give them that. Or don't. My question is "where do the loincloths fit in?"
  4. Luckily everything I deem worthy is steeped in rich tradition and unsurpassed class.

And tonight I get to watch one of the few bands that has not only managed to capture the imagination of the youth for many, many years, but has somehow steadily grown in stature and even managed to win over new fans regularly. I was not a fan. Then I heard 'Change (In The House Of Flies)'. Then I tried my best to ignore them as I was far too impressed with my own vibe. Then they did 'Diamond Eyes' and the scales finally fell from my own eyes. Now I'm one of the panting masses. See you at Grand West tonight!

Just before I sign off and wish you all a happy Women's Day, and flying directly in the face of everything I just mentioned, who in the name of fuck though it was a good idea to book a second-hand Blink 182 for tonight? I bet you it was the booze vendors. "In a genius marketing ploy to sell more beer, The Spur and Grand West Arena teamed up to bring you Yellowcard, so that you may take a break between Manchester Orchestra and Deftones to get yo' refreshment on". Unfortunately there are probably just enough Jack Parow fans to make their inclusion worthwhile...
I bet they have a nice little team swoggle before going on stage. Gets 'em nice and amped...

NGDG: Autoreply: Out of offers.

Spread The Love. Hey, Jack! Is Jy Nog Steeds Die Ou?

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