WHAT I DID ON MY VACATION.

By me.

Do you remember those retarded essays your primary school teacher used to insist that you wrote after having some time off from school? Mainly because they were either too lazy or hungover from their own break to think of anything more original?

Anyway, this is my "adult" version. Not in the same way as if Jesse Jane had said the same thing, mind.

What is it about blondes in the adult entertainment industry whose initials are JJ?

Well now. Let's see. What did I get up to?

There was the mother in law's birthday. I cooked. So quite naturally that was an unrivalled success.

Then there was the "National Braam Day - My What An Enormous Sausage" celebration of our cultural heritage. Instead of going to an art gallery and standing back whilst peering at a portrait you don't understand (finger over pursed lips - vital!) or attending a ballet or the grande ol' opera, or even jumping from one foot to the other in loin cloths brandishing a weapon that can't stop bullets, we as a people have chosen to adopt searing raw flesh on an open fire as our cultural past time of national identity. And thank goodness, I say! We braaied pretty much half of the local supermarket chain's butchery, drank the equivalent of an entire seaside village in Mexico at Spring Break, and spent the majority of the day getting lightly stewed in a jacuzzi. The next morning my hangover and I were greeted by the Nascar Speedway that is the traffic flow between fucking Tableau Voi and the city. It's so bad, there's a dude selling coffee at the lights at Bayside Centre. The less I say about that journey and the hick town from whence it "flowed" the better...

I also managed to install the last of the kitchen cabinets, but we know from experience that that is never the end of it. Oh no! Stay tuned for tales of electrocution and a lot of unnecessary grunting.

And I even managed, between all of that and a lot of lying in bed, to resurrect my football career. I haven't been able to walk in 4 days. But luckily I'm going for a bit of a tour of the mountain this evening with Commander Conker. Joy! After we put the finishing touches to The Doghouse, another of my DIY projects from my holiday. They say that idle hands are the devil's playground. No wonder so many metal guitarists are such lazy wankers.

And then there was the music... But that's for another post, as both Lucy Kruger and Th'DamnedCrows deserve entire stories of their own. All I'm saying is "Wow!" Look out for them. And check these here very pages for an upcoming report on some mad, enthralling, jaw-dropping, ass-wigglin', dronk nights of musical magic!

Sorry it's all so brief, said the underwear sales lady.

NGDG: Ramfest, you done good. If I believed anything I actually wanted and the intensity of that desire had any bearing on manifest reality, I'd think you had me in mind all along.

Spread The Love. Yoh! I'm In The Mood For Some Football!