Thursday, January 8, 2015


Let me just make my way through these adoring masses, 'scuse me... 'scuse me...

Ah, there you are. Welcome back. Or should you be welcoming me back? Into your terrarium of luke warm opinions and your mildly soggy mind... You miss me?

I most certainly did not miss the shackles of the insipid mediocrity perpetuated on social media. It was so refreshing being offline for 3 weeks. And it is with a heavy heart that I now admit that, as much as I despise so much of what it inspires, I too am a victim, slave and addict to its convenient charms.

So as I sidle back into my well worn office chair, I am forced to contemplate my next move, it being a New Year and all. That's a vicious lie. New Year Resolutions are for people who have been doing it wrong up until now, or who have the courage and fortitude to make a serious change where one is required. I already gave up smoking and exercise regularly. Perhaps all that's left is to resolve to live life outside the constrictive confines of Faeceboobs, Twitter and Instagram. Fat chance. How WILL I communicate? I'd invest in pigeons were it not for my crippling ornithophobia.

Speaking of annoying things that we can't seem to avoid. I somehow cannot stop exposing myself... Expresso - your feelgood breakfast show on SABC3. The programme in which 5 super amped individuals try and sell you shit between extended ad placements and the odd lifestyle tip. The entire 2 and a half minutes of news/sports/weather every hour is merely incidental. It's still better than eTV's alarming choice in music acts to showcase, which leave me on the verge of Cobaining, and certainly less dire than SABC2's constant lapsing into political melodrama. But I need the chatter in the mornings, if only to distract myself from the monotonous motions of getting ready for the drudgery of the day ahead.

As you can imagine, not much happened while I was on holiday, bar the mandatory over-indulgence. Oh yes, the wedding! Commander Conker finally made an honest woman out of Rose Thorn and the ceremony and reception were awesome! Rose Thorn looked stunning as her proud dad held her back to normal strained walking pace down the aisle. The setting was equally gorgeous, deep in the winelands of Stellenbosch on a very, very old and particularly picturesque farm. The vows and accompanying lack of sermon were kept to a grateful minimum, before the new Mrs Conker grabbed her partner's hand and sprinted out to the signing, hasty to make this thing official. Poor TDB and I had been working our fingers to the bone to learn a particularly poignant (and fucking difficult) song to play as she and her hubby were to sashay back out along the aisle, but we hardly had a chance to get to our guitars before she'd fled past us.

Needless to say I needed the glass of bubbly that followed shortly, and was hardly amused when it turned out - after a greedy gulp - to be Appletizer. Thankfully, we more than made up for that later at the bar. Congrats to two of my dearest friends. I love you both and thank you for including me in your special celebration - it couldn't have been better. In fact, many say it was the best wedding they've ever attended.

And flying in especially for the wedding were my friend and her fiance, who now go by the power couple nickname of Tiete & Boude. We've had a LOT of fun these last few weeks, doing touristy things that involve booze. And Jack, the meanest (pronounced "mainest") little man alive! Infants in restaurants are always a huge hit. Until their digestive systems remember to explode. Officially, we're petitioning you guys to stay in SA. This shit of going back to New Zealand cannot be tolerated.

And so I make my awkward return to the trillions of pointless pages of the world wide web. The big news today, that of the senseless slaying of innocent people over a cartoon that some religious fundamentalists deemed tasteless. You want tasteless? Leaving families without fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters because you took offence at something that certainly could do with some scrutiny precisely because of the actions of cowardly cunts like you. I'll leave it there because no one will ever be swayed one way or the other. Steve Hofmeyr must just quietly thank his lucky stars I'm not predisposed to violence against things I don't like.

NGDG: In a worryingly daring and brave move, Neal now prefers to express his jaundiced humour using pictures instead of words. So, since my folks celebrate their wedding anniversary on the 1st of January (every year) and I'm expected to be there despite my life threatening hangover, here is his contribution to today's frivolity.

Spread The Love. All Over Her. Like Nutella.

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