The Alanis Morrissette of the automotive industry...
The Voi Vixen and Kung-Fu Ken narrowly avoided it. They managed to get rid of the great big SUV made by the toaster multi-national before people could find out they even had one.
Not so much my good friends TDB and MeSwifty. Yes, they have an awesome home. I'm completely jealous of how nice it is. There's even a jacuzzi and I have his word that he cleans it properly every time before I come and stew myself in it. They even have a rather large dog called Norma, who is incidentally the only one that has ever snapped at me, a fact that I still hold against her. There is an inordinately large TV and all sorts of modern life's luxury.
But all of that has come at the ultimate price. It's in Tableau Voi. Coupled with the suicide-inducing peak hour traffic between 5 in the morning and 9 in the evening, it contravenes all the architectural advice the Bible had about building one's home on rocks instead of reclaimed quicksand. It is also the largest concentration of Nigerian druglords outside of Lagos and Sea Point. And having to share your neighbourhood watch shifts with Chad and Tiffany, who frequent the Biscuit Mall on Saturday buying overpriced veggies grown in pooh, must be soul destroying. You may lament and gnash your teeth and pore over the weekend property supplements as much as you'd like looking for a way out, but it always gets you...
They've just bought a Hyundai Tuscan. That monument to suburban soccer-momness and over-qualified toasters. Countless rows crowd the narrow streets of lower Woodstock (incidentally, a fantastic place to live) every Saturday morning, like buses outside of Soccer City during a Soweto Derby, having transported the nasal twang and voluptuous of rump Tableau Voi housewives to their weekly pilgrimage. Tofu wine and hemp arts-and-crafts occupy space proudly in the cavernous boot next to all the pooh-veggies on the long drive home.
They've now gone full *nasty word that's frowned upon*. Apparently you never go full *nasty word that's frowned upon*.
But I am just being a shit. Just because I don't like the stereotypical Voi-life, doesn't mean others don't enjoy having it thrust upon them. And I really enjoy ripping them off about it. My feelings, particularly against The Voi and Hyundai are unfounded and steeped only in baseless bias. To each his own. At least their lawn can support an animal larger than the dead rat I found on mine the other day. But I really enjoy being a juvenile arsehole about it. Bloody Tableau Voi...
Anyway, in other news, and speaking of TDB, last night he and I went about rerecording some guitar parts and finalising the arrangement on our latest slab of monolithic misery. Yes folks, another DOOM song in the bag. At this rate, we'll be able to bring you a release in a few short years...
And speaking of all things "glum and gloomy and deliciously DOOMY", the next Symphonaire Infernus show has been confirmed. Grab your diaries, your pens and your suddenly over-excited crotches, folks! Friday the Thirteenth of December will once again see the finest of Cape Town's downbeat musos (and me, unfortunately...) bring you a feast of morose music guaranteed to have you bopping in the aisles and smirking like a Belieber! Save the date.
And now that I've managed to piss off my best friends, I think I'll go shopping.
NGDG: Add a baboon in a Colonel Gaddafi costume. Go on.
Spread The Love. Toasters Are Taking Over And Will Rule Us All...
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