Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Because it's considered protocol to disrobe before receiving a thorough pomping. We as a nation of dumb-fuck voter fodder (one must consider the entire populous, not just the exceptionally enlightened who are fortunate enough to be reading this) have obviously been prancing around in a very suggestively short skirt and gaggin' for it.

I should have been hired to write the speech, although I fear that "Mr Push My Spectacles Up With My Middle Finger In A Thinly Veiled Fuck You To The Masses" would struggle with some of the bigger whedds.

I'm sure the opportunistic bastards currently sweating all over the seats of Parliament are quite capable of jobs or portfolios to which they have been appointed. I mean, look at the splendid endeavour they apply to enriching themselves with their "Let them eat cake" attitude. And getting away with it! You have to take your hat off to a group of people with the con skills to keep the masses happy on "we don't have anything, we're just grateful that we have the right to have something"...

Public service? Public service be damned! Public service is for people who care more about their constituents than their personal wealth or power. The last true high profile public servant was Mother Theresa. By definition a politician is "one who displays more cunning, artifice and despicably devious design to leech votes from the downtrodden proletariat."

So. To my version of today's much anticipated speech...

"Oh Hai! Is this thing on?*

Madam Speaker, Ministers, Ladies and Gentlemen, and The Nation.*

You're fucked. We're in bed with China and they hold the purse strings.* We didn't think that out very well, but a few job losses do nothing to deter us from our Africanisation of this Rainbow Nation.* It is all-inclusive.* Even the previously advantaged are fucked.*

I am glad to announce that we have managed to think of ways to fudge the crime statistics to show only marginal increases and bring in unsuspecting tourists that you can rob* - this will from now on be called 'Job Creation'.*

Going forward,* nothing will change no matter how clever Zapiro thinks he is getting with his counter-revolutionary cartoons.*

Goodnight* and thank you for blockading every single road in and out of Cape Town for 2 days, when I could just as easily have done this via Skype, Oprah style.*"

*[Pause for effect, the effect being that I can't read this shit in front of me. Give nationwide television audience the finger...]

And that, folks, is that. Anything else is an utter fabrication.

NGDG: "If I want your advice, I'll Google it."

Spread The Love. Your Nation Needs You.

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