Monday, July 7, 2014

BALL GAGS - USEFUL FOR SO MUCH...

A far cry from flowing white cotton robes...

Yoko Ono is still alive. Much to the chagrin of whoever it was that took John Lennon out and everyone else on the planet. She "performed" at Glastonbury recently. Somehow... somewhere... someone saw fit to allow her to assail our senses with her grotesque warbling.
So, it may be the long way of doing things, but I finally cracked the "how to" of getting booked to play at large, world-renowned festivals:

  1. Break up arguably the best song writing collaboration of modern music.
  2. Turn one half of above mentioned collaboration into a flea-bitten, moth-eaten, lice-infested hippy messiah.
  3. Visit the local eatery run by your family and study the sound made by cats when they're skinned alive.
  4. Emulate...

No need for all this fancy "musicianship" or "having a good voice" or being able to "write a song". To quote another astute observer of the phenomenon "Some artists use the medium of feces to express themselves on canvas. She is the musical equivalent thereof." If I was the booking agent for Glastonbury, I'd find the nearest clogged up porta-loo, sit down and - sobbing - write a heartfelt apology to humankind and post it across all social media, before shoving my head into the overflowing septic melange oozing up from the toilet bowl until I choked to death. You deserve no less than that which you have inflicted upon all of us. If I had a Delorean, as much as I dislike John Lennon, I'd go back to 1980 and rugby tackle him out of the way in time if it meant that the gunman managed to get his intended target...

Anyway, onto happier news. The World Cup Finals, other than miraculously turning everyone into an expert on the game, have yielded the semis I predicted. But wait! There's more! With any luck the dream final between The Netherlands and Germany could still happen. As condemn-able as Neymar's kuif is, I feel truly terrible for the guy, having had such a good tournament and now having to suffer the fate of watching from the sidelines due to an unfortunate incident which was entirely unnecessary. With him out, I doubt Brasil will have what it takes to overcome Germany. And with Di Maria missing from Argentina's semi, the Dutch should prevail, gravity notwithstanding. Actually, I wouldn't mind a Netherlands vs Brasil final either. The atmosphere would be amazing.

What did I do this weekend? You don't want to hear my report. Except to tell you I almost caught the bouquet. If there had been one...

NGDG: A love poem for Kendall Jones

We have thousands of lion, leopards, buck too,
On film or the park down the R512.
But nude pics of you I can't find for shit,
Can't feel on my palms your cheerleader's tits.
Young Kendall Jones, when next you come hunt,
please can I come, sheath my gun in your... handbag.

Spread The Love. Imagine...

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