Yes, dear gentle reader. We bestride the New Year like so many low fences and with upturned rosy, cherubic cheeks gaze in hope and optimism at the gilt edged possibilities a fresh start heralds. Trumpets and fanfare please!
In the spirit of cynicism that permeates the intrawebnets, mainly because those responsible are sexually repressed headcases with bad skin, let me be one of the first to burst this bubble.
- You are not going to drink any less, or any more responsibly. You're still going to get shitfaced and you're going to enjoy every second.
- You're not going to manage giving up smoking. You're an addict. Might as well make peace with that.
- You're not going to exercise more or get into anything near the shape you aspire to. Just don't over invest - do a trial membership at the gym before you're stuck paying for something you don't use.
- You're not going to make any rational, informed or well-thought-out decisions regarding your love life. You're going to perpetuate the horrifying cycle of bad judgement. You're a sap, but let's be honest, where's the fun in a "sure thing"?
- You're not going to exercise any more restraint when it comes to finances than you did when you overspent in 2011. The only improvement in this regard is that you will be forced to conjure up more outlandish justifications for your headlong freefall into even more debt.
- Your taste in music, if already a little suspect, will spiral into further decline, but only because the limited pool of quality music is dwindling like an ice cream blotch on a Vaalie's beach towel.
In the single most monumental piece of breaking news this side of Hayibo, Tarty Farty Tequila Party has posted a blog entry! A toast! To new beginnings in the New Year! (It actually has a piece of toast...)
[*Slappy is her real name.]
NGDG: "In space, no one can hear you scream. In Stephen Hawking's house, when his ex-wife used to beat the hell out of the poor incapacitated sod (true story), one can only imagine the sounds he made. And then feel bad for having a laugh."
So to you in the spirit of a brand spanking new year, may you have great times, great sex and great memories!
Spread The Love. Accompanied By Muted, Gurgling, Slurpy Sounds...