Tuesday, February 19, 2013


We all yearn to fit in. I recommend KY, but failing that, below you'll find a few useful tips which you can apply to your everyday existence that will help you become a better person, more accepted by your peers and everyone else, and finally able to throw away that Sangoma's business card. You know, the one that promises the enlarged penis (for him and her), the winning Lottery numbers, the gorgeous partner with the insatiable sexual appetite to go along with their astounding prowess, and getting rid of that pesky rash...

(In honour of a special count down, here are nine random observations...)

  1. How to Rockabilly - a public cervix denouncement for everyone who resides in Cape Town. Thank you Miss Management. You're gonna need this in depth guide if you're not to stand out like too much of a sore thumb when you embrace the craze that's sweeping the Mother City and finally denounce the Biscuit Mall poseurs in favour of a more authentic sub culture experience. I jest! This is a gathering of the foremost bands in this - or any other - genre. If you like it sleazy, gritty and downright decadent, get on down to Carnival Court and try not to make an utter tit of yourself by exposing yourself as a "newbie". I'll be there, supporting my mates Th'DamnedCrows, as they flaunt their anti-establishment glaring lack of sideburns and indulge in miscellaneous other miscreant activities. 
  2. Another wonderful tip in the ongoing social experiment we call life: After an acrimonious split with your partner, stymie their social progress by clicking "GOING" to any and all event to which you will inevitably both be invited. Genius!
  3. Here's another handy hint that will propel you towards instant adulation from the thronging masses: How about NOT jumping on the all-too-obvious band wagons and polluting everyone's news feed with the same sensationalist bullshit and crass gallows humour (my pseudo-cousin is exempt from this one as he is actually qualified to make insightful judgements into the dark psyche of mankind. He has a fancy piece of paper AND he's a full time resident there). Try finding out some facts before regurgitating knee jerk reactions to complex social or political situations. Rob Van Vuuren, possibly the most annoying character in local comedy in his Twakkie shirt, but a brilliant talent in any other and a downright decent bloke pointed out: "When will we learn not to admire sportsmen for anything other than being good at sport?" If you'd like some context - or you just feel like catching up on what news is currently suffocating South Africans in its death grip, read this rather interesting perspective.
  4. Glasses can be half full or half empty. The one you decide on will go a long way to determining the level of enjoyment you derive from your insignificant little tenure on this plane of existence. My suggestion, unless you're a serious song writer, is to ditch the all consuming negativity and accept that from time to time good shit happens. Actually, good shit happens all the time. Especially to this incontinently positive bastard. I suppose it's easier having a rosy outlook when one's derrière is inextricably linked with the container of butter. One leads to the next. You figure it out. Frowns are SO nineties, anyway. As is sitting hugging your knees and swaying back and forth in an ill advised attempt at looking introspective or interesting. Have you ever wondered why the hale 'n' hearty get more nookie than you? [*Disclaimer: it is an accepted opinion that lower life forms such as those that frequent Camps Bay bars and clubs indeed do see more action due to their dastardly pop up collars and oblivion concerning their tags as utter dickholes, but then they're fishing in their own homogeneous pond of vapid subhumans.]
  5. Another helpful tip is to stop believing Oprah. Make up your own mind. "The TV never lies" is a phrase that should be used only in emergencies or when channelling Homer Simpson.
  6. Channel more Homer Simpson - it's indescribably therapeutic.
  7. Watch more mindless movies - and accept their inherent entertainment value without being all analytical.
  8. Listen to more quality music for the opposite reasons. Or swap the movies and the music around. Your choice. I've made mine already.
  9. Use the time you're stuck in traffic everyday more constructively. Keep a notebook or a recording app on your phone handy and come up with ideas, quotes, lyrics, etc. Work your brain instead of allowing mass media and social networking to dictate the evident entropy of your most useful tool.

Ok, I'm done. I could go on for some time yet, but I think I'm diluting the initial premise of this piece already by becoming all trite and shit.

A great big huge shout out to Mein Sohn on his birthday! Happy Happy Birthday!

NGDG: Three reasons why 2013 will be amazing: There's a new BMTH album out. There are rumours that Jamie T is in studio, Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac will release in cinemas, Iron Maiden, Slipknot and Amon Amarth will play Downlaod, a girl with an amazing body finds me hilarious... and I've forgotten the third thing.

Spread The Love. It Makes For A Better World And We Could ALL Do With A Bit Of That...

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