Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I HAVE THE ANSWER ! ! !



Not like "Die Antwoord" who incidentally have just leaked another single off their "album". It's a naturally offensive little pile of steaming excrement, but I figure if they can get all the hits and fame from their shit, I might as well take advantage of the obvious lack of taste that seems to permeate the masses and see if a link to their absurd, novelty cock spray might help me increase the numbers so I can start raking in some of the fat cash that I clearly lack.

[*Disclaimer. Obviously you, my dear, loyal gentle-reader, are NOT one of these fickle tripe-of-the-day types. YOU obviously display exquisite taste and impeccable moral fortitude.]

No folks, the answer I refer to is the age old one posed by women the world over and in this post I will attempt to explain why men are so mysteriously drawn to the "big boobs and tiny arse" female physique. And I might as well brace myself for a backlash of infuriated ladies giving me all sorts of hell, but before you unleash the unholy terror of your wrath upon me, at least admit the following: I am not condemning a big bum. I am merely pointing out "why" we prefer things the way we do. Actually, I am doing womankind a service...

The big boobs is obvious. An ample bosom has, since time began, been recognised universally as the symbol of nurturing motherhood, a source of much needed nourishment for infants and the most engaging toys on earth. Bums, on the other hand, should be a little less "voluptuous". This has nothing to do with a latent homo-erotic desire to sodomise 12 year old boys. None of us are gunning for priesthood. It's merely come down to a case of equating the fullness of the body part in question with its "bounty". So it's simple really. Boobs make milk. Bums make pooh. Conundrum solved.

Staying with colossal arses, I think it's time to touch on (see what I did there...?) the very sensitive subject of the SOPA and PIPA bills that are currently being mooted in US Government and are aimed at stamping out piracy of intellectual copyright hosted outside of the US - and basically seems to me to be nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt at greedily forming a monopoly over the internet. Much like their avaricious pursuit of oil and their crass assertion that war is justified in order to bring peace in regions where their prime purpose is in fact to plunder the natural resources. Everything is a cover up. Sometimes it's a good thing. Like when someone covers up their huge arse, but in this case it's like McDonalds pretending to be a fast food outlet, when it is nothing more than a hoarder of real estate.

I have no standpoint on this - other than the sadness we share at the prospect of my little virtual soapbox being shut down. Bands may go back to advertising their shows in rigorous and innovative ways. We will no longer be hostage to the inane emo pictures and wittering, or the deluge of pointless opining by the filthy and uneducated masses. Never mind that hopefully the only medium in which we will then be assaulted by sms text will be limited to actual smses.

Please read this article if you'd like to know more, before you jump any bandwagons, pro or against.

I'm on a roll today. But I was COOKING last night! I bought some fresh produce the other day that fell into the category "have to use soonest" so I was forced to make 2 huge meals last night before band practice. I'm once again proud to announce that I definitely eat more heartily now that I have mastered the art of cooking the 6 and a half dishes I live on. Spectacular success! Plus I now have sufficient leftovers to feed Napoleon's army or the nearest soup kitchen, although I'll be scoffing the lot, charity starting at home and all that...

Band practice went incredibly well considering none of us had played the (rather complex although you wouldn't say so to look at the ease with which our fingers gracefully glided over the fretboards) material in over a month. We had to take it in little 3 song stanzas, though. There is NO aircon in the studio and all the windows and doors need to be tight shut to minimise the neighbours bleeding from the ears. I think it's time to invest in a fan. For the studio. We have as many fans as any other non-entity band already. There are lots of those.

And speaking of fretboard wizardry and the mandatory fan whipping wind through mane of wild hair, DO NOT miss Sabretooth's much anticipated album launch at Mercury tomorrow night. These lads will wow your pants off and blow your mind with their ferocious virtuosity and animated performance. You're in for a rare treat. Believe me.

NGDG: "My exterior may be all gruff and forbidding, but deep down, hidden from the world, in the depths of my true self, is a whiny little bitch."

Spread The Love. Murder A Rhino Poacher And A Chinaman With Erectile Dysfunction.

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