OFF TO NEVER NEVER LAND

All our metal icons.

Yes, Never Never Land. Not the Peter Pan Land. Instead, a place most whinging haters think exists - a place where everything is done exclusively for them. All of the bands that they think are cool magically sprout an uncontrollable affinity for the country of THEIR origin and can't help themselves - they build a conveyor belt that brings them all through this area, eager and willing to play for free to 23 people who can't afford entrance at a free-entrance night at Gandalfs.

Yes, I know I said I wasn't going, but the look on the Hot Girlfriend's face last night when I surprised her with tickets was priceless...
Of course I'm going to go and subject myself to a group of octogenarian hillbillies (and a short narcissist tub-thumper) as they promise to, um what was it now again... "Kick mah fuckin' ass!"

And now for the rest of this piece, which I wrote the other day, but for the sake of the surprise, couldn't publish...

The root of the entire debacle can squarely be laid at the feet of those people who have decided that 'Tallica are over the hill. Everything stems from the fact that not enough tickets were sold to warrant the show being staged at the Cape Town Stadium. Was it because of 'Lulu'? Was it because the South African public grows weary of the blustering buffoons that run Big Concerts? I don't think you can blame either. Metallica - like any other collection of individuals - will grow older with time and become less and less relevant to the teen angst set that proliferates our dank underground clubs. Also, Big Concerts have done something to salvage the situation, given the obvious knock they took when all but the least discerning metalheads failed to part with their cash - effectively embarrassing the local "scene" and driving yet another nail into the coffin of "less and less bands are going to be tempted to visit our shores".

I'm not asking you to be grateful for the scraps of the global entertainment juggernaut. Nor am I asking you to convert to mindless pop pap, since at least Rihanna is on the way and it can be argued she's a world class something. What you might want to consider is moving to a territory that frequently does get extreme metal bands on tour. Be prepared to give up the nice weather and the "no consequences for traffic violations" lifestyle, though. Alternately you are at liberty to try luring Behemoth or Immortal here yourself. Go on, your connections at your local pub will help you stage a kick ass brutal show, I'm sure.

And that covers the venue change. Let me address the opening band issue. I am by profession a part of, and by necessity, a commentator on, the SA music scene. More particularly, I have been involved in the Cape Town underground underbelly mix of extreme and not so extreme music for a very long time. More than 2 decades if memory serves. In my not so humble, but honest opinion (picture me standing with one hand on my heart and one on my dick) there have been perhaps one or 2 acts that are, or were, professional or successful enough to deserve an opening slot for Metallica. Sure, it would have been an awesome opportunity, but let's face it, if you're given such, you had better not make one mistake in front of all your potential new adoring fans. And I'm not talking about missing a note here and there. I know plenty of bands who are tighter than the proverbial duck's arse, I'm talking about putting on a flawless show of immense intensity, where every single aspect works like clockwork. How many bands in Cape Town (authentically metal or not) can claim that prowess? NEVER having sound issues on their own gear. NEVER allowing influences "beyond their control" to cancel or postpone a show. Don't get me started on the intrinsic ability to write a decent tune. Or keep that up for years. I think the dilution of standards - served to us like the one cup to the two girls by the internet - has rendered most of today's musicians impervious to their own flatulence. Are you REALLY good enough to open for Metallica? I can think of 2 Cape Town bands. I mentioned Sabretooth yesterday. And Mind Assault, who are - simply put - too heavy for the slot. Not to mention the clear and present danger of catching an eyeful of cock flapping about in the event they get carried away.

And just because I can, and it's Friday, and that means a little slice of irreverence is obligatory, I'd like you all to enjoy this absolute gem of a video...

More later. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Said the one girl to the other. Over a cup.

Spread The Love. Love, She's A Maniac.